Ah, the glorious Sanremo. Full of american actors dubbed to Italian, Tiziano Ferro doing unspeakable things to Saint Luigi Tenco (that’s just blasphemy, man), Francesco Totti trying to control his balls and the annoyingly irreplaceable Carlo Conti. When the latter dies, he’ll surely create a new festival to host in heaven while we’ll be having a neverending ball in purgatory with Marco Mengoni.
But most of all Sanremo is a celebration of the greatest musical nation in history and the selection of who gets to represent it in this year’s Eurovision in Kyiv, at least in theory. Never mind the totally incomprehensible voting system and let’s concentrate on the contestants. Here are all the finalists and what to expect from them – at least in our humble opinion (click on name to see the whole performance on RAI, never mind the chitchat in the beginning):
Surely this act must be included only to make Carlo Conti feel better about his age. We must admit he knows how to sing, this one, but why can’t he just shut up about it? Has the most hideous glasses ever shown on stage in San Remo. Miuccia Prada must be weeping.
Our vote: nay nay nay and then some more nay
In a country where most women try to look like hungry, underage fashion models, it is a serious accomplishment to show up with pink, short hair and Gigi Hadid’s eyebrows. Elodie is nothing short of fabulous, and neither is her performance. The song is a bit boring, though. Consider changing that part.
Our vote: Absolutely yay!
There are many reasons to like this one, starting with his hat and ending somewhere around his foot. Now let’s write him a new song and teach him how to sing, yeah?
Our vote: A sad little nay
Fiorella Mannoia: “Che sia benedetta”
OMG, we love this lady. We think this is what princess Vivian would look like today had she not met that sleazy Richard Gere and his credit card. She doesn’t even wear a push-up, and we love her for that. Also, there is a great voice and song. We’ll buy her tons of vodka in Kyiv.
Our vote: Yay and hooray!
Nesli e Alice Paba (Do retta a te)
On the first day this one was presented by Francesco Totti, which was the highlight of this number. The rest is a very sad story. Will someone get the lady some cough syrup?
Our vote: Nay. But we’ll gladly welcome Totti to Kyiv.
Best shag me-hair in this competition, and we’ll gladly accept that invitation. The first half of song is not half bad, and we hope Fabrizio wins only so that Ferragamo can design him a new suit.
Our vote: Y…ay.
Giusy Ferreri “Fatalmente male”
Another foxy lady. Where do the Italians hide these the rest of the time? Do they only come out once a year? This one is a little scary, though, so we might need Marco Mengoni to hold our hand. What a sad excuse.
Our vote: Absolutely yay. She’ll be able to scare the living shit out of Putin this one and we might need it.
Gigi D’Alessio “La prima stella”
Half way through this song we pressed pause and did some online grocery shopping. Not a great sign.
Our vote: Yawn. AKA nay.
Raige e Giulia Luzi: “Togliamoci la voglia”
Seriously cool couple in seriously cool outfits. Who doesn’t want that chemistry and who doesn’t want to wear Tuscany? Fun rock song, and we love that they sing the whole thing together, which is usually our strategy. Also, their rap thing actually works.
Our vote: Yay and then some!
Yeah, Signora Prada wouldn’t love this one either. And neither do we. This is where you binge on grappa only in order to survive.
Our vote: And that would be a nay
Not exactly impressed by Ermal’s tonal register, as this song consists of a maximum of three different notes. Also he has the worst eyebrow piercing we’ve seen after 1992. Seriously disturbing.
Our vote: Nay
Lodovica Comello “Il cielo non mi basta”
Holy Christ and poor little Virgin Mary. This is so hideous we had to pause it several times to get through it all. If Jude Law, aka The Young Pope, was here now, he would have found this woman a job in Alaska immediately.
Our vote: Nay, nay, nay and a million times more nay. But we’ll take the dress as a souvenir.
Michele Bravi “Il diario degli errori”
Finally some glasses Miucchia would approve after a series of disappointments. The rest is unmentionable.
Our vote: Nay
Paola Turci “Fatti bella per te”
Man, the ladies in this competition! This must be the Italian edition of Patti Smith, and we do approve one hundred per cent of that. Don’t know about that yelling in the background, but the rest is great enough to not make us notice.
