What to expect from the Eurovision final 2022

All right, so we took a dive. We started this Eurovision season full of hope for the future. Covid restrictions were mostly behind us, Mahmood delievered his highest B in SanRemo and we were heading straight to heaven, also known as Italy.

Then 24th of February happened. Russia proved just how grande a-holes they can be and then some. And everything went downhill from there. Safe to say, we have had other things on our minds than Eurovision. But hey, it’s still the frickin final tomorrow. And a girl, aka middle aged, exhausted, disillusioned woman, needs to do what a girl needs to do and get reviewing. Can’t let Putler shut us up, after all.

Presenting a few comments from the GEE jury, in running order.

🇨🇿 Czech Republic: We Are Domi – Lights Off

Eurovision opens with a message of turning the lights off. Interesting choice. We’re very happy all the entries with Norwegian participants made it to the final or the Norwegian media wouldn’t have anything else to write about than Tix and Efendi. Or scrap that, they did that anyway. And that concludes our remarks on this song.

🇷🇴 Romania: WRS – Llámame

Yay! After a few years better left unmentioned, Romania is back on track. If you are going to do the Latino thing, which seems to be the obsessive-compulsive disorder of Eurovision artists, at least put your heart into it, we’d say. WRS certainly got our memo. Expect exquisite hip movement, indulgent masturbative moves, and the best belt of the competition. Well done, Romania. Keep it up!

🇵🇹 Portugal: MARO – Saudade, Saudade

We get it. It certainly is time to form a prayer circle and ask for better times. But here are a few things one should never, ever do in Eurovision: a) wear lavender b)wear cotton c)braid your hair d)sing people to sleep in the first half.

🇫🇮 Finland: The Rasmus – Jezebel

We used to be fans of The Rasmus back in the days when we were still fit enough to headbang. So when they appeared with a song about leading saints into sexual immorality, we were all for it. The song is decent enough to get a few nods of approval, at least for old time’s sake.

🇨🇭 Switzerland: Marius Bear – Boys Do Cry

The biggest shocka of the first semi-final was this highlighted bloke making it instead of Achille Lauro or Michael Ben David. Maybe the news of boys crying seems groundbreaking to the rest of Europe, but in our world of soft men that is completely normal. As is the ability to pause for aspiration between each word, so we don’t see the hype. We noticed Marius sings about the wolf that lives in him. We suggest taking a tip from Norway and letting it all out.

🇫🇷 France: Alvan & Ahez – Fulenn

This one seems to be many people’s favorite. Which is a sure sign we’re not people. It seems like the theme song to an experimental student camp in the outback, meant to summon some kind of good spirit and connect with your inner self. Been there, done that, back to regular booze in our own homes.

🇳🇴 Norway: Subwoolfer – Give That Wolf A Banana

Norwegian press has been full of news about whether Subwoolfer’s DJ is Tix or not. We are very relieved to learn that it is NOT and less relieved to know NRK’s content creators didn’t find anything more interesting to do in Torino. They almost made us hate these wolves. But must admit we still like the song, Gaute Ormåsen is one fine singer, and this one is one for the kids and their voting machines. Best of luck for now, and do hire a new PR team for next time. We have a couple of suggestions.

🇦🇲 Armenia: Rosa Linn – Snap

Two words: Beige and post-its. Thanks, but no thanks.

🇮🇹 Italy: Mahmood & Blanco – Brividi

Two of our favorite Italian artists serenading each other can be nothing but success. We have written a lot about Mahmood and Blanco already, and their stellar performances speak for themselves. Now, will Italy win for the second time in a row? We wouldn’t mind one bit.

🇪🇸 Spain: Chanel – SloMo

Question: Are you allowed to call yourself Chanel when you wear this little clothes? We think no. And on those grounds, we chose to disqualify the artist formerly known as Chanel from our list of contestants. She seemed more like a commercial for bikini wax anyways.

🇳🇱 Netherlands: S10 – De Diepte

This song is really growing on us. It reminds us of our childhoods when our mums were in the living room drinking chianti with their friends while listening to Joan Baez, and that’s all hipster now. Then again it also reminds us a little of bonfires in Christian camps. Maybe not bothering to put clothes on that one meter of tummy is the Dutch version of going completely bonkers?

