Austria far from Paradise


There seems to be a massive Babylonian confusion going on in the United Nations of Eurovision this year. Not only does Ukraine mix English and Russian into an incomprehensible mess about Crimean Tatars that could have been interesting, but also countries like FRANCE blend in some English for bad measure.

And don’t get us started on Italy. ITALY’s artist Francesca Michielin actually threatens to sing in English to get more respect. Yeah, we guess if your mother tongue is considered the most beautiful in the world, the one every single opera singer learns because Verdi and Puccini will accept no less from their graves, it makes sense to scrap it. Or not. Just listen to the very few songs Marco Mengoni translates and know that you are very wrong, signora.

So, what’s up? Are we moving slowly towards the dreaded Europanto? Is this is a sign of Europe finally being fully united just in time for the European Union to fall apart because of the only country where they actually speak English? In any case, we do not approve. And when Austria showed up in French, we immediately reported it to the European Court of Justice. Something has to been done. Very fast. Jean-Claude Juncker, can you hear us?

Anyway. We don’t know why Austrian Zöe sings in French. Maybe she spent a truly magnificent year as an au pair in Paris and wanted to show off. Or maybe it is due to the fact that her only lyrics seem so be “searching for paradise in a country far away” and she figured no one would notice if she translated them into a totally incomprehensible language. Well, that does not work for us.

Also, we figure Zöe missed her fellow Conchita’s message about being yourself. Because clearly, Zöe wants to be Vanessa Paradis. What a very bad idea indeed. First of all, Johnny Depp has moved on, so there’s nothing to get there anymore. Second, Vanessa never won Eurovision, and that’s what matters here. If you want to be someone from the 1980s, at least have the decency to be Sandra Kim.

Last, but not least, Zöe has fine little tune going for her. or at least, she seems to think so herself. And for that she must be tripping real bad. Guess that explains the huge flowers and the crazily annoying string instruments.

Sorry to say, but this one is not unstoppable. Far from it. Just keep Joe le taxi waiting outside Globen during the first semi, chéri. Au revoir. Et bon voyage au paradis.

zoe2
In Austria, this is the most common way to hide pimples on your forehead. Watch and learn.

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