Let’s make Norway great again

mgp

Don’t get us wrong. While we might occassionaly hit a few sarcastic notes when covering our home country on this site, we love Norway. It is a glorious country. So glorious. Chuck-full of fiords and mountains and carefully farmed salmon and clean water and at least a little bit of clean air outside of Oslo and an opera house and great drip coffee and more than one good bar and an endless supply of aquavit and moonshine on every street corner. Oh, and Alexander Rybak. There is a lot to be proud of. And we are the proudest. So why this lack of enthusiasm when it comes to MGP?

Let’s do an analysis. We see three possible explanations:

A) We are so afraid of being labeled nationalistic that we positively discriminate anything related to our own country. Harshly.
B) There is no good music in Norway, hence no potential for good music in MGP.
C) The entire group of songwriters in Norway are prohibited from using any tricks related to Sweden, such as bridges, catchy choruses, pre-choruses to catchy choruses, key changes, good lyrics, structure, a proper melody…and so on and so forth.

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SANREMO – what to expect when expecting greatness

monkey
“Monkey see, monkey do, as Berlusconi used to say”
Ah, the glorious Sanremo. Full of american actors dubbed to Italian, Tiziano Ferro doing unspeakable things to Saint Luigi Tenco (that’s just blasphemy, man), Francesco Totti trying to control his balls and the annoyingly irreplaceable Carlo Conti. When the latter dies, he’ll surely create a new festival to host in heaven while we’ll be having a neverending ball in purgatory with Marco Mengoni.

But most of all Sanremo is a celebration of the greatest musical nation in history and the selection of who gets to represent it in this year’s Eurovision in Kyiv, at least in theory. Never mind the totally incomprehensible voting system and let’s concentrate on the contestants. Here are all the finalists and what to expect from them – at least in our humble opinion (click on name to see the whole performance on RAI, never mind the chitchat in the beginning):

Al Bano: “Di rose e di spine”

Surely this act must be included only to make Carlo Conti feel better about his age. We must admit he knows how to sing, this one, but why can’t he just shut up about it? Has the most hideous glasses ever shown on stage in San Remo. Miuccia Prada must be weeping.

Our vote: nay nay nay and then some more nay

Elodie: “Tutta colpa mia”

In a country where most women try to look like hungry, underage fashion models, it is a serious accomplishment to show up with pink, short hair and Gigi Hadid’s eyebrows. Elodie is nothing short of fabulous, and neither is her performance. The song is a bit boring, though. Consider changing that part.

Our vote: Absolutely yay!

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MGP 2016: Taking stock

Holy cannoli, what just happened last night? That’s it then, after a string of fine entries placing us nicely on the left-handside of the ESC scoreboard, Norway officially lost the plot when selecting Agnete and her rather gloomy mash-up. Don’t blame us, we sent our televotes elsewhere, which was of course a waste of money. Can we please send Åse Kleveland instead? So while mentally preparing for what it will be like not to proceed from the semi-final in Stockholm, let’s take stock of the shenanigans that went down in Oslo Spectrum.

The wonderful planet named Eurovision. The gift that keeps on giving.


Most obvious wasted opportunity:

The very year Europe was ready to embrace a lesbian art collective singing about a dog in space, Norway decided NOT to send Laika to Stockholm. Continue reading

MGP 2016: When not making your mind up

Agnete – «Icebreaker»

Don’t mess with chicks from Nesseby!

The average Eurovision fan sure knows to appreciate a familiar face, and Agnete already earned her fame as MGPjr winner and MGP runner up long before she never finished high school. Lately she has claimed her fair share of primetime TV exposure and proved that she can carry a tune live without caving under the pressure of knowing half the country is watching. Her dancing skills are not too shabby either it turns out, all of which is of course nice to know in case we accidentally manage to vote her all the way to Stockholm in May. Continue reading

MGP 2016: High School Musical edition

Suite 16 – «Anna Lee»

The guys in Suite 16 hope their fake ID’s will get them into the afterparty on Saturday

We assume Suite 16 missed the application deadline for MGPjr, or clearly there’s been a misunderstanding somewhere leading up to them ending up in the MGP for grownups. We much rather prefer they stayed at home and kept their bedtimes on a Saturday night and recommend them to finish high school first before coming back. Continue reading

MGP 2016: Soon to be forgotten

Elouiz – «History»

A sneak peak of Ellos’ next spring collection. Cardigans in fifty shades of blue!

We’ve never heard of Elouiz before and were kinda relieved that it was not a dansband from Hedmark. But when it turns out it’s a 20-year-old Swede who, according to her bio, never performed for a live audience before, we dunno what we would have preferred. Where do NRK find these people? Did they not find a single artist in the pile of contributions this year more worthy to make the cut? Somehow we find that very hard to believe. Continue reading

MGP2016: Eurovision by the numbers

Laila Samuels – «Afterglow»

Laila Samuels, staring into the abyss

Laila Samuels ALMOST became a superstar in the mid 90s as the lead singer of a popband no one remembers. We’re positively beside ourselves with joy now that she’s FINALLY making her comeback. Or not really, but according to the hype NRK is trying to create, that’s how we’re suppose to feel at least. Continue reading

MGP 2016: Wrong country!

Sorry, man. You just missed the Mister Aiya Napa 2016 pageant.
Sorry, man. You just missed the Mister Aiya Napa 2016 pageant.

Back in the very old days, like around when Per Sundnes was born, Norwegians used to go to Aiya Napa, Maspalomas and Magaluf for their winter hollidays. There they would drink all the tequila they could find, throw up in all the garbage cans available, dress in the cheapest dresses for sale at the beach, feel like true local people and have the time of their life. And the music they would play continously throughout the day? It sounded exactly like Freddy Kalas.

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MGP 2016: If horses had wings, they could fly

Pegasus – «Anyway»

Jon Bon Jovi’s unknown son grew up in Oppsal, Oslo. Steve-O from Jackass to the left

For the love of all that’s holy in the world of Eurovision, can someone please tell us why there always has to be a dansband in MGP? They never win, hardly nobody even wants them to win, except maybe their wives and their manager, and quality wise it’s so substandard that most bands sell their music at petrol stations. Continue reading