10 reasons to love Poland. And 10 reasons not to

As close as we GEE girls might seem to be in our common goal of Eurovisionizing the world by digging up the gold, trashing the trash in carefully selected recycle bins and putting all the glamour we can find on the finest display available, we do hit a few bumps along the road. Like Poland this year:

When we first heard it, we were both in total shock, desperately trying to comfort each other while screaming THIS IS SO BAD, WTF IS GOING ON IN POLAND THESE DAYS? WHERE IS MARCIN MROZÍNSKI WHEN YOU NEED HIM? Then we listened to it for a while longer and it grew on us and we were like WOW, THIS SO COOL, HOW THE F DID WARZAW BECOME THE NEW HIPSTER TOWN? CAN SOMEONE CALL WILLIAMSBURG?

Then we were massively confused for a second before the inevitable happened: There was a total breakdown in the GEE jury, leaving us on opposite sides of the love/hate scale, forever scowling at each other across the Facebook chat, trying to convince the inconvincible. How typical of Poland to create such drama.

There’s nothing to do other than giving you a split vote, really. We give you 10 reasons to love the Polish entry. And 10 reasons not to.

10 reasons to love the Polish entry:

  1. Michał has more voluminous hair than we could ever dream of achieving, even with all the hair products in the world at our disposal, which is seriously impressive for a person with a certain amount of testosterone in his body
  2. Michał presents a strong power ballad, which we haven’t seen since the end of last century. What a fabulous reunion this will be in the city that gave us Joey Tempest!
  3. There is so much pathos here. Can we ever get enough pathos in Eurovision?
  4. Michał looks like a tough, hard-core rocker, but when he sings, he is the softest fellow that ever had his heart broken in the city of St. Petersburg. How adorable!
  5. Oh, and we all know what it is like to be let down by the Russians. We feel you, man.
  6. There will be key change.
  7. Clearly, Michał needs some love and colour in his life. Aren’t we always glad to help in that department?
  8. Michał seems to be Poland’s edition of Meat Loaf, which makes us fairly certain that he won’t do THAT.
  9. Michał once won the Golden Samovar, which should be an instant qualifier for the Eurovision final, as long as he remembers to bring it.
  10. Michał defeated Edyta Górniak, which saved us for yet another geriatric patient from the alumni club in this year’s final. For that, he deserves a big, shiny medal. And at least two more golden samovars.

10 reasons to hate the Polish entry:

  1. Michał has more voluminous hair than we could ever dream of achieving, even with all the hair products in the world at our disposal, which is seriously disqualifying for a man.
  2. Likewise we need to take a firm stand against men stealing our make-up. Leave our eyeliner alone, would you please?
  3. How can you trust a man with the life motto “Be yourself, whatever it takes” when he obviously rather be Jack Sparrow?
  4. Michał just murdered ironic distance, and we hate him for it.
  5. For the sake of all that’s holy, and that appears to be A LOT in Poland, who needs to know what colour your life is?
  6. Michał seems to be an unearthly creature with a divine voice, whispering his song softly into people’s ears like a light summer breeze. Eww, that’s just creepy.
  7. Michał defeated Edyta Górniak in the national final, AND some random chick we never heard of before who couldn’t sing, but had total banger of a song, leaving the fanboys completely gutted. Oh wait, that’s actually a good thing come to think of it.
  8. Our own country might actually end up giving points to this travesty, given the fact that a good portion of Poland’s population currently lives in Norway. We wonder who’s actually left in Poland and voted in the national final.
  9. For someone who already won the Golden Samovar, participating in ESC must be a total turnoff. We simply don’t think Michał is motivated enough.
  10. Most importantly: Michał is not Marcin Mrozínski. And WHERE IS Marcin Mrozínski?

 

szpak_hires19
“I am totally nailing this staring at your own balls-look”

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