Finally. It’s the one time of year when we get to focus on the most important thing in our life: Who is the best-looking bloke in Eurovision?
The jury had a hard time this year. There were a lot of great applications, and many argued their case well, which once again reminded us what a great year 2016 is for fabulousness. In the end we just had to share a bottle of pinot and get down to business. The jury has taken the following criteria into consideration: looks, charm, style, shaggability, social skills, likelihood of showing up in Euroclub and the ability to wear clothes while being surrounded by highly dangerous animals. Other than that, we have followed the strict EBU guidelines, of course, allowing gay flags, but not at all relating to any kind of politics. Everybody knows those politicians are boring anyway.
First a few horable mentions:
- Jala from Bosnia & Herzegovina: We gladly admit to having a weak spot for bad boys. But you know, they can’t be that bad. Not knocking-down-your-band-members-bad. Behave, man, or you get zero points from us.
- IVAN from Belarus: Very tall and that. One thing, though: Do not bring a living wild animal to a party man, that is seriously uncool. Remember next time: We are always watching.
- Denmark’s Johannes Nymark: He looks really swell and all that, but then we remembered an Arne Jacobsen chair looks sweller. Not easy to compete with the best of what your country has to offer.
And then the real candidates, starting at the bottom, which is still really good this year!
1 point goes to Estonia’s Jüri Pootsmann
Estonia serves up another blast from the past and mind you, Jüri ain’t got all night as he probably has to return to the 60s before the clock strikes midnight. We do have a weak spot for dashing young men who play it like they mean business. There’s only 1 point to spare though as he just as well might be mistaken for a bewildered exchange student from Estonian Business School trying to mix in with the brat pack at Stureplan.
2 points go to Sweden’s Frans
If you are too young to have a beer in a bar you are definitely too young to make the cut on our hotlist, but for Frans we’ll make an exception. We’re thinking if the thirties are the new twenties then the teens can also be the new twenties and then we’d be the same age, right? Oh, never mind. Suffice to say we’re charmed by Frans’ confident swagger.
3 points go to Montenegro’s Bojan Jovovic
You all know we are rock chicks to the bone and this year no one rocks harder than Highway. That instantly qualifies for a spot on our hotlist, but since most of the band members are underage and we’re old enough to be their…. big sisters, we had a hard time picking the worthy winner of our 3 points. After ruling out the possibility of awarding our points to the band’s hot composer, we settled for Bojan Jovovic. After all he participated in Eurovision in 2005 and surely must be out of high school by now. We are desperately trying to erase the memories of No Name’s beige apocalypse on stage in Kiev, thinking at least Bojan has some experience under his belt, which is always welcome.
4 points go to Poland’s Michal Szpak
Did have a few doubts about this one. After all major rootlifts are not exactly an instant qualifier in this pageant. But then again, this guy has got some serious style, which is highly appreciated, of course. His selection of leather jackets alone is enough for him to make the cut, really. And today he showed up in a leather vest in silver! We just…Hello hotlist!
5 points go to Ireland’s Nicky Byrne
This bloke would have nailed top 3 in 1998, of course, and we owe our teenage history a few points to Nicky. He is such a boyband dream come true in his jeans jacket and mean look and hair draped in Elnett. And we have a certain connection with boybands after spending a day with A1 a few years ago. We are planning on printing out all of Nicki’s promotional photos and hanging them all over our bedroom wall now, just before we write him a letter and ask him to sign our school diary. Coming up: How to dress like Posh Spice and not look a day over 20.
6 points go to Russia’s Sergey Lazarev
The finest specimen of Slavic men we yet have had the pleasure of encountering comes nicely wrapped in the form of Sergey. He sure meets nothing but nodding approval in the Good Evening Europe HQ. He is clearly a man of many talents, yet his humble attitude and likable demeanour proves that he has his feet firmly on the ground. Perhaps he’d pick up a couple of extra points being more of a badass, but then again without the bad there’s just an ass left, so why not stick with being Mr Nice Guy.
7 points go to Cyprus’ Francois Micheletto
Prior to awarding Francois some well deserved points, we needed to host a national final as we easily could have chucked in a few more of the guys from Minus One on our list. But EBU’s very strict rules only allows for one man from each country on hotlists and we have to admit Francois had a pretty easy win in the end. In fact, with looks like his he was set to win the whole pageant, but then he started posting about his potted plants on Facebook and reminded us a tiny tad too much about our mothers, who by the way are great fans of his. Sadly, both of those are major fails for a rock musician in our book. Still is a tiny tad sexier than our mums and has a much more appealing howl, that we can’t wait to encounter in Euroclub.
8 points go to Hungary’s Freddie
Ok, we admit it; we have a thing for those hot Magyars, or perhaps they have a thing for us since they keep popping up on our hotlist year after year, occupying most of the high scoring slots. Hard to tell! The major hotness alarm went off as soon as Freddie showed up on our pre-selection radar and boy, it’s still ringing. He has it all from a perfectly shaped jar line and seductive eyes to a picture perfect toned torso. And behind that rough exterior we sense there is a real good guy with family friendly values; we bet he has never done anything illegal his entire life! Which is of course a bit boring and keeps him for cashing in on biggest points from the GEE jury.
10 points go to France’s Amir Haddad
Shuffling the top two rankings in this significant contest has been a rather painful experience. Safe to say, Amir is the most charming guy in Eurovision after Knight Gianluca of Malta. In fact, he has turned out to be highly addictive. We keep checking our Snapchat every other minute like crazy teenagers just to get our daily fix of French-Israeli charm. We can’t imagine what it must be like for Amir to be in the same city as us, really, let alone in the same Euroclub. Poor thing. But lucky us, of course.
12 points go to The Netherlands’ Douwe Bob
Then again, Douwe has the softest voice in Eurovision since Marco Mengoni. Add his promises of bourbon, ability to tackle the meanest of stallions and a pretty intriguing rose tattoo and that winning part was easy. Has some kind of bad boy image that comes across as more than an act. Also, dressing in purple without looking like Dolly Parton is kind of an accomplishment. As is hosting a bar in the middle of Eurovision rehearsals. He still needs to prove that it is a real thing, though, and not just something he uses to pick up chicks and hunks on the Internet.
We’ll keep watch for the next week or so.