Semi final 2: All you need to know!

Pew, now that’s a relief! Norway is through to the grand final and we survived the parade of eye candy without obtaining any permanent damage to anything else than our pride perhaps, as we went completely ape in our living rooms when Israel’s Golden Boy was on.

Fortunately, this will be slightly altered for Saturday. We hereby want to thank the president of Azerbaijan for lending us a few bucks and putting in a good word for our excellent ability to act as stand-ins for Lithuanian women in need during demanding acts at Eurovision finals.

This semi-final was much stronger than the first one! On the other hand, it might just be the usual loss of critical sense we tend to develop during the course of the Eurovision finals week starting to kick in. Anyways! Here’s our recap of yesterday’s shenanigans in the Stadthalle:

Lithuania: Cute couple making out in the fairground. Not so subtle message to Putin to piss off with his anti gay laws. Makes perfect sense in Eurovision. FINALIST

Ireland: Not a bodhrán in sight, which is nice for a change, but a word of advice for Molly: looking like you struggle with irritable bowel syndrome won’t score you many points. SENT HOME

San Marino: We figure it must border on child abuse to send those poor kids on stage to tackle this monstrosity. Can somebody please lock up Ralph Siegel for next year? SENT HOME

“Shush, we’re trying to contact the dead to ask them what life was like before Eurovision”

Montenegro: The wizard of the Black Mountains worked his magic, and tata! All of a sudden we joined the Balkan Ballad Appreciation Society. How the heck did that happen? And can someone please pass us the number to Knez’ botox practitioner? Might come in handy for the party pics when hitting Euroclub some 20 years down the line. FINALIST

Malta: Amber soldiered through her sluggish song the best she could; we’ll give her that. Shame the warrior slot in the final was already taken. We highly doubt her suggestive dress slit will get a twitter account anytime soon. SENT HOME

Norway: Fab hair, fab outfits, fab Mørland, fab crescendo. Norwegian newspapers rave on about winning potential, Swedish newspapers refines trash talking the Norwegian entry into an art form. Business as usual in other words. FINALIST

“Wait, wait! Please excuse me for a moment while my leg leaves the stage”

Portugal: Hot rock chick alert! Not everybody can pull off wearing latex to Conchita’s nodding approval, but Leonor Andrade did so effortlessly. If only more straight men voted she could have had a fighting chance. SENT HOME

Czech Republic: Ravens are calling Marta’s name. We kid you not. Seriously having second thoughts about not putting dishy Václav on the top of our hotlist as his raspy voice rubs us in all the right places. Since Marta started to undress on stage before she even finished singing we figure she’s thinking the same. SENT HOME

Israel: We voted for this Golden Boy. Please, don’t tell anyone! FINALIST

“Look at me! I am doing a Marco Mengoni!”

Latvia: Can someone please explain to us how it’s even possible to fit that set of ginormous lungs into such a tiny body? Aminata belted out her tuneless tune like there was no tomorrow, which of course there usually aren’t when it comes to Latvia in Eurovision. We hope the Latvian delegation manages to rebook their tickets home to Riga to Sunday. FINALIST

Azerbaijan: Decided to have the audition round for the Bolshoi Ballet during Elnur’s performance. We think they both got in. FINALIST

Iceland: Oh dear, oh dear. When are you Eurovision people going to understand that it’s not a good idea to send a 9 year old to do a grown woman’s work? Wins the price for worst waste of fabulous aurora borealis backdrop. Loses in all other categories we can possibly think of. SENT HOME

“‘Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter. In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore’. Oh crap, is this not the Edgar Allen Poe pageant 2015?

Sweden: Would be perfect for a TV-commercial for Volvo. And PR-executives, we’re giving you this piece of advice for free, before your company ends up on German hands. FINALIST

Switzerland: We don’t remember anything about this one. SENT HOME

Cyprus: You know the financial crisis has hit hard when the Cypriot broadcaster only could afford to send half their entry in colors. As everything else was low key about this performance, we figure they have saved enough money to participate next year as well. Good call. FINALIST

Slovenia: While the rest of us were grooving to Maraaya’s upbeat number the artists themselves were in fact were listening to German schlagers on their ipods. FINALIST

Poland: Love the disabled! As long as they are not also tone deaf. FINALIST 

One comment

  1. Poor Leonor!! Unfortunatly my vote was not enough to save her. Sending her home, was injustice at its finest!
    About Switzerland, I will remember her for the first place in my beauty pagenat of ESC 2015 (even better than Nina, and that speaks volume :))
    Agree with you about Poland.

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