Semi final 1 – awards of the evening

Australia is a little bit outside of the rest of Europe. Makes perfect sense. Pic by Thomas Hanses/EBU
Yay, tonight was fabulous, regardless of the fact that Finland and Iceland didn’t qualify. But let’s just blame that on Vladmir Putin for now. The arena is smaller than last year, and that makes it more fun for the audience. And that gives us quite a few awards to hand out:

Best jacket buttoning of the evening: Sweden’s Robin. We are so proud of you for managing to button your jacket all by yourself, darling.

Best superpower eyes of the evening: Australia’s Isaiah. If anyone tries to do anything scary in or around Eurovision, just let Isaiah have a look at them, We assure you, they’ll all turn nice in a second.

Best performance of the evening: Portugal’s Salvador Sobral, by far. What an amazing singer he is. We booked our apartment in Lisbon 2018. Do NOT dare to host the international final in Porto.

Hottest performance of the evening: Moldova’s Sun Stroke Project. We booked our plastic surgeon to remove a few bones in our legs now, so we can replace those brides onstage just in time for the final.

Best adaptation of fashion advice proudly presented by the GEE ladies: Czech Republic’s Martina, listening to our advice on never, ever wearing beige in Eurovision and showing up in GOLD LAME this time! How very fabulous indeed!

– Look, Moldova. THIS is what you should be wearing! Pic by Andres Putting/EBU
Artist’s with most to learn from other performances: Moldova’s Sun Stroke Project again, who should learn from Czech Republic. We mean, if you are to have magnified pictures of people such as yourself on the stage backdrop, it truly is an interesting idea keep those naked.

Best acknowledgement of the fact that voters at home have no clue what a few tired journalists need to see at least a couple times a day: Montenegro’s Slavko not qualifying for the final.

Best acknowledgement of the fact that voters at home have no clue what a few tired journalists need to AVOID at least a couple times a day: Greece, qualifying for the final.

Happiest chap of the evening: Thomas G:Son, acknowledging the fact that his artist Hovig a)hit the right notes and b)didn’t fall over and c)qualified for the final. Hooray for Cyprus!

Yay, really good standing positions! We had a perfect view to Salvador’s ass doing his entire performance!
Strongest indication of the fact that Russia must have rigged this election as well: Greece, qualifying for the final instead of Iceland.

Worst diction of the evening: Belgium’s Blanche. We can see you really care about what you are singing, hon, but it would help if we also caught the lyrics. Especially when they are as strong as this.

– SOS! Please, somebody, help me! The Norwegian tabloid, Dagbladet, wants me to shave and wear lipstick! Emergency captured by Andres Putting/EBU
Most confusing moment of the evening: Poland’s Kasia Mos and Portugal’s Salvador Sobral, talking about animal and human rights when they should be talking about Finland’s right to qualify. Unless there was some hidden meaning there, of course.

Best advance reviews of the show: The Norwegian tabloid Dagbladet, telling its readers the Portuguese artist has had a shave, let his hair out and put on lipstick to look more androgynous, totally unconscious of the fact that it was Salvador‘s sister they were talking about.

Say Something