Hooray, it’s the national day of all fans: The day of the Eurovision final! As always it is a day of conflicted emotions, as it is also the last day of two weeks of fabulous celebration and partying with amazing artists and fans from all over Europe and Australia. And we have to leave the fantastic city of Kyiv tomorrow, which will be like leaving the newfound love of our lives. Also, we think the hunky guys at the fabulous Druzi café will miss us coming in every morning to cure our carefully crafted hangover with two eggs and an avocado smoothie and more black coffee than any Ukrainian has ever been able to order in one day.
Time to decide what really matters in this year’s competition: Who is the hottest bloke?
The jury has had a difficult time, as usual. The careful selection process involved a lot of vodka, fighting over basic female rights and rather serious investigations into whether or not the candidates have been to Crimea. We decided to listen to Latvia and draw the line somewhere, so we agreed candidates young enough to be the parents of our grandchildren were not allowed. But we welcome Bulgaria, Australia and Ireland to try again when their artists are out of high school.
There shall be no doubt: The fan community expects Italy to win this year. The odds are close to one, and not even great countries in the East are trying to throw a spanner into the works of the lovely Francesco Gabbani and his ginormous teddy bear. We have no trouble with that. There are at least 50 reasons to love Italy this year: Continue reading
Ah, the glorious Sanremo. Full of american actors dubbed to Italian, Tiziano Ferro doing unspeakable things to Saint Luigi Tenco (that’s just blasphemy, man), Francesco Totti trying to control his balls and the annoyingly irreplaceable Carlo Conti. When the latter dies, he’ll surely create a new festival to host in heaven while we’ll be having a neverending ball in purgatory with Marco Mengoni.
But most of all Sanremo is a celebration of the greatest musical nation in history and the selection of who gets to represent it in this year’s Eurovision in Kyiv, at least in theory. Never mind the totally incomprehensible voting system and let’s concentrate on the contestants. Here are all the finalists and what to expect from them – at least in our humble opinion (click on name to see the whole performance on RAI, never mind the chitchat in the beginning):
Surely this act must be included only to make Carlo Conti feel better about his age. We must admit he knows how to sing, this one, but why can’t he just shut up about it? Has the most hideous glasses ever shown on stage in San Remo. Miuccia Prada must be weeping.
Our vote: nay nay nay and then some more nay
In a country where most women try to look like hungry, underage fashion models, it is a serious accomplishment to show up with pink, short hair and Gigi Hadid’s eyebrows. Elodie is nothing short of fabulous, and neither is her performance. The song is a bit boring, though. Consider changing that part.
Our vote: Absolutely yay!
With all the Nordic countries relegated in the semi finals we can at least take comfort in Sweden being directly qualified as the host country. Now we know who to send all those friendly neighbor votes to! Then we have the Big 5 countries that can’t be bothered to actually go the trouble of qualifying so they pop up rather unexpectedly in the Grand Final. At the very least a couple of them sent a cracking tune this year! Here are our reviews, nicely lined up for you:
Italy has two eras in Eurovision: Before and after Marco Mengoni. Before Marco there were royal highnesses such as Toto Cotugno, Alice & Battiato and Gigliola Cinquetti, after there has been Il Volo. All showing us what a great nation Italy is and always has been. With few exceptions.
So, there’s Sanremo going on. AKA the Italian national finals for Eurovision. We’re talking about a country that really aces in national finals. We’ve already seen a lot of fabulousness in the semi finals, like this lady dressed up as Donatella Versace/Thomas G:Son/both of those and Nicole Kidman showing up for a chit chat, which we couldn’t understand a word of, as it was simultaneously dubbed to Italian. And neither could she, probably, but she looked great in her newest botox, we’ll give her that.
Also, there is music. Great music. In fact, the Italians tend to take this contest so seriously the level of their national finals almost exceeds the Eurovision final itself. Not bad for a country that also gave us Eros Ramazotti.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Tis the season to be jolly! O come, all ye faithful. And have yourself a merry little Eurovision season!
We can’t wait to start tearing apart all those entries and reporting live from the audience for you, but sadly there are very few chosen ones yet. A few songs will be rendered a thousand times still. And then there is the need to do a recess and have a look at what has been going on the last couple of months. Here’s some of the gossip, predictions and prayers and hopes for you:
Great things could happen in Hungary
So, we closed our eyes for a minute and made a wish. That one day Hungary would bring us a good looking, well behaved bloke with a voice and song to match. Turns out his name is Freddie. Which is short for Fehérvári Gábor Alfréd and a synonym for pretty perfect. He hasn’t conquered his national final yet, but there is no chance he wouldn’t, right? Meet us in Stockholm, baby, we’ll mess around.
Musical entertainment, stage decoration hobbies and the occasional dancing set aside, we all know what this contest is really about: The men. We have now reached the time of the contest when we need to sum up all our male acquaintances before they start disappearing again later tonight. And who did we like the most? Here are the results of the Norwegian jury.
1 point go to…Belarus
So, Uzari barely made our list, although he has got some great potential going for him. Main reason: Hair cut. We really need to talk about how to relate to curls without ending up looking like Lionel Richie, which shouldn’t be a goal for anybody. Until we’ve got that settled, Uzari can seek comfort in jumping back in line for the shop for fancy earrings together with the rest of Europe’s football players. Because that is where he truly belongs.
Our relationship with Italy is deep, heartfelt and renown. So when they showed up with all of their grande amore this year, it’s safe to say the feeling was mutual and our happiness was complete:
Italy pretty much sums up the highlights of our life, really. And no, they are not only gelato, pizza and Brunello.
One of our finest childhood memories is related to Toto Cutugno. It was the year of 1990. We were still to be called young, the Maastricht treaty was yet to be signed and EU still seemed like a swell idea. Enter the man in white with women in all sorts of colors preaching love and togetherness in the name of Italy. La canzone Italiana won. Of course it did. Who the hell could compete with Toto Cutugno? No one. Not then, not ever.