First impressions from the first dress rehearsal of the first semi-final

Yay, we just attended the first dress rehearsal for the first semi-final and it is shaping up to be a fabulous show. Here’s our first impressions for you:

01 Finland Sandhja Sing It Away

We keep mixing this up with the Spanish song. Which is not a good sign in our book. Backing singers are sweeping the floor with their microphone stands. Hope they get paid by SVT.

02 Greece Argo Utopian Land

Those who think this won’t qualify are seriously deluded. Sporting steaming hot bloke who rips his shirt off towards the end. Opa!

03 Moldova Lidia Isac Falling Stars

We know we are entering into our final week psychosis when we look at each other in nodding approval for the Moldovan entry. If we can’t have Laika the lonely dog in space in Eurovision, at least we can have a hot cosmonaut doing a summersault on stage.

04 Hungary Freddie Pioneer

Stands on what appears to be a perfectly marbled entrecote, which is pretty great because we love a good steak! He’s quite beefy too, come to think of it. We’ll take him medium rare, thank you. Yum!

05 Croatia Nina Kraljić Lighthouse

Nina has snaffled most of the fabric this year, not leaving much for the rest of the female artists. Place this gal out on a skerry and the ship traffic should be safe.

06 The Netherlands Douwe Bob Slow Down

Watch out for an awkwardly long moment of silence in this number. Not sure how this will work out. Could this be the sound of silence Australia is singing about? And why couldn’t Austria or Azerbaijan pause their songs for about three minutes instead? So many questions, so few answers.

07 Armenia Iveta Mukuchyan LoveWave

This song goes like this: shout, shout, shout. Screeching ethnic instruments. Shout, shout, shout. Wears swimming suit.

08 San Marino Serhat I Didn’t Know

The second purple suit this night, which can only happen in Eurovision. Channeling Studio 54 realness. We hope they manage to keep their clothes on in tomorrow’s semi-final

09 Russia Sergey Lazarev You Are The Only One

Russia is everything and the kitchen sink, and that is all fabulous. But it is a bit hard to keep track of everything Sergey manages to do in just around three minutes, at least for those over 30. Procrastination never reached Moscow it seems.

10 Czech Republic Gabriela Gunčíková I Stand

Czech Republic likes to stand upright and sing a little song about it. We all have our hobbies, we guess.

11 Cyprus Minus One Alter Ego

Cyprus had a truly magnificent rehearsal and does not deserve to be locked behind bars. For a moment there the red lightning made it look like Francois was wearing a red ball gown, but that’s nothing to worry about as he still was the most macho guy on stage this evening. Maybe he should even consider a costume change for one of Armenia’s bathing suits to level with the rest of the blokes?

12 Austria ZOË Loin d’ici

Austria is still in love with herself. We will file a complaint for breaking the EBU rules as this seems to last for at least 20 minutes. What did the backdrop designers smoke and where can we get it?

13 Estonia Jüri Pootsmann Play

Estonia stopped being able to utter one single English word and began to mumble worse than Danish people after 10 Carlsberg. May we suggest a little focus on diction before tomorrow’s big final and not so many drinks in Euroclub tonight?

14 Azerbaijan Samra Miracle

Azerbaijan is not worth noticing this year, but it is kind of hard not to, as they set their level of pyro, lightning and screaming to a maximum. Apparently their money for the vocal coach disappeared along with that oil money.

15 Montenegro Highway The Real Thing

Montenegro’s Highway turned the number of decibels to a maximum and then some, which was highly appreciated. They are such a tight, skilled band and really deserves a place in the final. Which is why they probably won’t get it.

16 Iceland Greta Salóme Hear Them Calling

Apparently Iceland was on, but it was so dark we couldn’t actually see it.

17 Bosnia & Herzegovina Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner and Jala Ljubav Je

Bosnia & Herzegovina has a post card from a bar, which is kind of fun as they actually beat each other up in one. We like their bad ass rapper and the fact that they have a Balkan ballad, unlike no one else this year.

18 Malta Ira Losco Walk On Water

Malta still opens with squeaking seagulls. Who decided it was a good idea to include a bird that regularly takes a dump on people’s heads in Eurovision and might we have a word?

Bonus track:

France Amir J’ai cherché

France’s Amir got to perform in this semi final and he did great. Yesterday he tried to tell us he is a regular guy that doesn’t know how to dance and isn’t the best singer, but just wants to show up and be himself. That is not even a nice try when we all know he has zero spaghetti arms, the best backward bend in Eurovision for like ever and the voice of a superstar. There is no regular whatsoever when you are yourself, hon. Bliss.