Breaking news: 17 more songs should have been disqualified by the EBU

agnete
– In Norway we never ever ever do anything wrong. That’s why it’s so disappointing when we lose to people who do. But at least I was photographed by Andres Putting/EBU

Attention! We who sign this article call upon the EBU and Jon Oh-la-la Sand to take action! In this exclusive article, we can now reveal that almost all of the countries in Norway’s semi final plus one more broke the rules in various ways. We can reveal that EBU does not take its own rules seriously and is quickly making Eurovision a place of lawlessness. If they had reacted in the right way, Norway’s Agnete would have sailed through to the final in her Arctic Icebreaker. And we all know she probably would have won.

This is outrageous beyond words and we now demand that around 10 – 20 countries must be banned from participating in ESC next year. We have launched several petitions on change.org and will most definitely have a word with EBU as soon as signatures start flooding in.

Read this truly shocking list and weep:

Albania: Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

One of the very basic rules of EBU is that the song shouldn’t have been performed on a Eurovision stage before. The EBU can’t deny knowing about this one. We all saw Fairytale on that stage in Moscow in 2009. As Norwegians we particularly do not appreciate Albania exploiting one of the most sacred moments of our history and turning it into dreadfulness. We expect the EBU reference group to decide on severe punishment for this blasphemy on their reference group meeting in June.

Australia: Dami Im – Sound of Silence

Another basic rule of EBU is that the participants should be members of Europe. Sleep well on that one, SBS.

Belarus: IVAN – Help you fly

Also, the EBU demands that the song is performed live, and not by some random, naked hologram. Not even a manbun could have saved Belarus from that one. Also, you might not have noticed that IVAN is an acronym. It is short for the new, very secret organisation for more live animals on European stages. Not to be supported.

belgium green room ebu andres putting
– I just found abnormally low pore pressure where fluids are drained like in a depleted hydrocarbon reservoir. Yay! Pic by EBU/Andres Putting

Belgium: Laura Tesoro – What’s the Pressure

All human Eurovision rights lawyers know that there is one thing EBU cannot tolerate in Eurivison, and that would be songs about the life of oil geologists. Why, then, oh why did they accept this one? Do they not know pressure is what those geologists occupy themselves with 24 – 7?

Bulgaria: Poli Genova – If Love Was a Crime

We all know love is a crime for many people around this world. The fact that Poli addresses this, should be severely provocative for countries like Russia, Belarus, Azerbaijan, Serbia and Lithuania. It cannot be tolerated by the EBU.

Denmark: LIghthouse X – Soldiers of love

Did EBU even consider that this song is about the fundamentally traumatic history of Denmark colonizing Norway? And the fact that it clearly relates to the present situation? We know for a fact that Denmark wants to march into our beloved country again as they are dying to get their hands on our oil money, and one of these singers is already a skiing instructor in our prime skiing resort, mind you. We support our cultural minister in her statement that Denmark should be banned from this contest if they cannot keep their soldiers away.

F.Y.R. Macedonia: Kaliopi – Dona

Haven’t we learned anything from the Cake To Bake incident in Copenhagen? We know for a fact that EBU had to close the window on more songs about pastries and other delicacies containing gluten after Latvia caused a storm of controversy singing about this sensitive topic. We dare not to think about the ordeals people with coeliac disease had to suffer through listening to this song about donuts.

georgia semi final 2 ebu andres putting
– EuroClub, here we come! Pic by EBU/Andres Putting

Georgia: NIka Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

That funky lightning wasn’t able to fool us. We saw that there were at least 8 people on that stage. And the EBU only allows for 6, as we all know. What a bunch of cheaters. No wonder they were thrown out of EuroClub.

Greece: Argo – Utopian Land

A couple of years ago the EBU made a new rule stating that Greece shouldn’t be able to participate again without Kostas Martakis. They cannot even hide behind a shirtless dancer. Behave! Now!

ireland semi-final 2 ebu
– Come on, sun, get closer to me. It is good for my Irish skin. Pic by EBU/Anna Velikova

Ireland: Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

If the EBU thinks this song does not have political content, they are more naive than first anticipated. The lyrics talk about the joys of standing out in the sunlight forever. Clearly, it is advocating for global warming. You didn’t think Nicky Byrne entered this contest because he knew how to sing, did you?

Israel: Hovi Star – Made of Stars

We call upon the EBU to put the foot down against heresy. It is scientifically proved that the body consists of around 70% water. So the remaining 30% are stars? Yeah, right!

justs grand final ebu andres putting
– What, do you mean, “Disqualified”? Pic by EBU/Andres Putting

Latvia: Justs – Heartbeat

Latvia suddenly showing up with cutting edge, modern songs is rather disturbing. Before we know it we’ll back in Riga in no time! The thought of going to a safe, friendly and above all cheap city for Eurovision is nothing less than unbearable. Somebody stop this travesty from happening, like right now!

Lithuania: Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting for This Night

This is not a song and a real artist is not performing it. We rest our case.

Poland: Michal Szpak – Color of Your LIfe

Spelling your lyrics in American English? A big no-no. Sorry, honey, you’re out!

Serbia: Sanja Vučić ZAA – Goodbye (Shelter)

It should not be allowed to confuse people with calling your act Sanja Vučić – ZAA, then showing up sans the ZAA. We guess we’ll never find out what the ZAA is now. Not managing to settle on a song title is also just cause for disqualification. Goodbye would have been fine. Shelter would have been fine too. But Goodbye (Shelter), really?

slovenia semi final 2 ebu andres putting
– Sergey Bubka, is that you? Pic by EBU/Andres Putting

Slovenia: ManuElla – Blue and Red

This year, we all learned that the EBU doesn’t allow any politics in this contest whatsoever. Well, they missed this one. After all blue and red are the very colors of politics.

Switzerland: Rykka – Last of our Kind

We’re pretty sure having smoke coming out of your bum, while having blue hair and act as you desperately have to pee throughout the full performance is against at least one rule in the EBU guidelines.

– The EBU still refuses to disqualify Jamala. Not even after serious complaints from the Russian fashion police related to this picture. By Thomas Hanses/EBU
The EBU still refuses to disqualify Jamala. Not even after serious complaints from the Russian fashion police related to this picture by Thomas Hanses/EBU

 

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