So, the MGP grand final is finally ON. Surreally, all our favorite Icelanders and gay friends are gathered in the city of Trondheim to see who wins the Norwegian final after what has seemed like an endless run of semi finals in a bunker in Fornebu. And where are yours truly situated for this grand extravaganza? At home with our mothers. Bad call. But at least there’s plenty of Romanian feteasca neagra and some pretty patient mothers involved.
Here’s what we expect to be seeing:
Our humble opinion: Akuvi is the sassy sister of last year’s sassy gold finalist Anna-Lisa Kumoji, and it seems like they have started a nice family tradition. “Som du er” is among the acts directly qualified for the final, and we must admit we struggle to understand why. But we suppose there are certain quotas to be filled, and we do appreciate at least one song in Norwegian with the epic, groundbreaking phrases like “ugler i mosen og skitt opp i posen”, which quite literally means owls in the moss and crap in a bag. Please do not ask us to explain, just go with it, ok?
Winning potential: Not the slightest. Although we do suspect that quite a few tweens who have the ability to figure out how voting on the internet actually works will support this one.
Our humble opinion: Fun fact: The last time we met Emil Solli-Tangen, it was because he was banging on our hotel room door at the Oslo Plaza. We were having some sort of karaoke together with the Schlager boys and right at that moment we were screaming our lungs out to Ketil Stokkan’s Brandenburger Tor. We feared he was there to complain, but instead he begged to join. Safe to say, he has been our favorite Norwegian since then, and his big brother is not too bad either. Great to see them, but sadly not so great to hear them. Better luck next time and you are always welcome to karaoke, hon!
Winning potential: Maybe, if the +60 women of Norway get to decide. And they are pretty fierce with their iPhones these days.
Our humble opinion: Just like half of our GEE heritage, Kristin is from the glorious part of the world called Trøndelag, where also this evening’s MGP final is held. She lists Stevie Wonder and Ella Fitzgerald as her inspiration, but even though her voice shows great potential, she should do a closer study of those and tune up the soul factor a notch before entering again. Also, what’s wrong in looking to all the greatest artists in Norway’s musical history that with almost no exception originated from the very same region?
Winning potential: Maybe if Kristin changes her outfit, as her older brother’s pinstripe suit did not do her any favors in the semi final. Could also work if Trøndelag gets to decide, but then again, that hasn’t happened in Norway since the year of 1030, and even then, it was the northern part of the region that did the job.
Our humble opinion: There’s something about showing up in the Eurovision circus with the message of being gay and being yourself while at the same time insisting really hard on being heterosexual in your bio. It certainly brings out the Krista Siegfrids traumas in us, where a blonde woman in a wedding dress keep following us, insisting we should marry her when we all know she’s engaged to a Finnish hunk back home. Then again, Liza Vassilieva is Russian and this behavior of hers might be the way of the Russian propaganda. It has worked just fine for several of Putin’s men.
Winning potential: Always fun to piss off the Russians, but this gives us more severe headaches than 13 shots of Stolichnaya, so for once we hope Putin payed somebody to bury it. Don’t tell Mike Pompeo.
Our humble opinion: So this song is written by Joakim With Steen aka Jowst and His Majesty King Alexander Rybak. Also, it sounds very much like our long lost Maltese love, Firelight. Hence, the fact that the result of all of this is such a blunt, dull, oblivious song is completely INCOMPREHENSIBLE to us. Maybe it is the lack of a dapper bloke on double bass or Appalachian mountain dulcimers. Maybe there is the problem of our image not being on the back drop. Quite possibly it is because they forgot to put the river dance filter on. And almost certainly there is the fact that instead of Richard Micallef, there is a bloke with zero charisma and a voice resembling a weather reporter in the 70s.
Winning potential: If Magnus wins, Alexander Lukashenko must have paid somebody a severe sum of money. And we’ll be the first ones to bring in Mike Pompeo.
