OMG, the arena is open again. Tonight is the dress rehearsal known as the jury-final and tomorrow is the first semi-final of EUROVISION 2023! There are tons of fabulous acts, of course, and we can’t wait to see them performed live. And who do we love the most? Let’s give you an overview!
1. 🇳🇴 Norway | Alessandra – Queen of Kings
Our very own Alessandra has a fabulous outfit and is starting to look like a natural viking belladonna. Apparently, she didn’t do her very best singing in the first dress rehearsal, but we’re not concerned. She is showing true star quality and has a great song to match. We knew it would take an Italian to make us really proud. Brava!
2. 🇲🇹 Malta | The Busker – Dance (Our Own Party)
We were a bit disappointed SunStroke Project and their Epic Sax Guy didn’t make it to Eurovision from their national final this year. But happy Malta’s Buskers are doing their best to comfort us and bring us an almost as epic sax guy and a few other colorful blokes to match. They are charming enough in their vintage car, but unfortunately, we fear their song is a bit too forgetful to keep them in Liverpool until the end of the week. The weather should be better in Valetta this time of year, though.
3. 🇷🇸 Serbia | Luke Black – Samo Mi Se Spava
Time for one of our absolute favorites this year. And also the one that is improved the most by far since the national performance, when it came across as a bit too Justin Bieberish for our taste. But my, how we were mistaken. From the moment Luke Black rolls onstage in his oyster/lobster/spaceship surrounded by what looks like the Fireflies from The Last of Us, it is clear that this is truly the Cezar moment of this year’s contest. There’s so much going on here, we don’t even know where to begin, but surely, we never want it to end. Expect everything from black metal shrieks to ethnic beats to everything in between. Remember to send a thank you note to Beograd.
4. 🇱🇻 Latvia | Sudden Lights – Aijā
Moving straight towards the bottom of our scoreboard. We don’t even know how this song managed to qualify. We mean, why didn’t anyone tell us that the EBU allows participants that utter random words and press a few buttons? We could totally have done that for San Marino.
5. 🇵🇹 Portugal | Mimicat – Ai Coração
Portugal has a very Portuguese artist singing a very Portuguese song. Fine with us as long as it is not fado, which this is not. Instead, there’s a fierce chick ready to conquer the world in red feathers and red lipstick and red everything with a retro upbeat tune that sounds like the finale of Lisbon the musical. We’re all for it, of course.
6. 🇮🇪 Ireland | Wild Youth – We Are One
We recommend you locate your mute button in time for this one. This is the absolute worst piece we’ve ever heard on a Eurovision stage. It’s like Ronan Keating died and returned as a zombie determined to kill everyone with sound. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
7. 🇭🇷 Croatia | Let 3 – Mama ŠČ!
We still haven’t been able to close our mouths since Croatia decided on Let 3 in their national final. It’s absolutely bonkers, absolutely not family-friendly, and absolutely very much political. Please don’t tell the EBU. We love it, of course.
8. 🇨🇭 Switzerland | Remo Forrer – Watergun
Yeah, waterguns are not exactly what Europe needs right now. Next, please.
9. 🇮🇱 Israel | Noa Kirel – Unicorn
Just like we will start believing in unicorns at some stage in our lives, we’re sure we would have grown to like this one had we been in Liverpool. Good thing we stayed at home.
10. 🇲🇩 Moldova | Pasha Parfeni – Soarele şi Luna
What a bad year to not be present in the audience, as all our old friends show up one after another onstage. It’s starting to feel like the best reunion ever! Pasha Parfeni certainly is at the top of our all-time Eurovision love list, both for being one of the nicest people alive, for once having shown up in leather slacks a girl does not easily forget, and for staying true to himself with epic songs, combining national, ethnic influence with hit potential. We predict a high score for this one, also because Moldova certainly deserves a few extra votes of sympathy these days. Wish Pasha would stick to leather and tune down the esotericism a notch, tho’.
11. 🇸🇪 Sweden | Loreen – Tattoo
Yeah, yeah, we get it. There’s a winning combination of Loreen and Thomas Gson here. We already booked our old Air BnB right next to Thomas’ flat in Stockholm for next year. Only wish there was a little bit more euphoric oomph to it all so we didn’t have to worry so much about Loreen hitting that glass ceiling.
12. 🇦🇿 Azerbaijan | TuralTuranX – Tell Me More
Clearly, someone wants to be young Paul and John in Liverpool. Unfortunately, that’s not working out so well for them.
13. 🇨🇿 Czechia | Vesna – My Sister’s Crown
We had high hopes for this girl’s group, who shows both attitude and sly coolness. We do miss a bit of energy, though, but it might improve come Tuesday. And they should save a little extra for Saturday as well.
14. 🇳🇱 Netherlands | Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper – Burning Daylight
There’s a pretty duet here. If you’re into that sort of stuff.
15. 🇫🇮 Finland | Käärijä – Cha Cha Cha
This has got to be the biggest fan wank we’ve seen since Carola was invincible and man, have we seen a lot. We think it’s horrendous, of course. But a few points for having the fans believe Alexander Stubb was actually dancing for him in-between NATO negotiations.
In addition to these, the following will be presented and have the opportunity to vote:
🇫🇷 France | La Zarra – Évidemment
France has a fantastic song this year, and doesn’t seem to be ruining it in staging either, which makes us very, very happy. Montreal 2024!
🇩🇪 Germany | Lord of the Lost – Blood & Glitter
True to tradition, Germany has an absolutely rubbish entry this year. This time, they’re trying to be a Norwegian black metal band. Not succeeding, but half a point for good goal-setting.
🇮🇹 Italy | Marco Mengoni – Due Vite
Anyone who has been somewhere near our web page and/or us sometime during the last ten years should know we are over the moon with Marco Mengoni being back on the Eurovision stage without us having to force him there. In fact, we are so excited Marco might be happy we are not near him right now. Instead, he is in front of a giant moon onstage looking like our auntie’s lampshade while some weirdos are jumping a trampoline behind him. This has us a little concerned. He should ask his darling producer and good ol’ Donatella Versace to visualize the part of his lyrics about ci siamo fottuti outside a club instead. There’s still time left for Saturday. Singing is as flawless as ever, though. Every single time. Marco Mengoni par sempre!