Repeat after us, please: Unless your name is Beyonce or something ending with Spice, never ever form a girl group. Not before, not now, not ever. And especially not in The Netherlands:
Presenting three significant characteristics that don’t exactly cause standing ovation in GEE headquarters:
- All those tiresome women who are so in love with their own voices they care more about trying out all sorts of harmonies than delivering a decent song.
- All those artists that seem like they found Jesus and are so in love with him they are determined to make you feel the same, totally ignoring the fact that you were a lost case once you gained your own consciousness.
- Bands with names consisting of capital letters and numbers that you have no clue how to pronounce.
Safe to say, then, that OG3NE doesn’t exactly tick our boxes. And it’s not just because our first association with their band name is OBGYN. (Seriously, who wants to be thinking about spreading their legs while partying in Kyiv? Or wait a minute…no further comment on that one.)
The ladies emerge in a dark forest. Kind of like TLC emerging from the sea chasing waterfalls. Only so not like TLC at all. Moving on to a sort of choir rehearsal where the ladies are trying out their voices to see if they fit together. Turns out they do not, but the sisters keep singing all the same. And there are lyrics lightning up in the forest in case these sirens forget their words, so there is absolutely no hope of them shutting up any time soon.
Then there’ll be cracking of voices, Mariah Carey style. And some high pitches, Disney movie style. And a lot of pouting, Angelina Jolie style. And a bit too many climaxes, Anastasia Steele style. And when you don’t think it can get any worse, an electrical guitar pukes all over the whole thing. As if that could help.
We cannot even for the sake of a good girlpower upbringing understand the point of this whole thing. The only positive we can think of is the video. It confirms what we all have been fearing since The Blair Witch Project: There are suspicious, scary things going on in the shadows of the forest. You might die a slow and painfull death if you ever visit it again. Just stay at home or somewhere in the city lights.
We are big fans of the Dutch right now, as they are one of few countries that didn’t choose an incompetent right wing hob goblin to lead their country. But maybe the guys over at AVROTROS should trust the people as well next time, and let them chose their reperesentative? Democracy works so well over there.
And to think we bought orange dresses last year. What a total waste of money. Bring back the skinny dipping, bourbon sipping cowboy. Now.