🇺🇦 Ukraine: Kalush Orchestra – Stefania

Once upon a time, right before the 24th of February, we were all watching the Ukrainian national final Vidbir. Once again we noticed the level of that competition being higher than most semifinals in Eurovision. Once again we applauded the winner, being sure she would win the whole thing in Torino. Once again the winner was disqualified for having visited Crimea. That whole story seems very distant now. But at least Ukraine is on stage in Torino with the runner-up, Kalush Orchestra. Their song is also fabulous and set to create goosebumps throughout Europe.

We expect nothing but victory for Ukraine, of course. Let’s all have a party in Kyiv 2023!

🇩🇪 Germany: Malik Harris – Rockstars

Shoot, we forgot to listen to this one. Or maybe that was just us doing ourselves a favor. Used to be a rockstar, apparently. We suggest reverting to that.

🇱🇹 Lithuania: Monika Liu – Sentimentai

Monika is a classy lady with the best dress of the competition and an even more classy performance. We want to like her. But the song is, unfortunately, a little too meh in the end.

🇦🇿 Azerbaijan: Nadir Rustamli – Fade To Black

Yeah, that’s a nice song. Also, Azerbaijan is as close as we get to Russia participating in this year’s very political competition. Next, please!

🇧🇪 Belgium: Jérémie Makiese – Miss You

Every final needs a funky man in a silver leather jacket, and we heartfully thank Belgium for being up to that task. This is one of the songs we suspect we would have loved by now had we been in Torino following the rehearsals. But we’re not. And neither are most of the viewers and voters.

🇬🇷 Greece: Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord – Die Together

Make no mistake. There’s another Norwegian here, and one we are very proud of, according to 1,7 million news articles during the last couple of days. That’s ok, we can do our civic duty and vote for Amanda. But really, when you’re that young and pretty and skinny, how about wearing something else than your Greek grandmother’s shower curtain?

🇮🇸 Iceland: Systur – Með Hækkandi Sól

Here’s a thing we love: Iceland as a concept. Here’s another thing we love: The opportunity to pee after a gazillion glasses of Cremant. Áfram Ísland!

🇲🇩 Moldova: Zdob şi Zdub & Advahov Brothers – Trenulețul

Moldova is for sure among our favorite countries in Eurovision, mostly due to our continuous, vodkafilled encounters with Sun Stroke Project. But this happy bunch isn’t exactly hurting our bilateral relations either. We believe Chișinău must be chuck full of fun men who know how to party and play their instruments like it was the last day of their lives. This country is low budget, high effort, and we wouldn’t mind one bit going there next year. Surely, if there ever is a surprise winner in Eurovision, it could be Zdob şi Zdub etc etc this year. Mulţumesc!

🇸🇪 Sweden: Cornelia Jakobs – Hold Me Closer

One sure sign of the Eurovision final approaching: Everyone saying Sweden will win. This year, we’re not so annoyed by that, as a Cornelia seems like a fine lady and her tune is a fine little thing.

🇦🇺 Australia: Sheldon Riley – Not The Same

We were starting to get used to Australia in this contest. And quite liking it too, as they have showcased some decent entries the last couple of years. It would be nice if they didn’t ruin it all with a man from behind the iron curtain. Where’s the lady on a stick? Where is the funky man with the hat? And where are the kangaroos?

🇬🇧 United Kingdom: Sam Ryder – SPACE MAN

UK showing up with a great song and a great artist is so rare we had to check if he was French. But no. We love Sam. And we wouldn’t mind him winning one bit. Can’t wait for the fight over which of the 1500 cities in England gets to host this next year, either. Maybe we’ll all end up going to Blackpool?

🇵🇱 Poland: Ochman – River

Now, there’s a snooze fest tailor-made to the 6,7 million sensitive men flocking around this competition. Knowing those guys pretty well by now, we know they have better taste.

🇷🇸 Serbia: Konstrakta – In Corpore Sano

We get it. Serbia wants to do art. We’re all for that. But when you make your PR pro-Russian, it sort of gets in the way. There’s a whole lot more than hand-cleaning needed here. So we’ll pass.

🇪🇪 Estonia: Stefan – Hope

The line-up ends with our favorite cowboy riding into the sunset. But make no mistake, there is nothing tacky about Stefan. He is a solid artist doing his best at summoning Johnny Cash, and also has a stellar tune. We approve. Also, he is smoking hot. Maybe his stylist forced him to wear that hideous outfit just to tone it down a little?