It’s not easy getting attention as a Eurovision artist this year. After all, we are in the country where everyone from renovation workers to police officers to the average shop keeper look like they are replaced by super models, and we’ll more than gladly accept a body search by security guards. But we still have a few nice guys on our hands and we feel the responsibility for awarding them for that, of course.
The jury has worked long and hard, binging on Chardonnay and trying not to drown in any #metoo sinking holes along the way. But eventually we made our list. And here be the points of the real housewives of Norway:
1 point go to Stee Gfeller, Switzerland
Man bun alert! This Swiss hipster has got some serious swagger. We can only assume he’s an extremely patient man, as he keeps his cool while his sister shouts at him for three minute straight on stage. Betcha she’s the little sister. And wouldn’t we all like to have a brother like him, letting us steal all the thunder? Unfortunately for Stee, these connotations places him in the friends zone and prevents him from hitting those high points, but if he comes back next year without his sis, we’ll reconsider.
2 points go to Sergiu Mîța, Moldova
We totally get why Marina can’t decide which bloke to choose, cause Moldovan men are hot! If we were to give a piece of advice let’s just say that when in doubt we usually go for the bearded one. We are utterly charmed by Sergiu’s sense of humor and cheekiness performing such a fun and bouncy song. Looking all dapper in a sharp suit he clearly knows his way around the high end shopping streets of Chișinău, and his impeccable style suggests he’s no stranger to the wonders of male grooming products. But this is where we have to draw the line, as we always subtract a couple of points by default for men spending more time in the bathroom than us.
3 points go to Alexander Rybak, Norway
We are really happy to include our own artist on this year’s list as we mostly tend to look for candy abroad. Alexander Rybak is someone to be proud of as he walks the street of Lisbon charming everyone on his way. We love his focus on getting other artists to sound good, which is particularly positive while we are almost drowning in self help crap over here. He never seems to age, though, which makes us think he could be an avatar among the living and that scares us from awarding him with higher points.
4 points go to Sevak Khanagyan, Armenia
Sevak is solid as a rock, looking like a wedge carved directly from Caucasus’ rugged mountains. His rough exterior would scare the living daylights out of us if we ran into this bloke in the dark backstreets of Yerevan, but you know us, we enjoy living on the edge! And make no mistake; on the inside he’s sweeter and softer than fudge, and his voice is smooth like a red velvet cake. Goes without saying we just want to dig into this knight in black armor. Yum!
5 points go to Eugent Bushpepa, Albania
Readers of this website may have picked up our preference for rockers and surprise, surprise, of course Eugent Bushpepa made it on our list! This bloke oozes self-confidence which is always sexy and why shouldn’t he as he has THE best vocal by far in this year’s contest. If Eurovision was a singing contest, he would win. And we know rockers live on coffee, cigarettes and hard liquor, but we wish he could eat more pizza and gain a few pounds, as we prefer men that are heavier than ourselves.
6 points go to Mikolas Josef, Czech Republic
Being young enough to be our…very little brother, we weren’t sure if putting Mikolas on our list was ok in these #metoo times. Then again, we considered the fact that Mikolas wrote his lyrics himself, and figured he’s been in this world enough to handle it. And then we met him, and leaving him out was definitely not an option. Also, we quite felt he needed some cheering up and motherly comfort after spending a bit too much time in the hospital. You know where to find us the next time you feel like doing a backflip, hon.
7 points go to Fabrizio Moro, Italy:
Looking sharp in a leather jacket is always awarded by the GEE jury, and being Italian puts you on the list by proxy. Fabrizio Moro seems like a very likeable person. He has the perfect “oh, I forgot to shave because I couldn’t get out if bed” face and he’s actually older than us, which is very rare on this list. Also, he has the best shag me-hair of this contest, and without mentioning any names, we’re sure someone will follow him up that request easily.
8 points go to Aron Veress, Hungary
All the metal heads of Hungary are looking seriously sharp onstage right now, and all of them could easily end up on this list. Then again, wearing a bathing shorts, playing like your life is at stake and still looking like you did nothing wrong in your life is quite the accomplishment. We’re sure he’s hiding a few dirty secrets, though. And those looks are priceless. Even on the metal scene.
10 points go to Ermal Meta, Italy:
We might seem a just a hint shallow to you, but we kid you not, being nice is probably the single most important thing for the GEE jury. So is preaching world peace and writing beautiful lyrics that will put even the best poet to shame. Add the fact that Ermal Meta wrote all the beautiful lyrics we earlier wrongly awarded Marco Mengoni for, and there you have it. Ermal has beautiful red curls that we are just dying to pull, a sincere smile that we are dying to evoke and lips we wish would kiss us like he kisses Fabrizio. In fact, Ermal was set to win this whole thing, but we just couldn’t get past the fact that his eyebrow piercing reminds us of the boys we made out with on language school in the south of England in our youth and we never wanted to hear about those again.
12 points go to Cesár, Austria:
Among the very few things our history major in university taught us is that Austria used to have a Kaiser. And we figure the Austrians must miss the good old days as a monarchy since they now have instated Cesár! And holy sacher torte, we want to become his obedient subjects like right now, where do we apply for citizenship? We drink beer, watch ski jumping on the telly every weekend from November to March, know all German prepositions by heart and make a mean wiener mélange so it should be a walk in the park for us. Cesár has it all, the looks, the talent and the personality. To think that Bulgaria had the nerve to hide him in the background for two years straight makes us very upset, but finally it is Cesár’s time to shine. And boy, how he shimmers as he rises from the underground like a…Phoenix! Is he even real, or just a fata morgana? Don’t worry; we will make it the top of our priority list to find out in Lisbon. Make way, fanboys!
Czech head of press Kryštof Šámal
Ok, so turns out one the hottest people in this year’s contest was awarded with the job of answering questions about spinal disc problems, standing in the background when someone is interviewed and taking the picture when people such as ourselves didn’t bring our own photographer. We couldn’t put him on the official list, as this was against EBU rules, but you should book your interview with Mikolas immediately, because Czech Republics head of press Kryštof Šámal is seriously beefy. We’ll take him medium rare, please.
Ari is really heating up the arena looking stellar in his weird jacket. Also, he seems really nice. But to be honest, the most important reason we put him on this list, is that we love all Icelanders. And that includes him, of course.
We have no clue what this guys is called, but he is looking seriously sharp onstage and has some moves that would easily place him in our top three. But he is not in focus long enough for us to decide whether he should be on the list (blame the EBU). Also, he is working for a pimp, which worries us a little. So he’ll be a runner-up for now.