What to Expect from Eurovision, Semifinal 2

You cannot actually expect Marco Mengoni, we’re afraid. But he looks good in pictures. Pic by Sarah Louise Bennett/EBU

Yay, that was some semifinal last night! Not only did Auntie Beeb deliver a fantastic show that shows great potential for Saturday and almost makes us vote for the UK entry so they can do it all over again. We also experienced fabulous things like the biggest camel toe in Eurovision history, Croatia reminding us of the stolen kids from Kherson and in general just showcasing a lot of integrity in the press conference, Alessandra almost pushing the button, Pasha Parfeni’s wife sharing that they work together in the shower (picture or didn’t happen) and Marco Mengoni performing the very best we’ve ever heard from him and we’ve heard A LOT.

Tomorrow is yet another opportunity for greatness. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first things first: We’ve reached a historical moment. For the first time in our long and successful Eurovisional life, we admit that we were wrong. And not only that, we will also make an apology. Most embarrassing, of course, but we are grown-ups and it was much needed:

Dear Finland, Käytämme tämän hetken pyytääksemme sinulta anteeksi. Jäimme todella huomiotta suuret voimasi Eurovision näyttämöllä. Emme nähneet, kuinka upea taiteilija sinulla on ja kuinka hyvin hän käyttää vihreitä käsivarsiaan. Emme koskaan aliarvioi sinua enää. Me todella rakastamme sinua. Ja me kannustamme sinua vanhan Loreenin ohitse. Lots of love, Astrid and Guri

YAY! Lopuksi tunnusta ne, joilla on todella merkitystä! Pic by Sarah Louise Bennett/EBU.

Ah, feels good to get that off our chest. Now let’s move on to tomorrow’s contestants:

1. 🇩🇰 Denmark | Reiley – Breaking My Heart

Denmark is super cute. Which is more than we can say about most of the young fellahs present this year. Points for that. It’s early in the evening, after all, and we are not yet sick of sugar candy.

5/12 points

2. 🇦🇲 Armenia | Brunette – Future Lover

And this would be the snooze fest of the competition. Time to fill up on booze.

2/12 points

3. 🇷🇴 Romania | Theodor Andrei – D.G.T. (Off and On)

Apparently, the Romanian public voted for another entry, but someone in TVR changed the voting rules halfway through to make sure her son was chosen. We are yet to have these facts confirmed, but it sounds pretty accurate, given our understanding of Romanian democracy. We keep getting press updates about Theodor’s socks. Guess you have to work with what you have.

0/12 points

My pronouns are he/him and lousy. Pic by Sarah Louise Bennett/EBU

4. 🇪🇪 Estonia | Alika – Bridges

One of the best outfits of this year’s competition and great singing. Not sure about the song, though, and that’s kind of why she’s here.

4/12 points

5. 🇧🇪 Belgium | Gustaph – Because Of You

Funky song in delivered by a funky group of people. This must be the most inclusive Belgians have ever appeared. Also, there is some supercalifragilisticexpialidocious singing here. We salute them.

10/12 points

6. 🇨🇾 Cyprus | Andrew Lambrou – Break A Broken Heart

Cyprus is doing his best at imagining Imagine Dragons. Which is not so welcome. If you are from the country that gave us the beaches of Aiya Napa, act your part, we’d say.

4/12 points

7. 🇮🇸 Iceland | Diljá – Power

Yeah, sorry. Singing about papapapa should be reserved for Junior Eurovision.

2/12 points

Presenting the newly designed scouting uniform for Greece! Pic by Chloe Hashemi/EBU

8. 🇬🇷 Greece | Victor Vernicos – What They Say

A pretty decent entry, once we get passed the fact that it is a ballad and that it is not sung by either a)Kostas Martakis or b)Kostas Martakis. Victor seems greatly talented and apparently has a Danish father who plays the trumpet. And where the actual is he? one might ask.

7/12 points

9. 🇵🇱 Poland | Blanka – Solo

This year’s Latino entry is delivered to you directly from…Warzaw? So many questions, so few answers.

2/12 points

Hey, all. Remember to invite GEE along when we go to Finland next year. Pic by Chloe Hashemi/EBU

10. 🇸🇮 Slovenia | Joker Out – Carpe Diem

Given the fact that we are double the age of most contestants and also, you know, #metoo, we quit hosting hottest male artist-competitions, even though the demand is high. Too bad for Slovenia. There are a couple of people who choose to be men in this happy bunch, that easily would have made the list. Also, fun song. Congratulations on being one of our winners of this semi final.

10/12 points

11. 🇬🇪 Georgia | Iru – Echo

Apparently, the Georgian people have more important things on their minds this year than looking for artists that sing instead of bellowing their lungs out on some random stage in Europe. We sympathize.

3/12 points

12. 🇸🇲 San Marino | Piqued Jacks – Like An Animal

And speaking of shout-shout-shout-thankyouandgoodbye: There’s really no excuse for this one.

1/12 points

Not to be a drag, but only 6 people are allowed on stage. Pic by Chloe Hashemi/EBU

13. 🇦🇹 Austria | Teya & Salena – Who The Hell Is Edgar?

We had high hopes for this great song, sung by two fierce Austrian chicks. But must admit we were a tiny bit underwhelmed by their lack of energy in rehearsals. A song about not giving women enough credit for their hard work and expertise is highly welcomed at this stage, though. After all, we are struggling to make people read a few sentences of wisdom on this web page while the Wiwiboys are running around talking nonsense to thousands of people from the press center every day.

9/12 points

14. 🇦🇱 Albania | Albina & Familja Kelmendi – Duje

The mixed choir of rural Albania is bringing you a nice, little tune about family values. Adorable indeed.

4/12 points

15. 🇱🇹 Lithuania | Monika Linkytė – Stay

This would be the best of the Baltics this year. Which isn’t saying a lot. Cute, little tune with lyrics apparently used as magical incantations in Lithuanian folk tunes. Beware of paranormal activity. Extra points for killer earrings.

6/12 points

Look, mate! I see Marco Mengoni down there! Pic by Chloe Hashemi/EBU

16. 🇦🇺 Australia | Voyager – Promise

Australia is testing the rock approach this year. Not entirely successful, we’d say. There’s a reason there are no kangaroos in the heavy rock scene. Imagine that moshpit.

5/12 points

Also, these people will be presented in the Second Semi-Final:

🇪🇸 Spain |

No comment.

1/12 points

🇺🇦 Ukraine |

Please refer to our comment on Georgia for this one. Slava Ukraini!

5/12 points

🇬🇧 United Kingdom

We want to like United Kingdom for their amazing hosting skills. But they’re making it very hard for us, unfortunately.

3/12 points

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