Eurovision 2019 – awards of the season

All right, so we’re beginning to cope with our Post Eurovision Depression Syndrome and come to terms with the fact that this Eurovision season definitely is over. When all the voting disasters have come to an end, that is. A lot of great things happened that hasn’t been awarded enough. So what better than to end this season with a few awards from the GEE jury? Here goes.

The Icelandic band Hatari plans on suing the Ukrainian broadcaster UA:PBC for the missed opportunity of interacting with this chick in Israel…we mean Palestina

Artist with most integrity – Maruv from Ukraine. Someone has got to draw the line somewhere, and Maruv drew it at being denied artistic freedom and the freedom of speech. We can only think of so many artists that could learn from this. And then we can try not to think about how Maruv would have beaten the daylight out of that Boring Dutchman if she didn’t pull out of the competition. Which would have sent us to a cheap destination for 2020. Blimey.

Best male vocalist of the yearFred Buljo from Norway. After centuries of trying to make Norwegians comprehend or even appreciate anything that insofar as resembles joik, one guy enters the stage in Tel Aviv dressed in a leather kofte and makes 200 million people joik along with him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Don’t know how he did it, but we know the kids at the sami kindergarten in Oslo must be the luckiest kids in the world to be hanging around with that guy every day. Fred surely is our epic joik guy. Now and forever.

Step away, Duchess of Cambridge. There is only one Queen Kate.

Best female vocalist of the yearKate Miller-Heidke from Australia. Not only can she sing Celine Dion’s socks off while swinging around on a pole high up in the air. She also started to laugh when her hair got stuck during her jury rehearsal. And she celebrated the opening of ramadan in a mosque near the West-Bank. And she has made a song called “Are you fucking kidding me” about an a-hole adding her on Facebook. Could you be any cooler?

Coolest guys in the backIceland‘s Hatari. While an Israeli with at least a couple of diagnosis kept running around in the green room photobombing artists with a ginormous Israeli flag at every chance he got, Hatari slowly pulled a few banners with the Palestinian flag once given the chance. And it’s not like they quit their work there, as they also made a fantastic music video together with a Palestinian artist in Gaza. Booking our tickets for Reykjavik and searching for BDSM clubs there right this very minute.

Biggest DramaqueenBelarusian composer Viktor Drobysh, claiming that the EBU inflicted enormous damage in the relations between Russia and Belarus when a mistake didn’t award Russia 12 points from their neighbour jury members. Don’t know about him, but we can think of a few others than sir Jon Ola Sand influencing those very same relations in a somewhat more pressing manner. One starts with a P and ends with an UTIN.

Most whiny artist of the yearSergey from Russia, making a big fuss about the Georgian jury not awarding him enough points. If we were to blame foreign relations, we could recommend a few moves that could fix that situation. Like handing Georgia back what’s theirs. And we are not talking jury votes here.

Let me play you just one more song!

Nicest artist of the year: Victor Crone from Estonia. After the other artists had spent their minutes in the lime light, aka the press conference, complaining about too much air condition, too boring questions, non-functioning in-ear monitor and bad lightning, Victor had the entire press applaud the team of volunteers that worked so hard making Eurovision happen. Later that evening he gave two hard working, stalkish journalists from Norway all of his beer. Now, who made his PR strategy and how do we invite Victor for our next party?

Most memorable onstage moment: When France‘s dancer Lizzy entered the stage for the first time. And every single time after that. What a woman! What a fantastic attitude! What a role model!

Most memorable offstage moment: When Sunstroke Project from Moldova anno 2010 and 2017 entered the stage in Euro Club. They truly are amazing artists, even when they are reduced to Epic Sax Guy and Epic Sergei, and we have our fingers continuously crossed for their return to Eurovision.

Most drunk while being filmed by their idol who most definitely would put it on his Instagram award. This one goes to us from us. No further comment:

Most embarrassing mistake: When the hosts of the press conference after semi final 1 played Austria‘s song as Australia drew her second or first half. May we suggest someone who’s slightly less dyslectic and very much less tone-deaf for next time?

Most delightful, charming, saucy, funny as hell Euroclub host in like forever award goes to Lihi Griner for keeping us entertained for 7 days straight. After a couple of years with a rather… interesting concept at Euroclub, the Israelis really raised the bar and showed us how to party. We felt a connection with Lihi, she’s almost as funny as the two middle aged Norwegian women wobbling around Tel Aviv last week. 

Can someone just please hire her as Euroclub host on a permanent basis?  

Most honest, spontaneous reactions in the Grand Final: the crowd in the arena when Germany received zero points, and John Lundvik when he realized that he would not win Eurovision after all. The price for this year’s tickets was rather hefty to say the least, but in the end it’s all worth it because moments like these are priceless.

The award for the biggest misconception of how the voting system works goes as usual to the UK. No, juries and people in general across Europe do not vote against you. They just can’t be bothered voting for a mediocre song.

The honorary support award from the International Federation of Dyscalculia, post Eurovision goes to the EBU. Dear Sir Jon Ola, you better get your act together or we get the feeling that we won’t meet again in The Netherlands next year!

Sir Jon Ola when he realized that Sweden beat Norway after all. 

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