Oh no, not them again

So, you think you’ve had it all? Enter Sweden. The country that is known for projecting a lot of fake men on stage:


Make no mistake, we love Sweden. They provide us with heaps of fit workers to pour our beers, they keep their shops open while ours are closed and they always give us something to bitch about here across the border. How very kind of them.

We are also fascinated by Sweden. Here is a country too peaceful to participate in a certain war. And what do they do when we’ve all calmed down? They run around Europe as the worst dictators of Eurovision, placing their song writers all over the place making everyone sound like muzak. If they think we didn’t notice their imperial plans already, they are wrong. There could be another war coming, be sure of that.

Another thing about our neighbors is their ability to ruin absolutely everything they touch with a techno trance beat delivered to you straight out of a club so shady only their princess Madeleine would frequent it. Seriously. They did have a good thing going this year, starting off with Johnny Cash’s bass and Sweden’s prettiest face, singing a tune that was surprisingly modern for someone resembling a model for H&M mail order fashion in the 90s. Sadly, it all went downhill from about 35 seconds into the song, when a certain someone threw in a drum machine for bad measure. Bad call, Måns, very bad call.

There might be winning potential of course. We mean, we did notice a lot of rambling about this entry. Apparently it is not only a fan wank or a proposal to all gays and the women who love them. Because what people actually love about it sums up to two things: The aforementioned mail order model and the carefully designed cartoon men Måns sings to on stage as if there wasn’t a single person in the audience he could concentrate on. We have to say we do approve of both of those success factors, but there are other competitions for that: Mister Universe 1997 and the slightly less famous award Best use of props seen on a Eurovision stage. We’re sure Sweden would win both and take a moment to celebrate the victory with a tiny glass of champagne in advance. Salute!

Let’s also take a moment to dwell on the promo video. Clearly, someone at SVT didn’t realize that most Europeans actually know how to speak English, including Måns Zelmerlöw, meaning we can all perfectly hear what he is singing. Also, karaoke is only big in Japan these days, which should score no invitation to the VMAs for Sweden this year. But extra points for attracting the people with hearing disabilities. The Swedes are good at that, which is lucky, as this song is best appreciated without sound. We heard David Guetta mention plagiarism. Oh, how we wish it was true!

Well, anyways, we know a lot of you actually like this. Our deepest condolences for that and please excuse our rudeness. We have our national day coming up tomorrow and that’s not really a day for celebrating our neighbors, who did their very best to prevent this day from ever happening. One has to draw the line somewhere, we guess, and for us that is right by Du gamla du fria.

Worn, crappy t-shirt sown by exclusive children’s hands locked up somewhere in China: 99,50 SEK. Hair transplant for good looking chests when the shirt falls apart: Priceless.


  1. Wow, i read the whole text thinking “Are they for real?”, until i saw the last 2 sentences and realized how stupid you are. Congratulations!!

    1. Ah, come on you guys. We’re Norwegians. Were supposed to bash your song. And vice versa. But make no mistake: you definitely ARE better at this than us. Good on you!

      1. Sure Swedes and Norwegians make fun of each other and stuff but this is way to far. It’s not okay..

  2. Jag hoppas jag aldrig möter er när jag sitter i kassan i en mataffär i Strömstad och scannar norskars varor. Sådana människor som ni är dom som förpestar relationen mellan svenskar och norskar. I stan brukar vi säga att era hjärnor sugs ut vid Svinesundsbron och när ni kör tillbaka till norska sidan igen får ni den tillbaka. Men det verkar som om ni aldrig fått någon överhuvudtaget.

  3. Äkliga människor! Visst, smutskasta våran låt om nu så vill det, men att hela tiden bygga in hur mycket ni hatar sverige, uch vill spy på er!

  4. Love the irony in the post and surprised that more people don’t recognize. Madly in love with Mums and totally follow him on Instagram to get my daily Mums dose.

    And yes, we are taking over the world one song at a time, the day the rest of the world realizes (no one listens to Norwegians that think they’ve figured it out) it will be too late and we will have world domination, moa ha ha ha (totally evil laugh).

  5. Now calm down you Swedes! It’s about time for you to realize not everyone’s gonna love your esc entry, not this year, necessarily not ever. And that hasn’t got anything to do with us others being jealous or nasty – obviously many of us just have different taste in music. Believe me, that’s pretty normal among us outside Sweden.

    1. We don’t care if they don’t like our entry, but they are talking shit about our contry! They can fuck of!

  6. Wtf excuse me!? Seriously who do you think you are? And as said before we don’t care if you don’t like our entry but don’t talk shit it’s just rude!

  7. Ska ni säga! Sverige har en av världens bästa musikproducenter och låt skrivare, vi har IKEA, Avicii, Tove Lo, Robyn, ABBA, Aswell, Alesso, Max Martin, Carl Falk, The Fooo, Zara Larsson, Ingmar Bergman och mycket mer. Och vad har ni? Fiskekaker? Jag vet att Sverige och Norge brukar skämta med varandra men nu tog ni det för långt!

  8. Way to hars this was almost a bit rasistisk towards swe! We shul stick together here up in the north but this made me really angry! Way to hard and not funny at all!

  9. And why is he fake! Is the most real men that won compared to other years!! I know måns private and I can asure you he’s lovely he have respect he grow up with his mother and disabeld sister that I also know well. His father was my doctor for a while and he was really crazy so I belive maybe måns didn’t have a very pece full uppbringing by him! So fake uhhmm nooo

  10. wow! Don’t be so rude! It’s not okey to talk about a person or a countrey like that!
    That’s just mean! Like the old saying goes “if you don’t have annything good to say, don’t say annything at all”!

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