So, you think you’ve had it all? Enter Sweden. The country that is known for projecting a lot of fake men on stage:
Make no mistake, we love Sweden. They provide us with heaps of fit workers to pour our beers, they keep their shops open while ours are closed and they always give us something to bitch about here across the border. How very kind of them.
We are also fascinated by Sweden. Here is a country too peaceful to participate in a certain war. And what do they do when we’ve all calmed down? They run around Europe as the worst dictators of Eurovision, placing their song writers all over the place making everyone sound like muzak. If they think we didn’t notice their imperial plans already, they are wrong. There could be another war coming, be sure of that.
Another thing about our neighbors is their ability to ruin absolutely everything they touch with a techno trance beat delivered to you straight out of a club so shady only their princess Madeleine would frequent it. Seriously. They did have a good thing going this year, starting off with Johnny Cash’s bass and Sweden’s prettiest face, singing a tune that was surprisingly modern for someone resembling a model for H&M mail order fashion in the 90s. Sadly, it all went downhill from about 35 seconds into the song, when a certain someone threw in a drum machine for bad measure. Bad call, Måns, very bad call.
There might be winning potential of course. We mean, we did notice a lot of rambling about this entry. Apparently it is not only a fan wank or a proposal to all gays and the women who love them. Because what people actually love about it sums up to two things: The aforementioned mail order model and the carefully designed cartoon men Måns sings to on stage as if there wasn’t a single person in the audience he could concentrate on. We have to say we do approve of both of those success factors, but there are other competitions for that: Mister Universe 1997 and the slightly less famous award Best use of props seen on a Eurovision stage. We’re sure Sweden would win both and take a moment to celebrate the victory with a tiny glass of champagne in advance. Salute!
Let’s also take a moment to dwell on the promo video. Clearly, someone at SVT didn’t realize that most Europeans actually know how to speak English, including Måns Zelmerlöw, meaning we can all perfectly hear what he is singing. Also, karaoke is only big in Japan these days, which should score no invitation to the VMAs for Sweden this year. But extra points for attracting the people with hearing disabilities. The Swedes are good at that, which is lucky, as this song is best appreciated without sound. We heard David Guetta mention plagiarism. Oh, how we wish it was true!
Well, anyways, we know a lot of you actually like this. Our deepest condolences for that and please excuse our rudeness. We have our national day coming up tomorrow and that’s not really a day for celebrating our neighbors, who did their very best to prevent this day from ever happening. One has to draw the line somewhere, we guess, and for us that is right by Du gamla du fria.