OMAGA. We are full of love, but this must be one of the worst semi finals in Eurovisional history. We kinda hope our friends who don’t like Eurovision, weren’t watching, as it felt a little embarrassing and would fuel their not so welcomed Eurovision hate. At one point we thought it would be best if no one qualified from this semi, but then Switzerland came on and we got a little softer. Anyways, we are currently drafting a proposal to the EBU to give voters the opportunity to award minus points next year.
San Marino opened the game, and finally Flo Rida joined Senhit onstage. It was a hot mess, but still fun and bouncy. Uku from Estonia gave us the latest weather report.
Benny Cristo from Czech Republic showcased the best outfit of the evening, as predicted, but sadly didn’t change his song and it started to grate us the wrong way after the 876th Omaga. Luckily those were the last ones. We suggest he spends his last days in Rotterdam giving fashion advice to the UK delegation.
We would totally cast Greece for the rural Greek version of Sex and the City, but we cannot understand how she made it to the final in this competition with such a cheap green screen. Bring back Greek Gods with bouzoukis, trampolines, treadmills and Nokia 3310 sounds, please!
Vincent the not so Bueno from Austria luckily checked out of the stage in this final, and with that, we are done with those amens for gay men, bless them. Also done with Poland‘s Rafał, who did his best to adjust our views of Warsaw after watching the Netflix-show Sexify, thinking everyone were super cool over there. Well, clearly not everyone is. Bring back Marcin Mroziński/Martin Fitch/whatever his name is these days!
Moldova’s Natalia Gordienko did her best to stay in tune in front of a Windows 95 screensaver, and we would have loved this song so much more with a better staging, but we suppose there weren’t any funding left after Kirkorov spent it all on customized LV face masks. Iceland came on with a live on tape recording, and we giggled a little thinking back on how completely ridiculous we found EBU’s idea of allowing Julia Samoylova to perform remotely back in 2017. If we had known what we had coming…
We’ve been wondering where Las Ketchup went after carving out our eardrums with giant worms at the beginning of this century. Now we know: They were injected with vast amounts of unsustainable material and got a job as the escorts of some Russian oligarch. We wonder how much he paid for them to represent Serbia in the final.
NRK’s fabulous TV presenter Marte Stokstad told us Georgia‘s Tornike Kipiani doesn’t like Eurovision. Now, we are people to admit our mistakes, so it’s time for us to issue an official apology:
We, the jury of GEEs infamous hotlist, hereby sincerely apologize that we put Tornike Kipiani on our hotlist for 2021. The jury rules state that artists not liking Eurovision shall be considered for an instant disqualification, and this would have happened to Tornike had we known. We will consider an appropriate penalty for Georgia for next year and get back to you.Astrid, Guri and Desirée
Albania‘s Anxhela Peristeri did a great performance, and that was about time after everything this semi final put us through. The dapper blokes of Portugal came on. It’s quite an accomplishment to be a small bloke from the outskirts of Lisbon and sound exactly like Anastasia. The karaoke bars of Cais do Sodré must be so proud!
Then there was a break for another chat with a Swedish celebrity, this time Helena Paparizou. We figure they must be upping the level for the final, so we expect no less than Björn Ulvaeus and Alexander Skarsgård.
Finland did their best at being Linkin Park, and succeeded quite nicely. The Latvian woman did her best at being the queen of f*cking everything and failed spectacularly.
Switzerland also did good. We salute the producers for not putting Gjón’s Tears in front of a grand piano, but we struggle to understand the meaning of Stonehenge. And then Denmark finished the show, and just as we were starting to like them, we had to wave them goodbye. We feel exactly like the lead singer:
Then for a lot of things that need to happen while the Swedes count the votes. Like presenting UK and Spain. We’re seriously starting to fear that Spain won’t be able to escape that bomb hoovering behind Blas Canto in the final. The French Barbara Pravi also came on. We cannot believe how many times she gets to say “Voilà” without pulling a rabbit out of her hat.
And then this happened:
We mean, hello Dutch Adonis? This is a man who surely knows how to work his skirt and we cannot even begin to mention what else he should be working. We can’t even read our notes from this, for some reason, it got all blurred after the drool we had to wipe off.
Things were also heating up in the green room/hotel room. Iceland waved a flag we hadn’t seen before. It looked like the Moldovan flag only with pink instead of red, so we wondered if it was a flag for Philip Kirkorov at first. But then we realized it was the pansexual flag. We figure the EBU didn’t have the time to prohibit that flag yet. Now awaiting their reactions against Iceland this year after complaints from Vladimir Putin. Kirkorov gave the highest note ever to be delivered in green room when Moldova qualified. And with that, we went completely deaf and missed the whole press conference. Note to self: Remember to thank Kirkorov later.
That’s it for the semi finals! Let’s see if we manage to get through the final before everyone gets infected with the corona virus.