Ah, the glorious Sanremo. Full of american actors dubbed to Italian, Tiziano Ferro doing unspeakable things to Saint Luigi Tenco (that’s just blasphemy, man), Francesco Totti trying to control his balls and the annoyingly irreplaceable Carlo Conti. When the latter dies, he’ll surely create a new festival to host in heaven while we’ll be having a neverending ball in purgatory with Marco Mengoni.
But most of all Sanremo is a celebration of the greatest musical nation in history and the selection of who gets to represent it in this year’s Eurovision in Kyiv, at least in theory. Never mind the totally incomprehensible voting system and let’s concentrate on the contestants. Here are all the finalists and what to expect from them – at least in our humble opinion (click on name to see the whole performance on RAI, never mind the chitchat in the beginning):
Surely this act must be included only to make Carlo Conti feel better about his age. We must admit he knows how to sing, this one, but why can’t he just shut up about it? Has the most hideous glasses ever shown on stage in San Remo. Miuccia Prada must be weeping.
Our vote: nay nay nay and then some more nay
In a country where most women try to look like hungry, underage fashion models, it is a serious accomplishment to show up with pink, short hair and Gigi Hadid’s eyebrows. Elodie is nothing short of fabulous, and neither is her performance. The song is a bit boring, though. Consider changing that part.
Our vote: Absolutely yay!
There are many reasons to like this one, starting with his hat and ending somewhere around his foot. Now let’s write him a new song and teach him how to sing, yeah?
Our vote: A sad little nay
OMG, we love this lady. We think this is what princess Vivian would look like today had she not met that sleazy Richard Gere and his credit card. She doesn’t even wear a push-up, and we love her for that. Also, there is a great voice and song. We’ll buy her tons of vodka in Kyiv.
Our vote: Yay and hooray!
On the first day this one was presented by Francesco Totti, which was the highlight of this number. The rest is a very sad story. Will someone get the lady some cough syrup?
Our vote: Nay. But we’ll gladly welcome Totti to Kyiv.
Best shag me-hair in this competition, and we’ll gladly accept that invitation. The first half of song is not half bad, and we hope Fabrizio wins only so that Ferragamo can design him a new suit.
Our vote: Y…ay.
Another foxy lady. Where do the Italians hide these the rest of the time? Do they only come out once a year? This one is a little scary, though, so we might need Marco Mengoni to hold our hand. What a sad excuse.
Our vote: Absolutely yay. She’ll be able to scare the living shit out of Putin this one and we might need it.
Half way through this song we pressed pause and did some online grocery shopping. Not a great sign.
Our vote: Yawn. AKA nay.
Seriously cool couple in seriously cool outfits. Who doesn’t want that chemistry and who doesn’t want to wear Tuscany? Fun rock song, and we love that they sing the whole thing together, which is usually our strategy. Also, their rap thing actually works.
Our vote: Yay and then some!
Yeah, Signora Prada wouldn’t love this one either. And neither do we. This is where you binge on grappa only in order to survive.
Our vote: And that would be a nay
Not exactly impressed by Ermal’s tonal register, as this song consists of a maximum of three different notes. Also he has the worst eyebrow piercing we’ve seen after 1992. Seriously disturbing.
Our vote: Nay
Holy Christ and poor little Virgin Mary. This is so hideous we had to pause it several times to get through it all. If Jude Law, aka The Young Pope, was here now, he would have found this woman a job in Alaska immediately.
Our vote: Nay, nay, nay and a million times more nay. But we’ll take the dress as a souvenir.
Finally some glasses Miucchia would approve after a series of disappointments. The rest is unmentionable.
Our vote: Nay
Man, the ladies in this competition! This must be the Italian edition of Patti Smith, and we do approve one hundred per cent of that. Don’t know about that yelling in the background, but the rest is great enough to not make us notice.
Our vote: Another great yay!
Word of advice for this one: If you are trying to look like a tough hip-hop gangster, do not name yourself after a mini fruit. Not impressed by the rest, either. Maybe he should do a study trip to Scampìa together with the Gomorrah crew and come back next year?
Our vote: Nay for now
Now this one looks like he actually has a part in Gomorrah. Gotta love his voice too. And his jacket. We just…Thumbs up! A thousand of them.
Our vote; Con noi a Kyiv? Yay, man.
Someone described this one as the new Marco Mengoni, so our expectations were sky high. Imagine the disappointment. Still a bit of a charmer, though.
Our vote: A tiny, hopeful yay
There’s something about those ladies who are so conscious of the fact that they know how to sing that they just want to stand there forever and give you all the feelings they can think of. That something is called boring. Extraordinarily so.
Our vote: Nay
And just when you think you are stuck in the worst yawnfest ever, a hot, weird bloke in an orange mohair sweater enters the podium. And he waves his hands over his head! And he makes the orchestra sing “Olé!” And he mentions both Nirvana and Singing in the Rain. And he DANCES WITH KINGKONG? That’s almost too much to take in for a couple of simple ladies like ourselves.
Our vote: Yay yay yay yay yay. We totally love the orange man and heartily welcome him to Kyiv. As long as he brings the monkey.
Also announced by Totti, who wasn’t so lucky with his numbers this time. Sweet enough and a good singer, knowing he just came out of kindergarten. His parents must become so sad when he reaches puberty and his voice starts cracking.
Our vote: Nay. Try Junior Eurovision down the hall.
Just another Italian ballad. But it’s got just enough drama, emotion and fervency to pass if you like that kind of things.
Our vote: Barely a nay, but we’ll give her for effort
Message will follow in English: If you’re called almost the same as Marco Mengoni, you cannot show up and sing like that, man. Shame on you. And find a decent barber!
Our vote: Absolutely not. Nay. Now let’s make Italian men great again.