As the first run through of the first semi final is done and dusted it has started to dawn on us that there is an actual event going on in Rotterdam, with real people, physically present at the same place at the same time. After 14 months with not much human contact besides our immediate family members and occasionally running into our neighbours walking their dogs, we get exhausted just by thinking about it. But creds to the Dutch organizers and EBU for making it happen!
We should of course have secured accreditation to get access to the online press centre to keep you updated from behind the scenes to the best of our ability. But to be honest, when we’re not able to spend a sleep deprived week somewhere abroad, totter about in Euroclub, stalk Eurovision artists for drunken selfies and slam down vodka shots while pretending to be journalists just to have an excuse to get away from our real jobs, we just can’t be bothered, really.
But this ain’t stopping us from bamboozle you all with our (un)qualified opinions about the rehearsals! So here’s our impressions based on the snippets found on the official Eurovision channel on YouTube and gossip we picked up on the internet.
Lithuania: The Roop – Discoteque
Lithuania has gone for the “this is what it looks like if a carton of Cadbury Creme Eggs explodes” look and we kind of like it! We are desperately trying to learn the dance routine before next Tuesday and have already pulled our hamstrings. But we have cured our budding benign paroxysmal positional vertigo with those head shakes, so all in all we’re happy.
Slovenia: Ana Soklič – Amen
The Slovenian woman belts out her hallelujahs like there’s no tomorrow as expected. The backdrop shows a projection of the earth and what we can only imagine is the current status of the infection rate of a certain virus.
Russia: Manizha – Russian Woman
The Russian woman is dressed as a TOILET PAPER DOLL! This is all sorts of fabulous and we hope it wins. We are already checking out Airbnb’s in Moscow next May and have applied for the witness protection program to keep us safe afterwards.
Sweden: Tusse – Voices
The Swedes are doing their usual smug and competent routine and the prospect of ending up in Sweden AGAIN next year scares the bejesus out of us as this is a country we don’t find very tempting to ever set foot in again after what’s been going on there lately. Tusse has ripped off the sleeves of his jacket for some reason. Interesting sartorial choice.
Australia: Montaigne – Technicolour
Montaigne will be participating from her home office this year, and it goes without saying we can relate. At least she’s spared from the hassle of bringing all those kangaroos all the way to Rotterdam.
North Macedonia: Vasil – Here I Stand
Vasil has nicked Ulrikke’s backdrop and Dotter’s outfit from last year so he’s obviously taking a stand for recycling.
Ireland: Lesley Roy – MAPS
Ireland is yet again aiming for the last place in their semi final and we all remember it went ahead as planned in Tel Aviv. So far out of tune singing and a staging in shambles leaves us to believe they are right on track.
Cyprus: Elena Tsagrinou – El Diablo
After a streak of weak entries if feels more like we’ve gone from Eurovision heaven to hell, and Cyprus made a song about it! Elena is joined on stage by what looks like the Norwegian speed skating team who took the wrong turn when heading to Thialf-hal. We don’t think this one is strong enough to win, but if it does we can assure you we will live our best life spending a week in Ayia Napa next May.
Norway: TIX – Fallen Angel
There’s really no need to watch the rehearsal of this one. Just look up TIX’ performance in the MPG final on YouTube and you know what to expect.
Croatia: Albina – Tick-Tock
This one is shaping up to be a snooze fest and we only wish the Croatian at least could have had the sense to throw in a man in a hamster wheel to spice things up a bit. Clearly, they did not take notes when Ukraine tick-tocked on stage back in 2014.
Belgium: Hooverphonic – The Wrong Place
Speaking of snooze fest… We wondered if Geike would show up in her Johnny Cash T-shirt which would have been perhaps too obvious, but she opted for an LBD which we must admit looks pretty classy. In Belgium black is the new black. Duly noted.
Israel: Eden Alene – Set Me Free
Yay, dress reveal alert! Eden Alene and her dancers looks good in their black and white outfits and that squeaky high note is delivered flawlessly. Or whatever, how should we know, we’re just saying that to appear competent. Someone should have a word with the stylist though, perhaps it’s just us, but doesn’t that second dress look like it’s made of Eden Alene’s…. braids?
Romania: ROXEN – Amnesia
The Romanian delegation seems to have forgotten to pack their stage outfits or perhaps it’s just KLM messing up by sending their luggage to Bermuda.
Azerbaijan: Efendi – Mata Hari
We are a tiny tad disappointed that Efendi is not showing up on stage in a trench coat and a newspaper with cut-outs for her to see through like a proper spy. Otherwise this look and sound like a fabulous ethno-pop banger and we thank the Eurovision wizards of Azerbaijan for providing us with our annual fix.
Ukraine: Go_A – Shum
Holy hell, what just hit us? Hail the Ukrainians for bringing us to life with their completely and utterly incomprehensible shouting. We already picture ourselves slamming down vodka shots in the shady corners of Euroclub in Kyiv next year. Shum, goddamit!
Malta: Destiny – Je Me Casse
We’re not quite sure what Malta is aiming for here, but to us it looks a bit like a breast cancer awareness campaign spinning out of control. We’ve never been fans of this song and have struggled to understand why it has soared on top of the betting lists. After yesterday’s rehearsal we assume it will continue to plummet.
