Time for that obligatory hurt man revealing his inner emotions without the use of emotions again. Please welcome Austria’s James Blunt:
Yay, we just attended the first dress rehearsal for the first semi-final and it is shaping up to be a fabulous show. Here’s our first impressions for you:
01 Finland Sandhja Sing It Away
We keep mixing this up with the Spanish song. Which is not a good sign in our book. Backing singers are sweeping the floor with their microphone stands. Hope they get paid by SVT.
02 Greece Argo Utopian Land
Those who think this won’t qualify are seriously deluded. Sporting steaming hot bloke who rips his shirt off towards the end. Opa!
03 Moldova Lidia Isac Falling Stars
We know we are entering into our final week psychosis when we look at each other in nodding approval for the Moldovan entry. If we can’t have Laika the lonely dog in space in Eurovision, at least we can have a hot cosmonaut doing a summersault on stage.
04 Hungary Freddie Pioneer
Stands on what appears to be a perfectly marbled entrecote, which is pretty great because we love a good steak! He’s quite beefy too, come to think of it. We’ll take him medium rare, thank you. Yum!
Last night it was time for the opening party in Stockholm! With the plebeians kept comfortably at arms length, the Eurovision stars finally got to officially meet and greet each other. But before hogging into the free champagne and finger food at the swanky City Hall, they did their schlager duty and had a stroll down the red carpet to show off their finest rags and feathers.
We did of course miss our own Agnete, which was exactly to be expected. We offered to step in, but strangely we never received a reply to that email. Oh well, it’s their loss! As the organizers obviously preferred to keep us safely behind the barriers we made the most out of it and bellowed as loud as we could to catch the stars’ attention. Here’s a few red carpet highlights for you, with pics by yours truly and our buddies over at EBU.
There seems to be a massive Babylonian confusion going on in the United Nations of Eurovision this year. Not only does Ukraine mix English and Russian into an incomprehensible mess about Crimean Tatars that could have been interesting, but also countries like FRANCE blend in some English for bad measure.
Musical entertainment, stage decoration hobbies and the occasional dancing set aside, we all know what this contest is really about: The men. We have now reached the time of the contest when we need to sum up all our male acquaintances before they start disappearing again later tonight. And who did we like the most? Here are the results of the Norwegian jury.
1 point go to…Belarus
So, Uzari barely made our list, although he has got some great potential going for him. Main reason: Hair cut. We really need to talk about how to relate to curls without ending up looking like Lionel Richie, which shouldn’t be a goal for anybody. Until we’ve got that settled, Uzari can seek comfort in jumping back in line for the shop for fancy earrings together with the rest of Europe’s football players. Because that is where he truly belongs.
There’s something special about representing your country on home turf, an honor this year being bestowed upon the Makemakes from Austria.
What makes the perfect entry for a host country is a tricky question, but we dare to say the Austrians have come pretty close with their choice. The broadcaster doesn’t want to risk the chance of hosting the event again, but they don’t want to be laughed at either. So the song should be nice, solid and presentable, safe without being too boring, worthy without being too good. The artist should not be too green or too eager, but cool, laidback and confident without seeming arrogant. It’s also important to pick a strong live performer to avoid the Didrikgate we had to suffer through in Oslo five years ago.
Yay, the grand final is rapidly approaching in Copenhagen! We just watched the jury final, and here’s a heads up on what to expect:
1.Ukraine: Tick-Tock sung by Mariya Yaremchuk
Struggles to impress us with a man in a hamster wheel. That’s nothing but a nice try when Greece has THREE men on a TRAMPOLINE.
2.Belarus: Cheesecake sung by Teo
Thank God the final at least has one song about cakes. Claims to not be Patrick Swayze, which is great as he never would be able to lift us anyway.
There were rehearsals. Actual, real rehearsals! With artist in clothes! Well, sort of anyway. Here are our first impressions from the second semi final:
1. Malta is definitely coming home with us
Malta’s performance was once again steady as a rock and we’re starting to get that winning feeling. And attention! If you look closely, you will see a selfie of us and Marco Mengoni as a part of their stage backdrop. We are very happy to be up there with the loves of our life during such an important moment in history. Oh, and yeah, we are also glad that 130 million viewers get to see our friendly faces, of course. Vote for us, Marco and Malta. It’s number one, peeps.
2. Mei Feingold is still very angry
Half way through the song we just want to scream “WE GOT YOUR POINT THE FIRST TIME” back at her. Also, her stage backdrop looks like something from an adaption of a not so pleasant Cormac McCarthy novel. But thumbs up for effort and all.
When do you not want an Austrian beauty in your bath tub? Please welcome Conchita:
The Austrian song starts off promising and the singer has cool voice. Now, having said that we have to admit we only did so because we learned in rhetoric class that we should start off with something positive and that was all we could find.
We never seem to figure out this country. Is it trying too hard or not trying at all? Are they boring or just totally uninteresting? Did they spend all their musical energy on Mozart leaving nothing for forthcoming generations?