Finally. After hours of discussion, after shedding blood and tears, after many a chardonnay bottle and painful rehearsals, after shutting down all the whining from our gay friends with bad taste, we have reached a verdict in Eurovision’s most significant competition: Who is the hottest male artist of 2019?
Some unlucky people were cut last minute. Romania had a hot dancer, but Andres Putting never got a close-up good enough for us to judge by. There was a very hot technician with a manbun lurking around in the photos, but he wasn’t exactly in focus and probably from Sweden, who already managed to sneak two people into the list. Duncan the Dutchman disappeared into the blue. Jurij from Lithuania got eaten by a lion last minute. And Luca from Switzerland is half our age and half our size, which is a bit too much half for us to handle, there being two of us and all.
In the end, that left us with these fine examples of the Eurovision Class of 2019. In ascending order:
1 point goes to John Lundvik, Sweden
The Swedes are meticulous in crafting copies of famous people for Eurovision, and this time they are going for the Idris Elba look. Which we don’t mind one bit. Only a few minus points for his outdated views on people’s “race”, which is seriously unsexy. Next time John talks to the media for a length of time, he should ask himself what Idris would say. And Idris would NOT say THAT.
2 points go to Mahmood from Italy
We struggle a little with this one. How is it even possible for Italy to enter a male contestant without him by default hitting the high scores on our hotlist? Well, we like to keep it interesting and we must admit that Mahmood’s giant earring is a tad off putting. Remember we’re a wee past our rebellious youth where one of us used to have dreadlocks! But that’s only a minor qualm, because everything else about this beautiful boy is very much appealing. His street smart attitude and constrained rage mixed with his poetic talent and social consciousness creates an intriguing mix. We sense a whiff of a contemporary James Dean, only Mahmood seems to be a rebel with a cause, and he’s definitely going places.
3 points go to Chingiz Mustafayev from Azerbaijan
We really should have learnt to stay away from those Azeris by now, but they keep returning with an ace up their sleeve. Chingiz does not only have a perfectly toned torso that he makes sure to showcase at every Instagram-opportunity given. He also has that dark, mysterious look of his. That scarily charming smile of his. That well-trimmed facial hair. We’re sure he’s bad for us in so many levels. But we don’t giveadamn.
4 points go to Fred Buljo, Norway
Showing up in black leather tights is a wise move if you want to make it into this hot list, and Fred sure can pull them off. We also like the thought of a man that can run his scooter for miles and miles in the vast, snow clad plateau of Finnmarskvidda without getting lost. And we’ll gladly sneak up by the fire inside the lavvu with him as he joiks us to sleep. Ah, bliss. We need to get that guy out of Oslo.
5 points go to Sebastian Rejman, Finland
Ok, here’s the deal, Sebastian Rejman might look like Victor Crone’s dad, but what can we say? Some like grapes and other likes raisins and we like both. Such a shame tough, he has been teamed up with a creepy guy in the background with a Brazilian landing strip on his face who used to give us headaches around the turn of the millennium. So we have to give a couple of minus points for hanging out with the wrong crowd. Moreover, he’s been given such a God-awful song to perform we forced the EBU to write a very urgent letter to the Finnish Prime Minister stressing the fact that it is already irritating enough that the Finns have made a habit of jeopardizing the security of the Eurovision audience by sending crappy entries years on end, and underlining why proper quality control is of the utmost importance. We trust that the Prime Minister will stand by his commitment and therefore urge him to take immediate action.
6 points go to Serhat, San Marino
We have a confession to make. Serhat did not make it into our hotlist in 2016. Epic fail! How could we overlook this fine doctor and gentleman, and miss the chance of getting our dental plaque removed while doing some mean disco moves in the same bout? We’re pretty sure they don’t make men like Serhat anymore so let’s make the most of it while we still have the chance. We salute him for his impeccable style, his flamboyant lifestyle and boisterous appetite for life. We secretly wish he would whisk us away and let us live life on first class for the rest of our lives. We’ll be his entourage, wearing nothing but haute couture and nipping champagne. Think Patsy and Edwina and ponder on who’s who.
7 points go to Sergey Lazarev, Russia
We love Sergey. Really do. In fact he was all set for a higher rank in this very serious competition, since we remember him as a very good-looking, divinely-smelling, well-behaved, well-dressed person. But then he kept walking around in Tel Aviv in very funny clothing, like grey sweatshirt shorts and army pants, which is all inappropriate. We can’t understand how Filip Kirkorov could agree to that, but are hoping for a better-dressed Sergey as we get closer to the final. There should be a lot of interesting things in the closet for him to showcase and make a higher rank with the next time around.
8 points and a BRONZE medal go to Victor Crone, Estonia
There’s something very intriguing about Victor Crone. He certainly has that punchable, slick face of a regular Stureplan statue filling up on expensive champagne only to create good Instagram moments. But at the same time he seems genuine and even a little ungainly clumsy off stage, reminding us of a combination of the guitar boys we kept crushing on in high school and Prince Daniel of Sweden. And that’s a huge plus in our book. Now all we’re waiting for is him fixing his dark, shiny gaze at us, saying “störst av allt är kärleken”.
10 points and a SILVER medal go to Matthías Tryggvi Haraldsson, Iceland
Those Icelanders have been getting well-deserved attention ahead of this competition and the winning recipe seems to be a combination of a camp, sexy appearance, political awareness and entertainment value. Matthías wraps his fine body in leather, preaches a little human rights and screams his heart out onstage, and we’re all for it. Challenging Netanyahu to a wrestling game right before leaving for Tel Aviv, he also seems to love living on the edge. And the edge is right where we’ll go to find him.
12 points and a GOLD medal go to Joci Papai, Hungary
Ah, Joci! Or Juicy, as we prefer to call him. He’s been on our hotlist before and something tells us he returned to Eurovision only to improve his score. For most men even getting close to this meticulously curated list requires a lot of hard work, sweaty hours in the gym, numerous visits to the barber shop, forking out on stylists and designer outfits, you name it. Only not Joci, all he has to do is to walk into a room, smile, and we swoon like fine ladies in a Jane Austin novel. Cause some things can’t be acquired, like his radiant charisma and genuine demeanor. And when it’s perfectly packaged in a manbun, a groomed beard and shiny brown eyes there’s simply no other option than to award him our top score. Beam us up, Joci!
(all pictures are from artists’ Facebook pages if nothing else is mentioned. Go stalk them).