MGP 2016: Taking stock

Holy cannoli, what just happened last night? That’s it then, after a string of fine entries placing us nicely on the left-handside of the ESC scoreboard, Norway officially lost the plot when selecting Agnete and her rather gloomy mash-up. Don’t blame us, we sent our televotes elsewhere, which was of course a waste of money. Can we please send Åse Kleveland instead? So while mentally preparing for what it will be like not to proceed from the semi-final in Stockholm, let’s take stock of the shenanigans that went down in Oslo Spectrum.

The wonderful planet named Eurovision. The gift that keeps on giving.

Most obvious wasted opportunity:

The very year Europe was ready to embrace a lesbian art collective singing about a dog in space, Norway decided NOT to send Laika to Stockholm.

Honorable mention for singing in perfect pitch, one halftone too low:
Stage Dolls’ Torstein Flakne. Uncongratulations to the sucker who fucked up the monitor.

Best product placing:
Stine Hole Ulla, belting out her Disney tune with her feet firmly placed into a cracked Freia chocolate orange.

Most awkward sideboobs:
Don’t get us wrong, we salute Makeda’s wicked outfit, we only just wish she could have avoided getting her boobs mammographed with that transparent top two sizes too small.

Winner of the E-Type lookalike competition:
Pegasus’ lead singer, Tommy or Ronny. Please go back to the 90s where you belong.

E-Type is that you?

The whitest boy alive ever to try and sound like he’s born and raised in Jamaica:

Freddy Kalas, obviously. Thankfully he didn’t win, but we bet we’ll see him again on the next season of Dancing With the Stars where he’ll shed 25 pounds and secure the tabloids something to write about, while he laugh checking his bank balance.

Biggest surprise:

Laila Samuels, who turned out not to be half bad and quite Eurovision worthy after all.

Most forgettable performance:
That girl we can’t remember the name of, singing a song we couldn’t recall a fraction of even if our lives depended on it. We probably went to the loo when this one was on.

The underage section:
We recommend the children in Suite 16 to finish high school and learn how to sing on key first before entering MGP again.

Best potential use of staircase on stage:
We thought Agnete did a runner when she disappeared for a few seconds walking down the stairs. Imagine our disappointment when she reappeared and continued to belt out her tuneless dirge.

I need a aids breaker, nanana, holy water. Dafuq?

Most annoying person ever:
Jan Fredrik Karlsen, who must have fallen into a speed casserole when he was little. Jeez, enough already!

Ok, then! That’s Norway for you ‘all. Let’s focus on what goes on elsewhere in Europe from now on. Like the fabulous Freddie winning in Hungary and singlehandedly saving our weekend. This bodes well for the months ahead, so bring it on!

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