Hurrah! We are finally present in the Tel Aviv Expo arena ready to give you our semi-final 1 reviews based on the first dress rehearsal. We started with some electricity problems. Maybe this was just a demonstration of what it feels like when your supply is cut, which is a common problem in some areas here, we’ve heard. But after a few minutes delay we were ready to go. Nu kör vi!
1 Cyprus, Tamta, Replay
Tamta kicks off the show and she sounds a bit out of breath, so we thought for a second it was that Irish brawd. Her hair looks moist. Perhaps she came straight from the beach after a nip in the Mediterranean. Hope she did not wear the same bathing suit as she has on stage as it looks a bit unpractical.
2 Montenegro, D mol, Heaven
Sometimes we’re only so EMBARRASSED that people we know back home will be watching this show. Like when Montenegro performs. And when they are followed by Finland.
3 Finland, Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman, Look Away
Finland tells us us to look away. But where the heck should we look when he keeps running around on stage? Stand still! After seing Finland’s backing singers at the Nordic party we totally get why they are doing their bits off stage here.
4 Poland, Tulia, Fire of Love (Pali się)
Poland looks like babushka dolls. We keep waiting for smaller and smaller versions of them to pop out while we raise our bananas in the air.
5 Slovenia, Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl, Sebi
Well fancy seeing Mark Zuckerberg on stage! Who knew? Slovenia has a lovely little ditty, which the couple on stage seems to be enjoying. We snatched the opportunity to take a quick nap.
6 Czech Republic, Lake Malawi, Friend of a Friend
Lake Malawi’s stage outfits and backdrop grafics are as colorful as the Sami flag, which we totally approve of. The lead singer’s cocky attitude and mockney acccent, not so much.
7 Hungary, Joci Pápai, Az én apám
With the giant confidence boost from being blasted all over the Hungarian press as Eurovision’s most sexy male, no wonder he owns the stage like a boss here. We do not understand a single word he’s singing so are just assuming he sings about how nice he thinks 40-something women from Norway are and how he wants to father their children as a part of his quest for more hits on MyHeritage.
8 Belarus, ZENA, Like It
During Belarus’ performance a giant fan in the arena started to make an enormous amount of noise. We figure it was Carola with her wind machine that walked past. ZENA made some noise herself on stage, which was pretty much equally annoying.
9 Serbia, Nevena Božović, Kruna
Nevena boasts lots of spikes and studs on her outfit, we suspect she has raided the Icelandic delegations’ stash. She’s belting out her Balkan Ballad like there’s no tomorrow. We’d be happy to let her know that there’s always a tomorrow, and there’s always a flight back to Beograd.
10 Belgium, Eliot, Wake Up
Belgium’s Eliot still has his life jacket on. But after that very scary fan in the arena came on, he also brought three life boats. Better be prepared of severe gales, as Victor Crone would say.
11 Georgia, Oto Nemsadze, Keep on Going
Oto scares the bejesus out of the fanboys here, and we almost wet our pants ourselves when he came on stage and started bellowing. Other than that he sings a sweet little tune. We think the message is Georgia has a little piece of land they would like to get back. If not, they will burn down Caucasus and smoke all of Sergey’s socks.
12 Australia, Kate Miller-Heidke, Zero Gravity
We have no words, as our gobs are on the floor. This is so brilliantly bonkers we are not even missing the kangaroo on stage.
13 Iceland, Hatari, Hatrið mun sigra
Iceland is singing a warning from the future. Maybe it is about the fact that Netanyahu is trying to form a government, but no-one wants to join him because they are busy with Eurovision?
14 Estonia, Victor Crone, Storm
Victor Crone was also a bit disturbed by Carola’s wind machine and made a whole tune about it. It also appears as though he has a Palestine scarf hanging out of his pocket. Should have read up on those EBU rules a little bit better.
15 Portugal, Conan Osiris, Telemóveis
Portugal has a gourgous backdrop from One Thousand and One Nights. Let’s hope he finishes his story very soon so we can send him home.
16 Greece, Katerine Duska, Better Love
We immediateley started craving a big glass of Chardonnay when Katerine Duska started singing. Or forget that, we permanentley crave a glass of Chardonnay, but anyways. Greece has probably saved a couple of florists going out of business here in Tel Aviv. Think global, act local as they say.
17 San Marino, Serhat, Say Na Na Na
Serhat kept telling us yesterday at Euroclub how much he looked forward to the semi-final today, so naturally he gave it his all today during the first dress rehearsal. Hope someone tells him the actual semi-final is tomorrow and he still has some zest left.