Musical entertainment, stage decoration hobbies and the occasional dancing set aside, we all know what this contest is really about: The men. We have now reached the time of the contest when we need to sum up all our male acquaintances before they start disappearing again later tonight. And who did we like the most? Here are the results of the Norwegian jury.
1 point go to…Belarus
So, Uzari barely made our list, although he has got some great potential going for him. Main reason: Hair cut. We really need to talk about how to relate to curls without ending up looking like Lionel Richie, which shouldn’t be a goal for anybody. Until we’ve got that settled, Uzari can seek comfort in jumping back in line for the shop for fancy earrings together with the rest of Europe’s football players. Because that is where he truly belongs.
2 points go to…Israel
Now this golden boy could have done a lot better if our age discrimination policy didn’t hit him so hard. But, you know. We have to draw the line somewhere, and for us it’s right by men who weren’t born until we were at least a few years into our university education. Still, Nadav Guedj both LOOKS and SOUNDS a lot older than 16, so there might just be a mixup in the pr department. We hereby shut our ears and put on our cropped tops and choose to believe that.
3 points go to…Norway
One might say that our very own Kjetil Mørland has earned his place on our list for his impeccable sense of style and for choosing the best stage accessories in the form of the striking femme fatale Debrah Scarlett. Had we had a list for hot women she would shoot right to the top. Mørland’s velvety voice and rock solid rendition also soothes our semi final nerves, and his soft consonants acquired from growing up on Norway’s costa del sol drives us to adore him with even greater passion. After all that’s the same area both our husbands hail from, so extra points for picking the best place to grow up.
4 points go to…Sweden
Okay, okay, OKAY! Måns Zelmerlöw is hot. Sizzling, even. And there’s no need for him to surround himself with a bunch of chubby holographic gnomes to prove this point. He does of course look exactly the same as about a million other blokes having a night out on the town on Stureplan, but we guess it’s not his fault that Sweden is a country chuck full of gorgeous looking people, making it really hard to stand out. Plus for wearing leather pants, although we do suspect having seen this particular pair in H&M’s mail order catalog back in 1997.
5 points go to…Estonia
Oh gosh, don’t you just long for the heydays when men were men, and women were wall decorations? Nothing oozes power and superiority more than dressing sharp and looking the part, and sexy Stig Rästa from Estonia gets that to perfection. Look aloof and treat your girl like shit and you’ll have half the female population and quite a few men across Europe throwing themselves at you. We feel the urge to smoke cigarettes, nip martinis and surrender all our equal rights just to get the chance to be dumped by this stylish dandy.
6 points go to…Armenia
You would think a Eurovision super group would be stuffed with hot males, but no. Armenia was only allowed one. But surely, Essaï Altounian is a good choice. He’s even from Europe, as the pr department ensures us. Not that we are eurocentric in this competition or anything. More interestingly, Essaï composed his first song at the age of 12, which is right around when we learned about the itsy bitsy spider, so we are hereby impressed. Essaï also seems super charming around the red carpet and press center while still being one of the more classic beauties around. Many previous attempts by others has proven just how hard this is, so he naturally ends up high on our score board.
7 points go to…Italy
We have to admit it was hard to choose between the three Italian gentlemen from Il Volo. They are all impeccable, flawless and the ideal men, really. But someones has to do they job, and we guess it all comes down to values. There is the ghost of Patrick Swayze, which is getting a bit old for our taste. There is Marty McFly, who no one knows anyway. And then there is Spiderman, which totally should send all our points straight into the pockets of Gianluca Ginoble. But, you know. If Gianluca is Spiderman, Piero Barone would be our Peter Parker and we all know who we want to see at the end of the day. Piero even gets some serious fashion points for those red glasses. Here’s looking at him!
8 points go to…Austria
Now, don’t we all love Joshua Tilman aka Father John Misty in our real lives where we listen to real music? Then how fabulous is it that Austria decided to send their own reproduction to the Eurovision stage? Dominic Muhrer has got it all. The hair, the hat, the voice. We would makemake outout with this fellow anytime. But for now, we’ll just sit down and enjoy the view.
10 points go to…Czech Republic
So, Václav Noid Bárta plays flute, clarinet, piano, guitar, bass and percussion, which totally doesn’t do it for us. There’s no need to incorporate a whole orchestra in one man. Good thing he knows so much more. Like standing in weird positions with his top off, which we prefer to the times when he borrows his auntie’s scarf. Also, we are a little concerned about his hobbies after a quick look at the press photos, see exhibit a above. But nonetheless, there are arms here. Did you see those arms? We approve. 100 per cent.
12 points go to…Lithuania
We have learned that Vaidas Baumila used to be a singer at the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth. And people told us cruise ships were BORING? Clearly, there’s a lot going on in those “retirement” tankers in the harbor that we didn’t know about. Like major eye candy being on display. We think Vaidas meets all the required criteria for winning our pageant: A pretty face, a pretty face and a pretty face. For that we are not shallow. He is just seriously great and easily scores both our hearts and the douze points. Congrats!
Runner up: Australia
Alright, so we know we skipped Guy Sebastian, but there’s a natural explanation for that. He might be able to fool the EBU, but he cannot fool us. We know for a fact that Australia isn’t a real country. And that equals no place in our pageant. Such a waste for such a man, really.