Time to decide what really matters in this year’s competition: Who is the hottest bloke?
The jury has had a difficult time, as usual. The careful selection process involved a lot of vodka, fighting over basic female rights and rather serious investigations into whether or not the candidates have been to Crimea. We decided to listen to Latvia and draw the line somewhere, so we agreed candidates young enough to be the parents of our grandchildren were not allowed. But we welcome Bulgaria, Australia and Ireland to try again when their artists are out of high school.
We only allowed one candidate from each country, which was such a bummer for Moldova, Norway and Italy’s ape. We also had to cut sex offenders for the sake of our good, feminist upbringing and yodelling offenders for the sake of just about everything, so cheerio Slovenia and Romania.
Anyway, Oslo and Bergen are calling very persistently, and these would be the votes of the GEE jury.
Honorable mention goes to….Imri, Israel
We weren’t planning on including this one. But then we figured that could cause a riot among certain fans. We’re sure Imri would have done better if we had been a little more nice and democratic like Wiwibloggs and let the people decide. But that is not for us, we consider the fact that the people gave us Donald Trump and only trust our own taste. Which tells us Imri is a bit too groomed and toned and haute couture for our taste, so we’ll leave him with a mention.
1 point go to…Salvador Sobral, Portugal
Salvador is such a cutie pie with a voice to die for. We couldn’t award him with more points, though, as we heard from some fake journalist that he might actually die. And then his sister might jump in and replace him, which would be rather embarrassing for the rest of that testosteroned bunch. Seriously, though, we’d give Salvador our heart any time!
2 points go to…Arciom Lukjanienka, Belarus
We’ve always had a weak spot for redheads, and it certainly isn’t fading by binge watching Scottish tv shows on Netflix these days. It was only a matter of time before they showed up in…Belarus? Arciom seems really sweet, and has an impeccable style, combining Belarusian folklore, tailored waistcoats and the very best finds from the flea markets of Minsk. Did someone say Eastern European is the new hipster?
3 points go to…Robin Bengtsson, Sweden
Robin is slicker than snot on a golden doorknob, but man, that guy can button his jacket. We never even knew that was a thing until we saw it on Robin, but judging by the amount of criticism the president of the USA gets for doing exactly the opposite, we get the fuss. It’s almost as if we can forgive him for being Swedish. Just don’t become our president.
4 points go to…Slavko Kalezic, Montenegro
We don’t usually approve hair extensions on men, but if anyone could pull it off, it is Slavko. He also pulls off lace tops and see through tops and full circle skirts without looking the least bit less manly, which is an accomplishment yet to be seen in the city of Kyiv. Vladimir Putin might have this guy arrested for promoting a jolly gay lifestyle, but betcha Putin is not allowed in this year’s Eurovision anyway, as we are pretty sure he went to Crimea quite a few times without permission.
5 points go to…Aleksander Walmann, Norway
Being nice is always a strong asset in our book, and Aleksander certainly has that covered, as he has been travelling Europe along with his buddy the last couple of months, charming all journalists and fans along his way. We love Aleksander’s taste in hats and shirts, which, we are telling you, is NOT a common thing in our little corner of the world, where men wear flipflops and khaki shorts to work. Add those twinkly eyes and a dead steady, alluring voice and Aleksander is a dead certain qualifier on our list.
6 points go to…Edgars Vilums, Latvia
We’ve always had a thing for drummers. They are so versatile and can be used for anything, really. The price for best drummer of 2017 goes to Latvia. Edgars is looking seriously sharp. In fact he is so ridiculously good looking that we made the EBU write a letter to the prime minister of Latvia, Māris Kučinskis, telling him it will certainly have a very big negative effect on Latvia’s international reputation as a modern, democratic, European nation if they don’t keep Edgars in sharp focus during the entire performance instead of that boring lead singer. We are confident Māris understands the urgency of this situation and quickly will find a solution.
7 points go to…Hovig, Cyprus
Well someone who pleads for us to be his hard is bound for a few extra points in this competition. As is choosing to cooperate with Thomas G:Son. Hovig is utterly charming and even though he is among the Justin Biebers of 2017, at least he is a little older and wiser and a little more dark and twisty than the rest, which allows him to play in the big league. Also, he has dimples. Beautiful, dreamy dimples. They are responsible for at least five of those points alone.
8 points go to…Sergei Yalovitsky, Moldova
Time to let the moves of Sergei 1, aka Epic Sax Guy go and focus on the real asset of Sunstroke Project: Sergei 2, aka the lead singer. Sergei seems like the kind of guy you would invite to your dinner party only to pour him some vodka, lock the door and never let him out again. The fact that he lets his other band members shine without caring much when they steal the limelight is the sexiest feature we can think of in a guy, especially one that we’d like to keep near two attention hoes such as ourselves. Sergei has that certain charisma others pay lifestyle coaches the national budget of Moldova not to achieve. And just you wait until he starts swinging those hips onstage. Oh mama!
10 points go to…Joci Papai, Hungary
Last year we were craving man buns so much we had to bully Belarus’ artist IVAN into a restyle. But Hungary answered our prayers immediately, of course. The fact that Joci doesn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about what people think of him, could be a necessity to survive as Romani in Hungary, but it also makes him alluringly great. It’s not only his shiny brown eyes, sincere attitude and perfectly groomed beard that does it. There’s something about his whole package that just WORKS so goddamn well. We mean, who else could stand on a stage surrounded by gold and scream about samurais and still be so amazingly HAWT?
12 points go to…Francesco Gabbani, Italy
But let’s be honest: There’s only one winner in this years contest.The sole reason we have been able to focus on other artists these days is that Francesco hasn’t yet arrived in Kyiv, but that’s about to change as he was spotted in the Boryspil airport today. Francesco might not encompass the classical Roman God beauty of Marco Mengoni, but who does, really? He has a great style, showcasing the latest in Italian hipster, and an impeccable taste in angora sweaters, all designed to him by his buddy. Also he is quite possibly the most charming, smiling, shining thing ever to set foot on a Eurovision stage along with a gorilla. We can’t wait to see how well he’ll look naked and carved in marble from his hometown Carrara.
Pizza, pasta, grappa, brunello. What else do we need? Solo niente. Siamo innamorati di te.