Sanremo 2023. What to expect from the world’s second greatest song contest

OMG! It’s time for Sanremo again! We’re so excited we totally forgot about our own national final. But we did notice a FABULOUS ITALIAN CHICK WON in Norway. Way to go, NRK. We’ll be back for more on that, but first things first: Let us tell you what we’re most excited about as the greatest song contest in history is about to commence.

Starting with the obvious:

It took some waiting, but Jesus is finally back. Hallelujah!

1. MARCO MENGONI IS BACK! No, really, he IS back!

We all knew it would come to this. After 10 years of constant harassment from his two biggest Norwegian fans counting millions of messages on Facebook; Twitter; Instagram; Whatsapp; Telegram; Signal; Discord; Gaysir; Tinder; Snapchat and TikTok, two instances of having to be onstage anyways and numerous interviews with said fans in Norwegian media highlighting him even though he wasn’t present, Marco Mengoni finally gave in. If you can’t beat us, join us, we’d say and we’re super excited to hear the song. Not that Marco needs one, he’ll push right through on mute. We’re all set for RONCIGLIONE 2024.

2. There will be more great artists

Plenty of them. Not that we know Italian artists that well. But we know Giorgia and Madame, because they both did songs with Marco Mengoni. Also, loving the style of Ariete and Colapesce Dimartino, and absolutely not loving the style of Cugini di Campagna. We like Rosa Chemical, but we fear he might be disqualified for singing in English while still claiming the song is Made in Italy, and he most certainly will not pass the metal detector in the Liverpool press center anyway. Also, we noticed contestant Mr. Rain has a song called Fiori di Chernobyl. We suggest choosing another one this time.

We found a new look for EuroClub. Pic by Rai

3. The schedule is exhausting

Now, we do love as much Sanremo as we can get, but the rest of our family tends to get a slight overdose from the telly constantly delivering Italian chatter, songs, and cheering. We already started peace negotiations. And this will be the schedule:

Tuesday, February 7th:
The first fourteen competing artists each perform their song, INCLUDING Marco Mengoni.

Wednesday, February 8th:
The remaining fourteen competing artists each perform their song.

Thursday, February 9th:
All competing artists perform their songs, INCLUDING Marco Mengoni.

Friday, February 10th:
The competing artists, INCLUDING Marco Mengoni, each perform a cover of a song of their choice, duetting with a guest performer.

Saturday, February 11th:
All of the competing artists perform their songs again, with the top five moving on to the final round of voting. Marco Mengoni wins.

4. Rules are complicated

This being Italy and all, rules are not easy to understand. They have been changed four times only since December, and there still might be plenty of reelections and restructuring down the line.

As per now, voting rules are as follows:

  • You can vote for all 28 artists every night. Even the ones that are not playing.
  • No artist is excluded along the way. This is Italy. We love long shows. And l’amore è dappertutto!
  • We think the points follow the artists from one day to the next, but we forgot how that worked last year. Our brains are approaching 50 after all.
  • There will be a super final in the end. And then it is no use voting for other than the five artists in the super final, we guess.
  • And, thank God, this being Italy and all, they didn’t yet discover the possibility of voting through an app. Let’s hope they never will.
We bet Gucci will be drooling over these ones. Pic by RAI/Sanremo

5. There will be guests

Sanremo is not Sanremo unless there are plenty of Italian guests doing what their best at and international guests doing what they absolutely cannot muster, which is speaking Italian. Last year, Roberto Saviano held a 30-minute speech about the Camorra on their primetime family TV, so we guess anything can happen.

Over the years we’ve seen the likes of Nicole Kidman, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, John Cena, Hilary Duff, and Orlando Bloom, and this year we’ll get to know the Italian side of Volodymyr Zelensky, Black Eyed Peas, and Depeche mode, not to mention Måneskin, showcasing the latest Gucci collection. Sports guests are yet to be confirmed, but we recently saw Erling Braut Haaland crawling the Internet for cheap plane tickets to Nice, so we might finally get a Norwegian onstage. Also, Italian music’s equivalent of Jennifer Coolidge, Ornella Vanoni, shows up on the final night. Show nothing but love for her, per favore.

Let the little children come to me! Pic by Rai

5. Amadeus is back

Not as in Mozart, but as a host for the fourth time. And bless him, he must be the multitasking king of Italy, keeping track of five alternating co-hosts, artists, guest artists, sports celebrities, presidents of occupied countries, actors, comedians, directors, and models. Someone should give this man a medal and a two-week vacation on St Barth. Starting a crowd-fund as we speak.

6. There will be conductors. And conductrices.

Sanremo is so classy they still have a live orchestra and designated conductors, including several women. Watch and learn, Swedish producers.

Not sure what happened here. Pic stolen from our hero Eddy Anselmi, hoping he’ll forgive us one day.

7. There’s an elephant in the room

Pink elephants appearing in the room is usually not a good sign, rather a result of one too many vodka-fuelled late nights in Euroclub for yours truly, but in Sanremo it is a mind game to make people understand the power of images created with artificial intelligence. We checked with ChatGPT and can totally confirm this to be true.

We also asked ChatGPT if Marco Mengoni will win this, by the way. She answered: “But of course. And I do hope he has good bodyguards when he meets up with his Norwegian fans in May.

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