What we noticed in the jury final

Cyprus Anna Vellkova
– Oh, just marching for peace in the Nagorno-Karabakh area. Those Armenian and Azeri contestants are two fine ladies, after all. Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU

The jury final just ended and we have been watching it in the press center like proper journalists. Although the stuck up Swedes made us sit in the fan area like not so proper journalists, but you know, they did the same with Ralph Siegel.

The jury final is the second last dress rehearsal, but also the one that is broadcasted to the juries for them to allocate their points. Unless they choose to broadcast it on Periscope instead, that is. We have summed it up for you:

Belgium: Don’t worry if you, like us, have a tendency to show up a little late in the arena. This is easily missed.

Czech Republic: There has been no change of hobby lately. She still stands there.

– I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU

The Netherlands: Douwe changed his lyrics in the end from brother to sister. Really happy he decided to reach out to his two female fans in the audience. We love you too, hon!

Azerbaijan: A Norwegian music critic got in major feminist trouble for calling this singer a bodacious little babe. We support that. After all, her parents should have taught her to sing and stay away from the fire instead.

Hungary: Apparently Freddie only sang in the shower until recently. We are hereby putting Nicky Byrne on that diet. Did not pull up his shirt this time. Too bad, jury.

Italy: Seemed a little nervous and hit a few bad notes. But at least there was no crotch gate. In a country of world-class fashion designers, we cannot for the sake of Ferragamo’s honour understand the use of those overalls.

Israel: Hovi says that we are all made of stars. We wonder if he means the Star of David? If so, count us out.

Bulgaria: Poli looks like the lovechild of Cruella de Ville and Morpheus, which is pretty cool. We’re shaving off the hair of half our heads first thing on Monday if she wins tomorrow.

France Anna Vellkova
Look! My hands are larger than Donald Trump’s! Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU

Sweden: The only Nordic country left. One would think that would have feeded Frans just a little bit more energy.

Germany: We didn’t catch this one since we discovered we were sitting right next to Ralph Siegel in the press center. Star struck! He got up and left halfway through. Bad sign for Jamie-Lee.

France: Did some great singing, both in French and English and it looked good on TV in the press center, where we also heard the loudest applause so far. Three little words: Please marry us!

Poland: Great singing here too, although a little squeaky in the end, which might have hurt his chances with the juries just a little. Then again he is a man of the people. They’ll never forget the day they almost caught Michal Szpak.

Australia: This lady keeps showing up on our winning radar. Has a glittery box on stage. Perhaps there’s where they hide all the kangaroos?

We hate to be stating the obvious, but that is actually red. Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU
Well, we hate to be stating the obvious, but that is actually red. Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU

Cyprus: It stands to be noted that Ralph Siegel rushed into the viewing room again the minute Francois started singing. Great performance by these blokes tonight. After losing the chance to give fashion advice to Belarus, we are really happy Francois took us up on our eyeliner advice. Maybe Chris the drummer can show up with a manbun tomorrow?

Serbia: We did not know Nina Sublatti had a twin in Beograd. They both have lank hair. Don’t they know this is prohibited by the EBU? Unless you’re Thomas G:son that is.

Lithuania: For next year, Scandinavia will learn from the Lithuanians and build up a major diaspora all over Europe. Should save us few more spots in the final.

Croatia: Cranberries called. They want their vocalist back. Please return to 1997 immediately.

Russia: If Bob the builder knew how to sing, he would be called Sergey the climber. More things happen during these three minutes than has happened on stage during the entire Eurovision history of France.

Spain: It is seriously impressive to stand and wiggle your feet like we all do every single night in EuroClub and make it appear as though you made your own very interesting choreography. Say nay to that.

Note to self: Do never ever trust Switzerland! Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU

Latvia: The times they certainly are a-changing when Latvia is cutting edge modern and Ireland is stale and old fashion. That’s why Justs is in the final and Nicky loverboy is moaning about bloc voting in the newspaper right now.

Ukraine: Biggest applause so far in the press center. We suppose a lot of fans would prefer another destination to Moscow next year, and Kiev would of course be a whole lot better. So peaceful and quiet.

Malta: Yeah, this is where we started focusing on Ralph Siegel again. What a fascinating fellah.

Georgia: Only performed once in this dress rehearsal, unfortunately. But that was more than enough to get us in party mode. Also Nika did his best singing so far, which shouldn’t be thanks to all the time he spends in the smoking booth of Globen.

Georgia Anna Vellkova
– I wonder what’s for dinner tonight. I am so sick of köttbullar by now Pic by Anna Vellkova/EBU

Austria: We suddenly remembered the Austrian is still here. Major bummer moment. Seemed pretty nervous, which affected her performance. Shouldn’t be due to lack of rehearsals, as she keeps bellowing out all the French words she learned in school in EuroClub every single night. We noticed Ralph shrugging. Could be because he doesn’t speak French.

United Kingdom: We couldn’t really concentrate on this one since we desperately tried to see if any of the 378 selfies we emailed BBC had made it on to the scenography.

Armenia: Must be so cold in her bathing suit, as she keeps lightning bonfires onstage. We suspect a whole lot of male journalists voted to get her through to the final, as she also shows up in that bathing suit in the press conference.

Bonus track:

Contrary to what Norwegian media seem to think, Norway actually did make it to the final. Well sort of anyway. We can reveal that two Norwegians will show up in the Grand Final tomorrow: Alexander Rybak and Sir Jon Ola Sand. We’re like empty bottles you know, showing up everywhere.

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