Crap, we almost forgot there are six more countries in Eurovision. Luckily they paid a little extra to make sure they didn’t miss out on the fun. Here’s our reviews of the big 4. Plus UK. Oh, and The Hosting Netherlands.
France: Barbara Pravi – “Voilà”
Take one petite, brown-eyed chanteuse, with dark curly hair and porcelain complexion, add a divine voice, a generous doze of pathos and passion and insert it all in a zestful, grand performance, and Voilà, you’ll have the Frenchest, French Eurovision entry in history. This is the entry you get when all the stars align, this is like hitting the bull’s eye, strike, bingo and jackpot all at the same time. Paris 2022? Oui merci.
Germany: Jendrik – “I Don’t Feel Hate”
The less that’s said about this one the better. We need a word with that someone who gave Jendrik’s sister that ukulele for her birthday. And the German selection panel composed of industry experts and the general public, for the same reason. AND BRING BACK BEN DOLIC, FOR GOD’S SAKE!
Italy: Måneskin – «Zitti E Buoni”
We remember dropping by Italy’s RAi 1 just as Italy’s glorious, yet sort of long-lasting and incomprehensible final of San Remo was coming towards an end. It was the usual madness. The host was showing off his newly acquired fake tan and teeth from the same porcelain maker as Silvio Belusconi. Some random celebrity was stuttering away in the worst Italian accent just to earn some money. This time it was even Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who looked like he took a wrong turn at San Siro, but guess even Italy couldn’t escape some Swedish influence in Eurovision.
Never mind. We noted that old anemic Francesca Michelin didn’t win, thank God, and that saint Ermal Meta could do with some song-writing help. And then Måneskin hit us. From the first riff we couldn’t actually believe this was happening. This is beyond our expectations, even for Italy. Måneskin seems like an incredible group of talented eccentrics, unlike so many others, they perform like they’re in front of…you know, 200 million people and their song is good and catchy enough to reach a broader audience.
We’re often tempted to point our fingers and ask the other countries to just do like Italy and give a damn about this competition. We know we say this every time, but surely, we must get it right eventually: Rome 2022!
Spain: Blas Cantó – “Voy A Quedarme”
Here’s a couple of rules one shall not break: 1. Never try to be Marco Mengoni. 2. Especiall never try to be Marco Mengoni if you sing in Spanish. 3. If you still want to make an attempt at being Marco Mengoni: please see rule 1.
The Netherlands: Jeangu Macrooy – Birth Of A New Age
Birth of a New Age is the perfect entry on home turf for The Netherlands. It represents the country’s diversity on genuine, non-speculative terms and will make the Dutch shine come Saturday evening. Some might mistake this for the interval act and forget to vote, but we don’t think the hosts would mind one bit. They are not particularly keen on hosting the competition again in another 40 years or so after what has happened lately. Similar Eurovision entries like this one has scored exceptionally well (see France, 1990, 1991 and 1992) and not so well (see Norway 2011). One might say that it all boils down to the quality of the song, all tough we do not think this to be entirely true, as there was no public voting back in the 90s. We salute Jeangu Macrooy for introducing a new language in ESC, Sranan Tongo, which after all is a lot easier to sing along to than Dutch.
The United Kingdom: James Newman – “Embers”
We get it. UK’s had a rough year. On top of that pandemic, their Royal family has been cut in half due to age or Hollywood, they finally realized they’re out of the European community and left to themselves with a prime minister who resembles Eric Cartman and Oprah Winfrey is plotting to take over public broadcasting. Wouldn’t it be a good opportunity to show us there’s still some quality left in that piece of land to our left? Clearly not.