Our vote: Another great yay!
Word of advice for this one: If you are trying to look like a tough hip-hop gangster, do not name yourself after a mini fruit. Not impressed by the rest, either. Maybe he should do a study trip to Scampìa together with the Gomorrah crew and come back next year?
Our vote: Nay for now
Now this one looks like he actually has a part in Gomorrah. Gotta love his voice too. And his jacket. We just…Thumbs up! A thousand of them.
Our vote; Con noi a Kyiv? Yay, man.
Alessio Bernabei “Nel mezzo di un applauso”
Someone described this one as the new Marco Mengoni, so our expectations were sky high. Imagine the disappointment. Still a bit of a charmer, though.
Our vote: A tiny, hopeful yay
Chiara Galiazzo “Nessun posto è casa mia”
There’s something about those ladies who are so conscious of the fact that they know how to sing that they just want to stand there forever and give you all the feelings they can think of. That something is called boring. Extraordinarily so.
Our vote: Nay
Francesco Gabbani “Occidentali’s Karma”
And just when you think you are stuck in the worst yawnfest ever, a hot, weird bloke in an orange mohair sweater enters the podium. And he waves his hands over his head! And he makes the orchestra sing “Olé!” And he mentions both Nirvana and Singing in the Rain. And he DANCES WITH KINGKONG? That’s almost too much to take in for a couple of simple ladies like ourselves.
Our vote: Yay yay yay yay yay. We totally love the orange man and heartily welcome him to Kyiv. As long as he brings the monkey.
Michele Zarrillo (Mani nelle mani)
Also announced by Totti, who wasn’t so lucky with his numbers this time. Sweet enough and a good singer, knowing he just came out of kindergarten. His parents must become so sad when he reaches puberty and his voice starts cracking.
Our vote: Nay. Try Junior Eurovision down the hall.
Bianca Atzei “Ora esisti solo tu”
Just another Italian ballad. But it’s got just enough drama, emotion and fervency to pass if you like that kind of things.
Our vote: Barely a nay, but we’ll give her for effort
Marco Masini “Spostato di un secondo”
Message will follow in English: If you’re called almost the same as Marco Mengoni, you cannot show up and sing like that, man. Shame on you. And find a decent barber!
Our vote: Absolutely not. Nay. Now let’s make Italian men great again.
Hello girlies! I have to admit I was disappointed with Sanremo this year. I love Italian music, and so many Sanremo winners like Cocciante, Pooh, Ranieri, Alice Visconti, Matia Bazar and specially Riccardo Fogli… But to see Gabbani winning my favorite song… Seems I suffered a “colpi di fusili”. I know the song is very funny, however, let’s face it, is it possible this entry to keep the same strenght when May comes? As I said to my Brazilian Eurofans, Italy used to be repersented to high quality songs in Eurovision. Now, the country decides to pick an exception.
Saudades de vocês!
Correcting girls: … see Gabbani winning my favorite song constest…
Hi Mandy, thanks for your thoughful comment! We really believe that Italy will walk it this year and win the whole contest. Having racked up 36 milion views and counting on YouTube already is telling of the momentum it has gained. Do you have a favorite of the entries that have been picked so far?
Hi girlies… Last year, I had a (big fat) crush for Poland (AKA Michał Szpak… how you know the whole story, haha). Today, I’d like to wait all the entries to be announcied. 2017 will be a hard year for predictions.
In addition of this, we know “Occidentalli’s Karma” is going to be the most viewed of the year, however, Francesca Michielin was last year (not only in ESC official YouTube) and she didn’t win. Il Volo were considered the favorite two years ago and finished 3rd. I hope Italy slays in May, but I prefer to meet another 20, 22 entries that will take part.
Hi girlies… Last year, I had a (big fat) crush for Poland (AKA Michał Szpak… how you know the whole story, haha). Today, I dare to say there’s no favorite so far. In addition of this, we know “Occidentalli’s Karma” is going to be the most viewed of the year, however, Francesca Michielin was last year (not only in ESC official YouTube) and she didn’t win. Il Volo were considered the favorite two years ago and finished 3rd. I hope Italy slays in May sincerely, but I prefer to meet another 20, 22 entries that will take part. 2017 will be a hard year for predictions.