Our humble opinion: We happened to be at the bowling alley in Bryne right after Raylee won her semi final, and they managed to play her song three times before we managed to knock down all the pins. Quite the accomplishment in the town that also fostered Ovi Jacobsen, Kaizer’s Orchestra and Erling Braut Håland. There’s something refreshingly unpretentious about Raylee, and we love the fact that she can show up straight outta Arendal with her boyfriend Glenn Rune and sing about the lion from Zion. Maybe that’s what happens when you grow up next to Dyreparken in Kristiansand. Still, we have to admit her song is absolutely rubbish. Hence the lack of bowling skills.
Winning potential: According to the groundbreaking newspaper from Arendal, Agderposten, she has a 110 PER CENT chance of NAILING this. We think they would better off aiming their predictions at the neighbour town of Grimstad, but we get that the travel budgets are small for journalists these days.
Our humble opinion: Let’s face it, Rein Alexander was put on this earth to do Eurovision and we suspect he has been waiting for years for the perfect song to compete with. This year we’d say he came very close so it’s a shame really that he most likely will end up getting snubbed just before the finish line. “One more time” has everything you’d wish for in a Eurovision entry and then some, and Rein Alexander’s presence, voice and personality brings it to life. Everything about this is of course complete and utter nonsense, and if it ends up being sent to Rotterdam it will be slashed to pieces by the juries, just like Keiino last year. But the public will eat out of Rein Alexander’s burning palm. We predict it will the public vote, if it gets that far.
Winning potential: Oh, yes indeed. This dramatic EDM stomper appeals to everyone and Rein Alexander is the sort of bloke you instantly want to get behind and support. Brace for attacking Vikings from the north, Europe!
Our huble opinion: Sondrey is sandwiched between Tone and Ulrikke in the running order tonight, so at least we have made a note of this and know when to swing by the kitchen to top up our crisps bowls and open another bottle of chardonnay. We did the same when he performed in the first semi-final as well so to be perfectly honest we haven’t listened to this before and we couldn’t say anything remotely sensible about it even if our lives depended on it. Sondrey is a nice and likable bloke tough so we wish him the best.
Winning potential: We keep forgetting he’s there. So unless Gulbrandsdalen’s population all of a sudden grow substantially, we have a hard time figuring out who will vote for this forgettable little ditty.
Our humble opinion: Tone Damli usually shows up in Norwegian media for three reasons: 1. She talks about the one time she met David Beckham for the gazillionth time. 2. She has wore an outfit to some celebrity event. Or 3. There’s a new development in the neverending story of the building of historical value that she and her husband tore down without permit in order to build another, which the municipality didn’t look very kindly upon and now 1, 2, 3…17 years of her life passed in limbo because she cannot build her dream house in Oslo’s most expensive area, poor thing.
Have to say we haven’t been the greatest of fans. But then SHE WORE AN OUTFIT to an MGP semi final and then it was probably the GREATEST OUTFIT the Eurovision world has ever seen. Lucky for her, we are most shallow and we now love her a little.
Winning potential: She already won with the TV on mute. But guess this is a music competition. Or not.
Our humble opinion: Ulrikke is the red-hot favorite to win the whole shebang this year and we get why. Ulrikke herself is a total sweetheart who loves Eurovision and she’s so super-psyched just by being in the MGP final we fear she will end up overdoing it and spoil everything. However, judging by her performance in the semi-final she will do just fine. This number is already fine-tuned and Eurovision ready, complete with a fab diva frock, sophisticated, stripped down choreography and the quintessential fire-curtain towards the end. Yes, we’ve seen and heard it all before, but it just works. Ulrikke is a pro with a big voice and she has a quality song, penned by Ulrikke herself, former boyband superstar, turned into stellar songwriter Christian Ingebrigten and Kjetil Mørland, which carries on Rolf Løvland’s legacy and eventually will probably end up with a Eurovision win himself, either as a performer or as a composer.
Winning potential: Does the Pope shit in the woods? We’d go with a yes on this one.