It’s that weekend of the year. MGP is on in Spectrum and we get to decide our national winner among all of NRK’s treasures. We’ll be leaving Oslo due to fear of running into Per Sundnes or one of Alexander Rybak’s former lovers, but we have a few opinions about those who stay.
There are basically three categories of MGP:
1. Natural disasters
Unfortunately those are inevitable in countries like Norway. You never know when they’ll happen, but you know for sure that they will and even more so for years to come due to severe human failure. We celebrate those who can solve this problem, but in the meantime: Here are the environmental dangers of this year’s MGP:
Tor & Bettan: All over the world
There are no excuses for Tor Endresen & Bettan anymore. This sounds like someone decided to make a music video for the poor victims of climate change in Africa. Only instead of comforting them with Rod Stewart, they decided to punish them in the worst way possible. Oh, horror.
Staysman & Lazz: En godt stekt pizza
There are things we miss from our youth. This song pretty much sums up everything we’re trying to forget. English speaking crowd: Be happy you can’t understand what they sing. Blind people: Be happy you don’t have to watch this video ever. And deaf people: We really, really envy you right now.
Lesson that needs to be learned sooner or later: Maggie Reilly has never been a good idea. So don’t try to copy it.
Every year the largest gym chains of Norway team up and send some of the average crap they regularly torture us with during an otherwise horrible spinning class to MGP. We figure this is just product placement for torture and refuse to give it any more attention.
2. Average Joe’s
Ah, all the sweet people in the middle. You’ve got to love them for being themselves, we guess. But you have to admit: In the social media era, being average is being invisible or, even worse, being spam filtered. And that sure as hell is not being on your way to Vienna. Let us present to you what you otherwise wouldn’t have noticed.
Erlend Bratland: Thunderstruck
Erlend could have reached top class for being so utterly fab and lovely and doing his Conchita thing as a genderbender with good values. Only one needs a song to match, darling. And you don’t have one.
Jenny Langlo: Next to You
So, when did we get the final confirmation that being a stuck-up, sour grape of a hipster with no make up and size that fits no one clothing was just empty commercial crap? Right around when we heard Jenny Langlo. Go post that on Tumblr.
Marie Klåpbakken: Ta meg tilbake
Yeah, and the same goes for that one. Only we also figure Marie’s religious. Jesus Christ.
3. National treasury
Luckily, there are a few heroes to save the night and which will let us walk around Vienna without hiding behind an Italian flag.
Ira Konstantinidis: We Don’t Worry
“Hi, I’m 17 years old and my biggest accomplishment so far is to perform in Elvebakkrevyen. Singing live for some 150 million viewers? No biggie!” Ah, bless, you gotta just love the kids nowadays.
Alexandra Joner: Cinderella
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Miss Joner thought and went ahead and became Rihanna. She even nicked her biggest hit and tweaked it a tiny tad to avoid those tiresome lawsuits. We’re suckers for pink hair and cheeky attitude and when she promises us a show with hot dancers, feathers, fab frocks and a circus horse we squeal with joy like the couple of fannies we really are. Besides, rising from the ashes worked jolly well back in Copenhagen last year so we’re cheering the first evah Cindarella with gangster moves on and wouldn’t mind her winning the Prince and a ticket to Vienna.
Karin Park: Human beings
Definitely not the most cheerful partyswede living in Norway and who said participating in MGP is meant to be any fun? The prospect of representing spoiled and obnoxious Norwegians drunk on oil money internationally is not a task to be taken lightly and no one understands it better than Karin Park. She is absolutely ravishing! So don’t be surprised if we decide to bore Europe to death with yet another ballad. At least this will be one of the good ones.
Mørland & Debrah Scarlett: A Monster Like Me
Couple of things that are really impressive here. First of all there are some seriously good turkey moves. Then we do love the look of that gentleman Mørland. And last, but not least, lady Scarlett sings without moving her lips. How is that even possible? Did she hide a singing dwarf under her skirt? We are seriously impressed. Also, the video is great with the sound on. Ballads may be boring, but this one isn’t really. It’s all rock solid. We even figure the key change has a potential of lifting the roof in Spectrum. And in the Wiener Stadthalle, hopefully.