Don’t get us wrong. While we might occassionaly hit a few sarcastic notes when covering our home country on this site, we love Norway. It is a glorious country. So glorious. Chuck-full of fiords and mountains and carefully farmed salmon and clean water and at least a little bit of clean air outside of Oslo and an opera house and great drip coffee and more than one good bar and an endless supply of aquavit and moonshine on every street corner. Oh, and Alexander Rybak. There is a lot to be proud of. And we are the proudest. So why this lack of enthusiasm when it comes to MGP?
Let’s do an analysis. We see three possible explanations:
A) We are so afraid of being labeled nationalistic that we positively discriminate anything related to our own country. Harshly.
B) There is no good music in Norway, hence no potential for good music in MGP.
C) The entire group of songwriters in Norway are prohibited from using any tricks related to Sweden, such as bridges, catchy choruses, pre-choruses to catchy choruses, key changes, good lyrics, structure, a proper melody…and so on and so forth.
Now, solution A would be very valid for two lovely women who always put others first and are dedicated to fair judgment where everyone stands the same initial chance of winning. Only problem there: We are not those two women. Moving on to B. Is there no good music in Norway? You might not believe it, but yes, there is. We can think of a dozen examples, that we’ll happily share with you over a glass of pinot. For now let’s just state that explanation B would be fake. So fake.
With A and B eliminated, we’re left with theory C. Let’s do an experiment and apply this theory on the songs for this year’s MGP:
- Ammunition: “Wrecking crew”: No melody, pre-chorus, structure or good lyrics. A hint of bridge, chorus and key change, but it is all wrecked by whistling. Hence the title, we presume.
- Ulrikke: “Places”: No nothing here. Let’s send it places it has never been before. Like Mexico.
- Amina Sewali: “Mesterverk”: The melody has gone missing completely here. And then everything else is useless. SAD
- JOWST: “Grab The Moment”: Fits explanation C perfectly. So perfectly.
- Kristian Valen: “You and I”: Shows great potential of both structure, melody, build-up and chorus, but total waste of opportunity for key change. Also: Too bad the singer is known for shooting guns around and will never get a visa to Ukraine anyway.
- Elin & The Woods: “First Step In Faith / Oadjebasvuhtii”: No melody, pre-chorus, chorus, structure or key change, but we can bring this one. Our mama told us when in doubt always bring the joik. It is better. So much better.
- Jenny Augusta: “I go where you go”: Celtic country. Two words we never want to see together again. Also fits all criterions of C.
- Ella: “Mamma Boy”: If you count shouting, we guess there is pre-chorus and chorus. Let’s not count shouting for the sake of good research. And where’s that structure?
- Rune Rudberg Band: “Run Run Away”: We can’t even…And we’ve all seen that picture of this guy with a dildo. WRONG! SO WRONG! We do not want the pre-chorus to that either.
- In Fusion: “Nothing Ever Knocks Us Over”: We choose to ignore this one. Enough already.
Yup, C seems quite right if you ask us, and if you ask anyone else they will only tell you fake news anyway. What to do then, in order to make Norway great again? We only see one solution:
A)Accept your origins, get down on our knees and say a little prayer to Sweden.
Here goes that prayer:
Dear Sir Thomas G:Son in schlager heaven,
Thank you for all you have done for us in Eurovision. It was great. So great. But we need to ask just a wee bit more.
Now time has come for you to behave like a proper PartySwede and come over to Norway and work for a few years.
We mean, you don’t have to come right away. We all know Italy is doing a landslide this year, so better stay in Sweden for that one. But you need to start preparing for next year. There is a lot of cleaning up and innovating and mentoring to do over here, and you’re the only one who can do it.
You do your magic here and we wil ensure your supplies. Like some decent singers, more than a few articles on the internet, a few bottles of moonshine and a proper entourage to come with you to Rome 2018. Also: You fix Norway, and we will love you forever, which is the best reward one can dream of.
And while you are at it, build a huge wall along the Swedish border so none of the great Swedish song writers in this country, meaning you, can go back again. Make Charlotte Perelli pay for it.
It will be great. So great. And we’ll post it all over Twitter for you. #NORWAYFIRST
Hugs and kisses and amen