The Big 5 + Sweden reviews

france rehearsal ebu thomas hanses
No funny comment here, we just needed an excuse to post a picture of this fabulous bloke. Pic by EBU/Thomas Hanses

With all the Nordic countries relegated in the semi finals we can at least take comfort in Sweden being directly qualified as the host country. Now we know who to send all those friendly neighbor votes to! Then we have the Big 5 countries that can’t be bothered to actually go the trouble of qualifying so they pop up rather unexpectedly in the Grand Final. At the very least a couple of them sent a cracking tune this year! Here are our reviews, nicely lined up for you:

 

Hottest Eurovision Male 2016 Pageant

Finally. It’s the one time of year when we get to focus on the most important thing in our life: Who is the best-looking bloke in Eurovision?

The jury had a hard time this year. There were a lot of great applications, and many argued their case well, which once again reminded us what a great year 2016 is for fabulousness. In the end we just had to share a bottle of pinot and get down to business. The jury has taken the following criteria into consideration: looks, charm, style, shaggability, social skills, likelihood of showing up in Euroclub and the ability to wear clothes while being surrounded by highly dangerous animals. Other than that, we have followed the strict EBU guidelines, of course, allowing gay flags, but not at all relating to any kind of politics. Everybody knows those politicians are boring anyway.

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London Eurovision – our awards

francois
Hey! WHO took my bottle of vodka? I have only had one this evening!
Yeah, yeah, we know, it’s been TWO whole days since the Eurovision party in London. But like certain Cypriots we needed a while to unwind. And first things first, we have been  super busy trying to translate all the stories Polish media keep writing about us. It sure is awesome to be noticed in a country so huge it would consider our proud capital a little farm village.

Didn’t forget our duties, though. Here are the awards of the GEE jury:

Funkiest woman onstage: Bulgaria’s Poli Genova. What a fabulous gal she is! We are shaving off half our hair and joining her fan club any minute now.

Best performance: France’s Amir. Singing Golden boy. Can we please get that in EuroClub too, hon? Seven a day keeps the blues away – and the GEE girls your biggest fans for life.

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Hurrah! Second semi-final coming up!

TH00006_37
Oh, please! Get a room!

Tonight is a big one coming up for us as Norway is on, and no less than FIVE of the guys on our hotlist. We recommend a bottle of Chardonnay, Valium and an oxygen mask within reach. If all goes well and we don’t pass out with overexcitement before the Czech Republic sings, we hope we will be able to celebrate the following ten countries going through to the Grand Final (click on the links to read our review):

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Hottest Eurovision male 2015 pageant

Musical entertainment, stage decoration hobbies and the occasional dancing set aside, we all know what this contest is really about: The men. We have now reached the time of the contest when we need to sum up all our male acquaintances before they start disappearing again later tonight. And who did we like the most? Here are the results of the Norwegian jury.

1 point go to…Belarus

belarus
“Look, I borrowed my sister’s accessories. Do you think I look like Skywise now?”

So, Uzari barely made our list, although he has got some great potential going for him. Main reason: Hair cut. We really need to talk about how to relate to curls without ending up looking like  Lionel Richie, which shouldn’t be a goal for anybody. Until we’ve got that settled, Uzari can seek comfort in jumping back in line for the shop for fancy earrings together with the rest of Europe’s football players. Because that is where he truly belongs.

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Oh no, not them again

So, you think you’ve had it all? Enter Sweden. The country that is known for projecting a lot of fake men on stage:

 

Make no mistake, we love Sweden. They provide us with heaps of fit workers to pour our beers, they keep their shops open while ours are closed and they always give us something to bitch about here across the border. How very kind of them.

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Grand final: Fun facts and what to expect

Romania
“In the beautiful, Norwegian village of Bryne you can find a piano like this in every home”

Yay, the grand final is rapidly approaching in Copenhagen! We just watched the jury final, and here’s a heads up on what to expect:

1.Ukraine: Tick-Tock sung by Mariya Yaremchuk

Struggles to impress us with a man in a hamster wheel. That’s nothing but a nice try when Greece has THREE men on a TRAMPOLINE.

2.Belarus: Cheesecake sung by Teo

Thank God the final at least has one song about cakes. Claims to not be Patrick Swayze, which is great as he never would be able to lift us anyway.

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First rehearsals. Impressions and fun facts

In case of emergency, please unfold the parachute. Photo: Andres Putting (EBU)
In case of emergency, please unfold your own parachute first, then help your children. Photo: Andres Putting (EBU)

So. First semi final is no more than a week away and rehearsals are well on their way. Here are some of the most important facts we have picked up on this far:

  • Georgia is way funnier than first anticipated.How unbelievably cool is it to bring a parachute onstage? If you are to dance around high as a kite onstage, why not bring your kite, we say. And there is a slight possibility Israel’s lady might blow us all up, so security equipment is welcomed.
  • Speaking of Israel, we have an announcement to make: Three pair of pants have been found lurking around the airport looking for their owners. Mei and choir chicks can report to the information desk in order to get fully dressed for next week.

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