Yay, rehearsals are well on their way in Malmö and there has not been a single terrorist attack yet! We are keeping an eagle eye on everything, of course, as we were just prescribed progressive lenses. This is what we noticed so far:
1. Ukraine is going to win. We mean, with that song and those ladies it was dead giveaway even before they added the part with crying for Mother Theresa under raining bombs .
2. If you think Switzerland, Croatia, France or The Netherlands will win, please see #1 above.
3. And if you think Sweden will win: Just no.
4. But Italy might win. We just saw Marco Mengoni’s producer/bassist/manbun Giovanni Pallotti crossing the Öresund bridge heading straight for his conductor’s podium, and we know that’s where the magic happens. Just hoping he’ll be able to see Angelina:
5. Ireland is this year’s dark horse. And we’re talking super dark. A recent performance in the Late Late Show actually proves they can sing, too, which makes us question the need for screaming for three minutes, but we are all for it.
6. And speaking of Ireland, they painted a message on their face that apparently means “ceasefire”. Too bad Israel can’t read witch language. Or, come to think of it, maybe they can.
7. Greece seems a bit anemic, but it might be just temporary hypothermia. We prescribe a few vodka shots and a treadmill onstage for next round of rehearsals.
8. Moldova is a pleasant surprise, both in terms of vocals, fiddle and staging. This makes us very happy. Please win, so we can afford going to the final next year.
9. In a year where everyone seems to be competing over who is most naked, Finland decided to show up in no pants and a Windows 95 shirt, which they felt the need to blur. This pretty much confirms everything we knew about Finland.
10. Australia FINALLY brought a didgeridoo onstage. It was worth the wait. Now please throw in a couple of kangaroos too and we will explode with happiness.
11. We saw some disturbing photos from The UK’s first rehearsal, which quite frankly scared us more than Ireland. No wonder Olly’s feeling dizzy after 12 rounds in the boxing ring with those blokes.
12. As always we expect great things from France, which usually lets us down and mess up their staging. But with a classical chanson up their sleeve, what can possibly go wrong? Hold my glass of wine, the French say and send a linen clad bloke onstage who looks like he rents out beach beds in Antibes for a living. Sigh.
13. And speaking of France. He stands about five meters away from the microphone bellowing his lungs out. Protip: Move closer.
14. Czechia brings tons of girl power this year which is always delightful. We do however recommend wearing a bra. #pancakeboobs #protip.
15. In the absence of Romania this year, San Marino has taken the task upon themselves to present the most helplessly incompetent trash. Bless them.
16. Austria takes us right back to the parties we attended in the outskirts of Brighton in the mid-nighties when our parents thought we were learning English, not learning to smoke weed. Good times!
17. Georgia sends the full fire brigade to Malmö this year. We wonder if those perhaps are more needed on the streets in Tbilisi nowadays, but nevermind.
18. Germany is in serious need of help from Georgia, putting those scary fires out. They’re aiming for nil points yet again, we see. Guess someone needed to do that job.
19. The Netherlands has a song about EU. We need to remind them Toto Cutugno already covered that.
20. Did we mention that Ukraine will win?
Now, bring on those semi-finals!
