What we noticed in the rehearsals

Boiled lobster. The latest trend from the food fashion capital of Europe, Tblisi Pic by Thomas Hanses/EBU
Yay, we got through the first couple of rounds of rehearsals and it was as fabulous as expected. We haven’t been following them as closely as we’d like to, as we have had the constant disturbance from our day jobs to deal with. But that’s about to change as we pack our polyester and head for Kyiv first thing tomorrow. And we did notice quite a few things all the same, of course. Here are the highlights:

  • Georgia dressed herself in a boiled lobster. Which makes a lot of sense, Tblisi being a food capital and all. We’ll have her au naturel with just a hint of lemon. And bring us some of that cheesy bread to go with.
  • Sweden is having a crisis in the jacket buttoning department, and Sweden has called in some experts to try and fix it. It’s a crisis indeed, as buttoning and unbuttoning his jacket is Robin’s most important job in Kyiv. We might not be experts, but may we suggest velcro?
  • Belarus called themselves Snowwhite and Snowguy, which calls for speculations over who is the evil stepmother. Or shall we say -father? Expecting a letter from the EBU to the prime minister of Belarus any minute now, reminding them their reputation as a democratic nation is at stake 
  • There are at least 15 brides present. We all know only one bride is allowed at a time in an event, so we’re sorry to say someone has to go. It surely isn’t Moldova’s ladies, who are the only ones who don’t look like they purchased their big, white dress at a bridal shop in rural Ukraine for the bargain price of two for one. Considering who they are about to marry, we can relate
  • Speaking of dresses, we cannot even begin to comment on this thing:
A Swiss’ got to do what a Swiss’ got to do and go dress shopping. Now. Disaster captured by Andres Putting. The stuff that guy needs to go through in order to survive Eurovision
  • Israel says he feels like the king of the world. Is he just pretending to be Leonardo DiCaprio on a sinking ship or should we start to worry?
  • Omar forced the EBU cameramen to join them in his dressing room. Interesting choice for a person who’s had a wee bit of trouble with legislation regarding sexual offense
  • Norway is trying deperatley to kill that voice in his head, but a pre-recorded voice on tape is obviously quite all right
  • Azerbaijan brought a centaur onstage, and we love, love, love him even though he appears to just stand there looking for Odyssevs
  • Belgium forgot to bring her voice or charisma onstage. Something needs to be done. EBU, start typing letters
  • Clearly France’s presidential candidates will be part of the staging this year. Why else would Marine Le Pen rehearse Amir’s moves from last year? And WHY is Emmanuel pointing like that? Is he trying to get Jon Ola’s job?
  • Moldova needs to stop addressing the audience. A no-no in Eurovision, where most of the viewers sit in their own sofa with a bowl of chips and a glass of cava, totally unable to clap their hands.
  • Portugal still has Salvador’s sister on the rehearsal. But they are so alike we are wondering if it really could be Salvador post hernia, where he had a shave and upped his dose of estrogen a little? Awesome!
  • San Marino are still sounding like 2 Unlimited. And here we were, thinking those guys were dead and buried in the 90s. How very unfortunate!
  • France’s Alma wants us to believe we are in Paris. Guess France are still in denial from last year
  • And Italy is still going to win. Go KingKong!

That’s it for now, folks. But stay tuned as we head for Ukraine very, very shortly

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