Attention! Justin Bieber vikings coming through

Everybody knows the most important vikings did not originate from Denmark, but from a bit, ahem, farther north. No wonder the Danes present us with this parody of an entry:

We mean, come on. We know that vikings are da hipster shit these days, with a certain HBO series running in its fifth season and all. Guess it was only a matter of time before those viksters showed up in Eurovision flashing all their ragged facial hair in front of Carola’s wind machine as if they were thoroughly designed by Jean Paul Gaultier. But hey, that’s pretty far from the world of Egil Skallagrimsson and Eric Bloodaxe if you ask us.

We want to love Denmark, we really do. They’ve provided us with so much furniture, Nordic cuisine, intellectual newspapers, TV series and Carlsberg we we are forever indebted. But in Eurovision they keep getting it wrong. They seem more calculated, polished and cheap than a Facebook post from Donald Trump. Except the latter is actually entertaining.

There ARE factors that could have saved this of course. First, the melody is not half bad and would have sounded a lot less bad if if wasn’t delivered by a guy who seems like he is auditioning for the main part in Justin Bieber the musical. Second, Rasmussen is secured at least an honorable mention on our hotlist, and we all know appearing great on mute is half the job. And last, but not least, we like the guy with the funny hat in the back. If we were vikings, that would be the first thing we robbed.

But then the lyrics are a joke worth a whole new review. Apparently the song is about the Earl of Orkney, Magnus Erlandsson, who was known for hiding in his boat and singing psalms while his men went onshore killing people. According to certain songwriters that made him a pacifist who believed in tolerance and peace. According to us that only made him a sneaky puppeteer resembling Vladimir Putin. And good luck presenting THAT to a blood thirsty Eurovision crowd.

And then there’s the attitude. Another sigh. It doesn’t take much intelligence to figure out Vikings didn’t stand patiently still for 3 minutes like any Calvin Klein underwear model, not event the ones who sing psalms. They rush for victory at any chance they get, chop your head off and spit your blood out to make room for mead. Which all would have made perfect sense in Eurovision, of course. But we’re sorry to say this entry just doesn’t. Far from it. It’s almost as if we want to cut off a horse’s head and put it on a nithing pole onstage, but of course, that would upset Jon Ola too much.

If Denmark really wanted to pull this off, they could at least have the decency to ask the pros, mainly people from their former colony knowns as Norway. We would gladly have turned them down or provided a few liters of blood for good measure. Let the vikings rest in their grand graves where they belong and try doing what you are good at next time, Denmark. The Eurovision audience might not believe it, but it is actually a lot.

– Hey, guys! Did we really reach the Orkneys? It looks a lot like Møn. (Pic by Johny Kristensen)

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