Our Verdict: Jury Final 2019

– We’re already three people here. The last thing we need is a camera man joining us (Photo by: Andres Putting)

The Grand Final is shaping up to be real corker of a show, chuck full of favorites in the first half, and come to think of it, the second half as well. Moreover, the national broadcaster here has been considerate enough to add a number of technical glitches and f*ck-ups which of course adds to the excitement.

Tonight is a big night where the jury will cast their votes, Italy will most likely once again do something to ruin their chances of winning, and we are of course in the Press Center to report about it. Buckle up!

When we started watching, it appeared as though the artists had way too much hummus while here. Then we noticed Leonardo DiCaprio’s former neighbourhood Bar also looked a little chubby and realized it was the projection in the Press Center that was in the wrong format. Anyways, this is our verdict of the performances.

1 Malta, Michela, Chameleon

Malta’s yalla-yalla-yalla should really team up with Norway’s He-lo e loi-la Čajet dan čuovgga and Azerbaijan’s Oooooo. They would make the perfect trio and their mash-up gay hands in the air disco version will be epic at Euroclub.

Our verdict: Michela was on point vocally and the oomph was there. Two proud Norwegian mums in the Press Center!

2 Albania, Jonida Maliqi, Ktheju tokës

Albania: anyone got a light?

Lucifer: got you fam.

We didn’t expect to see this again and we suspect the Albanians were equally surprised themselves as their journalist had already gone home and there were no one to ask Jonida a question in the press conference yesterday. We should have asked her a question for Namdalsavisa.

Our verdict: This lady never misses a note. We are starting to think she is a robot from the planet of Saturn.

3 Czech Republic, Lake Malawi, Friend of a Friend

Czech Republic has placed picture frames on stage, which is very social media friendly of them. Only wish they had inserted a few dishy guys inside. Their own Head of Press, for instance. If they really wanted to sound like British common people, they should have just asked UK’s Michael for advise.

Our verdict: We were hoping the lead singer would take a wrong turn and jump off the stage, but he managed to stay on it this time as well. Only one more chance left tomorrow!

4 Germany, S!sters, Sister

After the rather unfortunate mishap last year, Germany is back in the race for the last place and S!sters are shaping up to be a strong contender. Praise be, we only get to hear this one once.

Our verdict: The sisters did hit a couple notes right. And that’s it. Someone in the press center said “ohmyGod”. We don’t think they meant that in a good way.

5 Russia, Sergey Lazarev, Scream

Sergey desperately screams for ice cream, clearly he has not noticed that Ireland has gone home.  

Our verdict: We really want Sergey to do well, but there were a few minor hiccups in the beginning. Then he got a lot more power. Must be hard not to get sick when you shower with your clothes on all the time.

While Sergey was stuck in the closet, Norway made some new friends. (Photo by: NRK).

6 Denmark, Leonora, Love Is Forever

Denmark promises love is forever. But, SPOILER ALERT, in a while Sweden will tell us that it’s too late for love. Let’s hope those two never meet on Tinder.

Our verdict: Sweet, competent and a tiny tad smug. Business as usual in Denmark, in other words.

7 San Marino, Serhat, Say Na Na Na

We’re still sulking over Hungary so much we shouldn’t even tell you how we feel about this Serhat show of male testosterone past its expiry date.

Our verdict: Serhat looked a bit nervous and didn’t exactly do his best singing. The folks in the Press Center were covering their ears during this one, but that might also be due to the Wiwiboys’ avid display of emotion.

8 North Macedonia, Tamara Todevska, Proud

The #metoo campaign reached Skopje just in time to bring the Macedonians back in the Grand Final.

Our verdict: If this was an audition for #metoo the musical, she would definitely get the part.

9 Sweden, John Lundvik, Too Late For Love

The holy tabernacle choir of Växsjö strikes again.

Our verdict: The performance was great, but maybe John can borrow some charisma from Joci now that he doesn’t need it anymore. If this however was a competition of having the backing singers we most would like to hang out in bars with, Sweden would win hands down.

10 Slovenia, Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl, Sebi

The Slovenian charm bombs are still here, which must be quite awful for them. We feel them. It’s when artists sing boring songs like this we just want to go home too.

Our verdict: Wasn’t perfect in the beginning, and as she kept poking at her in-ear monitor. We suspect they will blame the technicians. Just like they have been blaming air condition/boring questions/enter what fits.

Eurovision; Avatar edition. Photo by: Andres Putting

11 Cyprus, Tamta, Replay

Madonna just knocked on Tamta’s door. Turned out she wanted her botox kit back. And her wig.

Our verdict: Swallowed a few words in the beginning. The Wiwiboys probably noticed, as they knew the lyrics by heart before Tamta even had a chance to learn it herself. Should be ok tough, as we all know how close they are with the juries.

12 Netherlands, Duncan Laurence, Arcade

On the betting lists The Netherlands now has a 1000 % chance of winning. We are currently bombarding all Dutch people on our Facebook friendslists with messages trying to score a free sofa to crash on for a fortnight in May 2020.

Our verdict: Sorry Netherlands, but this leaves us rather cold. And it’s not just because of the air-con in the Press Center. Flawless performance tough.

