Growing up, we spent quite some time in Stockholm, it being the closest we could get to civilization in addition to Oslo. We mostly remember freezing our asses off while walking from art museum to art museum with our parents. But you know, we stayed in touch and now we can’t wait to get there.
Are you heading for Stockholm or already there? Here’s what to expect, from A to Z (and no, we are not paid to write this):
August Strindberg: If you only want to know one Swedish playwright it is this one, as the Swedes tend to think he is equal to Shakespeare and Ibsen. In Stockholm, you can see his house Blå Tornet, from where he wrote several books about how much he hated women. Make sure to notice the closet he never quite came out of.
Bakis: Some people swear to meat balls, but we’d say Bakis is our favourite Swedish delicacy. Take two of those pills before you go to bed and wake up with zero hangover. Bakis is the sole reason all Eurovision finals should be hosted in Sweden from now on. Frans, can you hear us?
Cold: Something we constantly find ourselves to be in Stockholm, as there is constant wind from the ice cold Baltic Sea. Remember to bring a jacket. And if you forget, you can always ask the Polish delegation if they have a spare one. Or go shopping. Swedish fashion includes everything from Acne to Tiger of Sweden to H&M. Get it all in NK.
Daniel: The Prince of Sweden and Duke of Vestergötaland, who married Crown Princess Victoria after being her “personal trainer” for a while. Cried a lot during his wedding speech and presented the news of their newlyborn by saying there was “a lot of feelings all over the place”. We love Prince Daniel. Almost as much as Marco Mengoni.
Estelle: The aforementioned baby. Never mind the royal babies of UK (Joe and Jake, is it?). Estelle is the most badass Princess around. She is 4 years old and goes to an outdoors kindergarten. Meaning she stays outside. All year round. In Stockholm, that’s almost like crossing the Antarctic every single day during winter. And if that wasn’t enough, she hangs out with Charlotte Perelli’s son while there. We gather they will be onstage in Melodifestivalen very soon with the new song to Frost the sequel.
Folkungagatan: A street famous for everything that is south of it. Meaning the district of SoFo, that is so hipster a satire was named after it. Which made it unhipster immediately, of course. The Dutch contestant Douwe Bob promises to open a bar there. It is called PSB and we’re hoping he’ll pour some decent bourbon (or preferably rye for those over 30), but so far he has only invited Eurovision artists over. As if they would vote for him.
Gothenburg: Is another city. Forget about it.
Hornstull: The trendiest area of Stockholm, where you now meet all hipsters, vegans, second hand lovers and organic growers. The GEE girls have a flat there during Eurovision of course. You are all invited for a cale smoothie in between rehearsals. And don’t miss the Horstull market on weekends.
Islands: There are a lot of great places around the archipelago. Check out this guide and go for a trip!
Jämtland and Herjedalen: The areas the Swedes stole from Norway as the colonizers they truly are. Wants to be independent and even have their own president, who is famous for grand entries on elephants and in airships when giving public speeches. We think they should be allowed to participate in Eurovision soon. More great entries for you and more neighbour votes for us. Win win.
Karl Gustaf: That would be the King himself, who turned 70 the other day. Has some shady hobbies. No further comments.
Lars Winnerbäck: one of Sweden’s best and most accomplished artists. No connection with Eurovision whatsoever, of course.
Museums: Tons of great museums, of course. But why go anywhere else than the ABBA museum? Their current exhibition is called Good Evening Europe -– named after us, of course.
Nöjesbladet: the entertainment section of the Swedish tabloid Aftonbladet, also known as the bible for all Melodifestivalen fans. As we all know Eurovision is the fastest growing religion in Sweden.
Olof Palme: A former Swedish prime minister who was brutally murdered in the 80s. We are still looking for the killer all over Scandinavia, and a common question to ask each other is “Who shot Olof Palme?”. But we’ll leave that question during Eurovision sesaon.
Party Swedes: That’s what Norwegians call hunky Swedes who excel in the art of waiting tables, drinking and sleeping around for a few years before heading off to Thailand. All the best of those are in Oslo, all the rest is in Stureplan. A very shady area of Stockholm, that.
Queen Silvia: She is a dream come true for everyone who worships botox. But never mind her. Everybody knows the true Queen of Sweden is Petra Mede.
Roxette: A band Swedes are really, really proud of for some reason. Do not check out.
Skarsgård: Our favorite Swedish family. They are all a bunch of hawt actors and you might have seen father Stellan in Pirates of the Caribbean or oldest brother Alexander in True Blood. Our favourite is Gustaf, however. And what do you know? He lives in Stockholm and is one of the capital’s top 10 must-sees.
Taxi: There are tons of taxi companies in Stockholm and prices are not regulated. Make sure you choose the ones with meters and yellow number plate, and avoid the mafia. Or go public transport.
Underground: Up and running in Stockholm too. If you hear a familiar voice while on it, that is just Måns Zelmerlöw doing his day job.
Vodka: The Swedes are famous for their Absolute Vodka. Which is absolute bad. Go Russian.
Water: Lots of that in Stockholm. If Ira Losco can teach you how to walk on it, you could get really fast from A to B.
X: Such an annoying letter, that the Swedes don’t want anything to do with.
Ystad: Where Frans and Kurt Wallander hail from. Word is born that the city of Ystad is planning a combined hop on hop off bus tour where avid Eurovision fans and Henning Mankell connoisseurs can join forces on their hunt for Frans’ crime scenes and Wallander’s secret hangouts where he makes out with the girls. Or wait, was it the other way around? Sounds like fun tough, sign us up!
Zlatan: A Swedish football player. The Swedes are really proud of him. Probably because Frans wrote him a song once.