Let’s say you didn’t follow our strong recommendations and watched the Eurovision final last night. Or maybe you had no choice but to prioritize a best friend’s wedding and that gave you such a headache today you are still not able to hear music. Then we unfortunately have to tell you you missed out on something big. But don’t you worry. GEE is always here to help. We give you our recap of last night’s best and worst for you:
Oh crap, we suddenly realized Norway is actually out. Up until now we have been in denial and sort of wished it was a bad dream. We bet a lot of our fellow country madames et messieurs really struggle to come up with one single reason why to turn on the telly round about nine o’clock tonight, let alone, who on earth should they vote for? And we are in good company with the likes of Portuguese, Israelis and Poles, to mention a few. And not to forget, the Dutch! They should be used to this situation, maybe we should ask them for some advise on how to deal with the humiliation of being among the losers and the relegated.
The official welcome party of Eurovision Song Contest 2011 went down on Saturday and since we were not there parading up the red carpet like we did last year, we have decided that it wasn’t half as good, and we probably didn’t miss out on anything. Most of the Eurovision celebs had thrown on their fanciest rags for the occasion, and let’s just say that some have a better sense of style than others…
Flipping through the pics from eurovision.tv we can at least point out a couple of observations. The EBU photographer is clearly no fashion photographer, in fact, we wonder if he has even held a camera in his hands ever before. And at times we wonder if this is even taken from the right event as it looks more like some random guy’s Facebook album from a Halloween party he attended in high school. Good grief! Very well, here’s some red carpet highlights and lowlights for you.
So, here’s what we picture happened when Germany made a UK office draw them a logo for Eurovision, and UK handed over this:
Mr. Cameron – a gentleman striving to keep it up as a prime minister with absolutely no love for Eurovision, but with very strong competitive skills.
Mr. Clegg – yet another gentleman striving to keep his buddy David up to date on important European matters such as…say, Eurovision.
Chancellor Merkel – a woman striving to avoid the subject of Eurovision by passing on as much of the dirty work as possible to her not so close friends in UK.
We approach Mr. Cameron and Mr. Clegg as they are doing their daily 9 to 5 work at the office:
Mr Cameron: Did you see this quite formal letter from the Germans asking us to design a logo? How very extraordinary!
Mr Clegg: Why certainly, David. What are we to make of this? Could it be some sort of joke? I mean it’s not like we are close allies or anything.
Mr Cameron: Yes, that is a quite appropriate question, Nick. But I do not know the Germans as great humorists. Allthough Chancellor Angela did at one point laugh at my excuisite joke about Icelandic banks.
Mr Clegg: Oh no, not that joke again, please. But if this is not a joke, then perhaps it could be a gesture of pity? You know, since we really suck at Eurovision, mind the language, and they didn’t this year?
Mr. Cameron: My, Nick! Is that true?
Mr. Clegg: Yes, David. You know very well that dark little German satellitegirl with that way too red lipstick won this year. We watched it in Downing Street, remember? We were so happy to finally be using all that hi tech surveillance equipment for something important. I know you don’t love Eurovision as much as me, but you gotta know this great moment in time!
Mr. Cameron: All right, all right, I do remember. You mean that pale girl? Judging by the accent I thought she was some sort of a Chav from one of those poor British suburbs I never visited. If not, then where were the British? Didn’t they share the moment?
Mr. Clegg: That is a matter best left unmentioned, I’m afraid.
Mr. Cameron: Do the Germans really believe they can defeat us? That is a national scandal! We may only have blood, sweaty teenagers, soiled songwriters and tears, but we shall not flag or fail, we shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Düsseldorf, we shall fight on the stages and on television, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the semi finals…
Mr. Clegg: We don’t actually have to be in…
Mr. Cameron: …we shall defend our music whatever the cost may be, we shall fight in the final. We may have lost A1 to Norway, and weird Chavs to Germany, but we shall never surrender.
Mr Clegg: Very well then, David. We do not recognize the meaning of the word defeat. I suggest we give the Germans the worst piece of crap we are able to make. How about we make it ourselves, even? I have a drawing tool on my iPad right here. That oughta send them a message.
Mr. Cameron: I am ready. We need a method and an object. Economics are the method; the object is to change the heart and soul.
Mr. Clegg: Yes, minister, heart! That is an excellent idea! I actually know how to draw a heart! Pass me the gin, I am creative now. This will be the best joke ever. Can you feel your heart beat? People will probably think this is inspired by chav chicks!
Mr. Cameron: Very well. Are we done then?
Mr. Clegg: Shush, I’m busy creating iPad art.
Several days later – weeks, in fact:
Chancellor Merkel: Thank you very much for your heart beat, David. How very ironic of you. I absolutely hate it.
Mr. Cameron: We will never ever ever be defeaten. You stick to your cleveage, Angela.
Chancellor Merkel: Mister Cameron! If you were my husband, I would poison your tea!
Mr. Cameron: Lady Merkel, if you were my wife, I would drink that tea.
Chancellor Merkel to herself after Mr. Cameron had a heart attack and can’t feel his heart beat: Oh well, what did I expect from the Brits? I guess Eurovision is all about irony anyways. I’ll fix up this heart and fax it to Düsseldorf.
And yeah, you know the rest, heart beat it is. In case you wondered what we are trying to tell you by this rather long, dull dialogue (one often does when politicians are involved), the message is: This is one boring slogan made by the English, who should be able to do better. And yeah, please leave politics out of Eurovision.