Serenading a lamp from IKEA. Great. (Photo by: Andres Putting)

13 Greece, Katerine Duska, Better Love

This Canadian chick robbed us from our annual fix of hunky men singing ethnic-turbo-ska-folk-punk-rock in incomprehensible Greek while banging on bouzoukis. We secretly hate her.

Our verdict: Katerine is swimming around in deep water. Visually compelling, but vocally it’s all over the place.  

14 Israel, Kobi Marimi, Home

We think we might have outstayed our welcome here in Israel as Kobi is bellowing on about going home. As we’re only half way through the final we would like to stay a little longer, but we’ll make sure not to miss our flight that departs earlier than when we usually go to bed on Sunday morning. If we get past immigration, that is.

Our verdict: Deer caught in the headlights alert! Kobi looks so nervous we think he might also hide a Palestine scarf in his pocket.

15 Norway, KEiiNO, Spirit in the Sky

Norwegians have been saying “this is not proper joik” since long before they heard Keiino’s entry. Enter Fred in his leather gákti, setting that record straight once and for all.

Our verdict: Rock solid from Keiino as always. Equally ridiculously incompetent by the producers as a cameraman was visible in one shot of Alexandra. Makes us wonder why bother spending two weeks rehearsing.

16 United Kingdom, Michael Rise, Bigger Than Us

We called Michael Rice the other day to ask for an interview, but we couldn’t understand a single word of what he was saying so we just hung up.

Our verdict: We were so worked up about the astray cameraman during Norway’s performance we didn’t pay much attention to the charming chap from Hartlepool. But it sounded great!

17 Iceland, Hatari, Hatrið mun sigra

Our mums saw this performance in the semi final and called straight away, asking what kind of people we surround ourselves with in Tel Aviv. We answered something political about Palestine and keeping Sir Jon Ola on a leash, so luckily they approved

Our verdict: Hatari hasn’t always had the best rehearsals, and especially Klemens has been off a few times. But this time everything was perfect, and the jury should be counting their many votes. If they are not hiding shit scared behind the sofa, that is.

– WTF? I only scored 10 points on Good Evening Europe’s hotlist? (Photo by: Andres Putting)

18 Estonia, Victor Crone, Storm

It seems like neither the fans, nor the experts, nor the betting companies, nor Sir Jon Ola, nor Victor himself has the faintest idea of why he went to the final. Maybe it was due to the note he stuffed into a wall right before he went into the souks of Jerusalem to buy that Palestine scarf he hides in his right pocket. He haggled and got three for the price of one.

Our verdict: Victor was close to pitch perfect which is nothing more than a massive improvement from Tuesday. Guess those long hours drinking in Euroclub finally paid off. He forgot his pocket scarf which looked kinda daft when hologram Victor had it.

19 Belarus, ZENA, Like It

This is the entry that reassures us that we at least have a tiny tread of integrity left. We still hate it.  

Our verdict: Eastern Bloc Britney strikes again!

20 Azerbaijan, Chingiz, Truth

Azerbaijan’s robots give Chingiz a heart which is pretty cool. We suggest handing this equipment over to the Azeri President after the competition.

Our verdict: Chingiz vocals are so on point we start thinking he’s only miming while the robots on stage are doing the singing while he just stands there flexing his muscles.

21 France, Bilal, Roi

France is epic for screwing up their good entries with bad staging (hello, Amir). But this time they are doing the exact opposite. Bilal is almost outshined by his dancers. Then again. He is the king.

Our verdict: Goosebump moment of the evening! Can’t believe France brought such a brilliant staging. Italy, take notes.  

– Hallelujah, King Amir touched down in Tel Aviv today! (Photo by: Thomas Hanses)

22 Italy, Mahmoud, Soldi

Our friend Anders told us he met Mahmood in a Speedo on the beach in our neighbourhood. We do not dare to leave that spot on other times than when we are completely sure Mahmood is onstage.

Our verdict: Yes! Once in a blue moon Italy can get through the jury final without messing up. This was a strong performance, we were getting jittering winning vibes.

23 Serbia, Nevena Božović, Kruna

There’s breast beating, air grabbing and an air guitar solo. Bring out your Balkan Ballad drinking bingo cards!  

Our verdict: This bingo card is quickly filling up. Flawless performance, check!

24 Switzerland, Luca Hänni, She Got Me

Luca seems to be feeding off the audience’s energy as his live performance in the semi went down a storm compared to his rehearsals. We know the feeling, we’re also always at our best with a big crowd around us at Euroclub.

Our verdict: Good Evening Europe: OMG, Switzerland is going to win! Jury: hold my beer.  

25 Australia, Kate Miller-Heidke, Zero Gravity

Who knew the Aussies could be so brilliant even without a kangaroo on stage?

Our verdict: Caused lots of giggles in the Press Center as a lock of Kate’s hair was stuck in her Statue of Liberty tiara for most part of the performance. Guess she needs to go shopping for a heavy gravity hair spray tomorrow. Some of the magic from the semi has gone.

26 Spain, Miki, La Venda

Miki closes the show with an aerobics class which is the last thing we need now. We would have preferred a tray of vodka shots and a couple of tranquilizers.

Our verdict: The fanboys think this will win. Only proves how utterly clueless you risk becoming inside the Eurovision bubble.

In the end the interval act came on and blew everyone’s socks off. And no, Madonna was not involved whatsoever. Have fun watching tomorrow!

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