Hurrah, with bells on! The Grand Final is only hours away, and we’re ironing our Italian flags this very moment. Here’s our guide to help you cast your votes tonight, and go easy on the bubbles until Italy has had the chance to sing. Have a blast, y’all!
1. Slovenia: Here For You by Maraaya
Apparently Maraaya enters the stage with headsets on in order to soothe their nerves. We totally get it. We also listen to Il Volo in times of need.
2. France: N’oubliez Pas by Lisa Angell
We heard the people of France didn’t approve of Lisa because she was old and fat, which she totally isn’t. Maybe they mistook her for Marine Le Pen?
3. Israel: Golden Boy by Nadav Guedj
We looked up the Halakah. You are not underage when you are 16. Bliss.
4. Estonia: Goodbye To Yesterday by Elina Born & Stig Rästa
We hope they have rehearsed noticing each other. Then this will be ‘swell.
5. United Kingdom: Still In Love With You by Electro Velvet
Is there anything remotely appealing about Bianca Nicholas’ dead eyes and Alex Larke’s awkward goofiness? Eh, no.
6. Armenia: Face The Shadow by Genealogy
We now know the meaning of the word Supergroup: a collection of strong minded people that used to be good, but are totally useless together.
7. Lithuania: This Time by Monika Linkytė and Vaidas Baumila
There’s a kiss. My, how we wish we were in it.
8. Serbia: Beauty Never Lies by Bojana Stamenov
Big girl + glittery frock + fab hair + waving banners + costume change + keychange = everlasting Eurovision Legend status.
9. Norway: A Monster Like Me by Mørland & Debrah Scarlett
This as far as you could get from monsters. Is there a chance they switched songs with Russia?
10. Sweden: Heroes by Måns Zelmerlöw
We heard all hotel rooms in Stockholm are booked up next May due to the annual convention about funny instruments from the Appalachian Mountains. We guess we must settle for Kiruna 2016 then.
11. Cyprus: One Thing I Should Have Done by John Karayiannis
The one thing he should have done is open a bottle of champagne and cheer up a little. Look to Aiya Napa.
12. Australia: Tonight Again by Guy Sebastian
Only in a country turned upside down can yellow skinny jeans be trendy. Performance desperately in need of a giant kangaroo.
13. Belgium: Rhythm Inside by Loïc Nottet
Wins the Way Too Good For Eurovision category hands down. We wonder how Loïc will manage to RAPPPABAB on all his missed homework when he returns home.
14. Austria: I am Yours by The Makemakes
Rule of thumb when you have a bland song: set the piano on fire.
15. Greece: One Last Breath by Maria Elena Kyriakou
Tries to help Maria Elena with her breathing by turning the wind machine on hurricane level directly pointing towards her face. We would recommend an oxygen mask instead.
16. Montenegro: Adio by Knez
We’re totally obsessed about an old man singing an ethnic ballad. Do not mention OUR age.
17. Germany: Black Smoke by Ann Sophie
Judging by Germany’s female Eurovision participants lately we don’t blame you for thinking this must be a country brimming with drop dead gorgeous looking girls with mockney English accents and a certain clumsy charm.
18. Poland: In The Name Of Love by Monika Kuszyńska
For those of you who suddenly felt a certain nicotine surge when Germany sang, take this opportunity to pop out on the balcony for a quick fag.
19. Latvia: Love Injected by Aminata
We’re talking most mesmerizing performance ever by miniature person in toilet paper doll dress.
20. Romania: De La Capat/ All Over Again by Voltaj
Social consciousness is a dish best served warm. Beautifully illustrated by Romania this year.
21. Spain: Amanecer by Edurne
We’ve always wondered what a 3 minute long synopsis of a romance novel would look like on the Eurovision stage. Thank you Spain, for crossing this one off our Eurovision bucket list.
22. Hungary: Wars For Nothing by Boggie
Dullfest alert! Boggie tries her best to end all wars by putting everybody to sleep.
23. Georgia: Warrior by Nina Sublatti
Fuck peace, Hungary, the war is ON!
24. Azerbaijan: Hour Of The Wolf by Elnur Huseynov
Isn’t pulling wild animals out of the natural habitat an environmental crime? Where is PETA when we really need them?
25. Russia: A Million Voices: Polina Gagarina
We are the worst people, Polina sings. At least you got that right, hon!
26. Albania: I’m Alive by Elhaida Dani
The big question at this point will be: will WE still be alive after 26 songs and Elhaida’s vocal goes off the rails and murder the last 30 seconds of her song?
27. Italy: Grande Amore by Il Volo
Start voting now! And then stop! Tonight’s winners have the honor of going on last and will wipe the floor with their dismal competitors. We are ready to board the flight to Italy next year, so buckle up folks!