Time to decide what really matters in this year’s competition: Who is the hottest bloke?
The jury has had a difficult time, as usual. The careful selection process involved a lot of vodka, fighting over basic female rights and rather serious investigations into whether or not the candidates have been to Crimea. We decided to listen to Latvia and draw the line somewhere, so we agreed candidates young enough to be the parents of our grandchildren were not allowed. But we welcome Bulgaria, Australia and Ireland to try again when their artists are out of high school.
Finally. It’s the one time of year when we get to focus on the most important thing in our life: Who is the best-looking bloke in Eurovision?
The jury had a hard time this year. There were a lot of great applications, and many argued their case well, which once again reminded us what a great year 2016 is for fabulousness. In the end we just had to share a bottle of pinot and get down to business. The jury has taken the following criteria into consideration: looks, charm, style, shaggability, social skills, likelihood of showing up in Euroclub and the ability to wear clothes while being surrounded by highly dangerous animals. Other than that, we have followed the strict EBU guidelines, of course, allowing gay flags, but not at all relating to any kind of politics. Everybody knows those politicians are boring anyway.
So there are a few interesting facts about this year’s contest. One being that it is chuck full of rockers, another being that there are lots of recycled participants from the alumni club, but the most important is that there is HAIR. LOTS of it, in fact. Had we not known this was a contest somehow related to music, we would have mistaken it for the annual assembly of Europe’s hair models.
And who has shown the best use of hair so far? It seems most of the women had the same blow dry from a random hair dresser on a street in Manhattan, so we’re going to skip a lot of them. We do not see the need for looking like real housewives of New Jersey just because you are singing a song in Stockholm. Let’s focus on the others.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Tis the season to be jolly! O come, all ye faithful. And have yourself a merry little Eurovision season!
We can’t wait to start tearing apart all those entries and reporting live from the audience for you, but sadly there are very few chosen ones yet. A few songs will be rendered a thousand times still. And then there is the need to do a recess and have a look at what has been going on the last couple of months. Here’s some of the gossip, predictions and prayers and hopes for you:
Great things could happen in Hungary
So, we closed our eyes for a minute and made a wish. That one day Hungary would bring us a good looking, well behaved bloke with a voice and song to match. Turns out his name is Freddie. Which is short for Fehérvári Gábor Alfréd and a synonym for pretty perfect. He hasn’t conquered his national final yet, but there is no chance he wouldn’t, right? Meet us in Stockholm, baby, we’ll mess around.
Musical entertainment, stage decoration hobbies and the occasional dancing set aside, we all know what this contest is really about: The men. We have now reached the time of the contest when we need to sum up all our male acquaintances before they start disappearing again later tonight. And who did we like the most? Here are the results of the Norwegian jury.
1 point go to…Belarus
So, Uzari barely made our list, although he has got some great potential going for him. Main reason: Hair cut. We really need to talk about how to relate to curls without ending up looking like Lionel Richie, which shouldn’t be a goal for anybody. Until we’ve got that settled, Uzari can seek comfort in jumping back in line for the shop for fancy earrings together with the rest of Europe’s football players. Because that is where he truly belongs.
Ok, so there are a couple other things going on in this world besides Eurovision. Like football. Not that we care so much about insignificant cities in England and their hobbies, but world cup is world cup, and it’s starting to heat up over in the Amazonas.
Therefore, while we are all waiting for Austrian glamour: Here are a couple of observations from the GEE jury:
First and foremost we need to talk about Uruguay. We mean, hello? Who transferred all the hottest men of this world into a country far, far away and WHY didn’t anyone tell us?
Ok, we are soon ready with all our reviews this year. Time to focus on what this contest is really about: The men. And who should we look out for in this year’s screens, press conferences and Euro clubs? Time for us to cast our votes:
1 point goes to Teofrom Belarus
Teo’s real name is Yuriy Vaschuk. That pretty much does it for us. Oh, and the fact that he is a Belarusian man deadly afraid of being objectified. Welcome to our list, cheesecake.
All reviews are finished and we’re ready for our reward: A flip through the pretty faces and toned bodies of Eurovision. This year sure feels like Halloween, that’s how much candy there is in store for us in Malmö. But who would be the prettiest, sexiest, cutest, hottest of all the yummy men? Here are the results of the GEE votes:
1 point go to….Farid Mammadov from Azerbaijan
Pretty picture perfect this bloke. In fact way too much so for our taste, and for that he barely made our list in spite of being Eurovision 2013’s top model these days. But then we noticed he at least didn’t pluck his eye brows and we figured it’s not his fault his mother made him flawless. Thumbs up for a pretty face, cool style and clever use of UV lights for teeth whitening. Also, seems like a cool, down to earth fellow. The rest is just politics.
OK, let’s be honest. Looks do matter. A great deal. Why else would so many people around the world be so rich from designing, sewing, brushing, styling and pumping botox to all the wrong and wrong places? We have to say, we appreciate the efforts of all those who made the men of this year’s Eurovision. In GEE headquarters we spend most of May drooling over the ones who think this wonderful contest is all about the right tune. For the latter we find them adorable, and here are some extra points for them being hot as well:
So, you thought we forgot about the men this year? Oh no, not us. We have been following them for quite some time now. And even though there’s no equal to our long lost love, Marcin Mrozínski (is there ever?), there’s a couple of highlights in the goodiebag this year as well. Here are the votes of the GEE jury:
1 point go to Azerbaijan’s Eldar Chris Martin Qasimov Barely made the list, but as cute as he is, we’re kinda glad he did. We enjoy his style and he does have the most Chris Martinest of voices. And after all we do love Chris Martin. So guess there’s your point, Eldar.