So we just finished one semi final and then it turns out there’s another one? This Eurovision thing truly is the gift that keeps on giving. As usual the jury final later tonight interrupts our party schedule so we watched the first dress rehearsal of the second final and this is our verdict.
1 Armenia, Srbuk, Walking Out
We were running a little late today so Armenia was already done singing when we arrived. Suppose we should have taken that “walking out” threath a bit more seriously.
2 Ireland, Sarah McTernan, 22
The Irish lass did her best, which turned out to better than we ever dared hope for. Good to know if we ever want to open up an ice cream parlor in Dublin. Perhaps she is singing about the result she hopes to achieve in the Grand Final?
3 Moldova, Anna Odobescu, Stay
It seems like Eurovision in Moldova gives all the women there the perfect opportunity to throw on a wedding dress. Ana belted out her drivel like there’s no tomorrow, and probably there isn’t for this entry. On the backdrop they’re constantly trying to sort out all the salt we need for tonight’s load of Margaritas.
4 Switzerland, Luca Hänni, She Got Me
Ever wondered how the dirty version of the Handmaids look like, wonder no more. Luca did some great singing, but unfortunately he has as much charisma as Azerbaijan’s robots.
5 Latvia, Carousel, That Night
When Latvia came on stage, the production team decided to cut them off and have a talk with an empty sofa instead. Pretty much sums it up. The lyrics consist of one sentence which is being repeated for three minutes. At least it makes it a little easier to remember for those of us with budding Alzheimers.
6 Romania, Ester Peony, On a Sunday
Ester Peony shows us the gate into Vlad Tepes’ palace. Probably a great tip for Hatari, should they ever feel like visiting Romania.
7 Denmark, Leonora, Love Is Forever
As both of us have our homes chuck full of Danish designer chairs we wonder if the chair on stage is the prototype of the next design icon and where can we pre-order it.
8 Sweden, John Lundvik, Too Late For Love
We were seriously disappointed when someone else other than Victor showed up for Sweden. Here we were, thinking we could get one Swede for the price of two, but instead we had to suffer through that winy bloke from Växsjö all over again.
9 Austria, PÆNDA, Limits
Looks like Thanos somehow got his spaceship in here and is trying to beam up the Austrian Marge Simpson away with him. He’s welcome, as Tony Stark would say.
10 Croatia, Roko, The Dream
Roko rises from hell and ends up in heaven. Goes without saying this is completely the opposite of how our annual Eurovision week tends to develop.
11 Malta, Michela, Chameleon
Someone did their best singing so far, we hope it was Michela. She sings «Gimme water, I’m a swimmer. Give me fire, I’m a fighter». Did EBU remember to send this through their politics scanner?
12 Lithuania, Jurij Veklenko, Run With The Lions
The national budget in Lithuania must be tight, as they have absolutely no props onstage and the artist shows up in a black t-shirt made by child workers for H&M. Warning, spoiler alert! Super dissapointed there’s no lion on stage.
13 Russia, Sergey Lazarev, Scream
The production team ran the introduction for Norway when Russia was about to sing. Maybe they got a little confused from our meddling with Kirkorov yesterday? Sergey Lazarev comes out of the closet while singing «not so silent and innocent». Brilliant performance. Only wish he could sing a different song. Maybe Disco Partizani?
14 Albania, Jonida Maliqi, Ktheju tokës
We desperately want Albania to win as we need a cheap destination to go to next year. Hold my beer, Jonida belts.
15 Norway, KEiiNO, Spirit in the Sky
Norway did an amazing job, and the German journalist in front of us thought it was the best performance during this rehearsal. Hurrah! The Norwegian Princess Märtha Louise is in rough weather these days for importing a shaman into our country. She should have asked Fred for advice instead.
16 The Netherlands, Duncan Laurence, Arcade
We think this staging is meant to show us what it is like to be a high school kid and show up on stage in the school’s talent show for the first time with the keyboard you got for Christmas. That’s totally foreign land to us, as we pretty much spent our years in high school in the back seat of a Volvo 240 drinking moonshine. What a missed opportunity for a circle piano.
17 North Macedonia, Tamara Todevska, Proud
The country formerly known as Former Yugolavian Republic of Macedonia, then known as FYROM and then known as North Macedonia and very soon known as NoMa sings a song that was meant for #MeToo, the musical, but the musical got cancelled as Greece found it very inappropriate.
18 Azerbaijan, Chingiz, Truth
Chingiz closes the show with what must be the Israeli press conference hosts’ theme song this year.