MALTA Elfejn U Hmistax!

Daniel Testa is on stage! Someone please lock up the middle aged Norwegian ladies.
Daniel Testa is on stage! Someone please lock up the middle aged Norwegian ladies.

While we are freezing our asses off in Norway, things are really starting to heat up in Malta. Man, did we ever feel as misplaced as Vladimir Putin in Euro Club? You might not have known, but being at the very forefront of the industrial development, Malta even reached 2015 already. And what better to do then than to kick off the national final for Eurovision? Coming up is our reviews of tonight’s semi final in MESC, elfejno hmistax:

We guess we should award Lyndsay a few extra points for being a newcomer. But that is not going to happen. Good thing she is first. Then luckily a fab chick. IONA has a catchy tune and just about the right oomph to deliver it. Best newcomer of the evening for sure and definitely gets all of Lyndsay’s points. Isn’t Franklin just the weirdest, cutest, funniest man to ever show up in Malta? Good thing he paired up with Norway’s king of weird and funny, his song writer ALEXANDER RYBAK. Not to be nationalist or anything, but this is a beautiful song and we totally love Franklin’s performance too. We hope he wins, because we figure Franklin and Rybak will be the coolest pair of guys to run into in Euro Club for…like…ever! Such a shame about Christabelle this year. Let’s skip her. Jessika is back, and for that we are grateful. She is a fab, funky lady. One thing, though: Fandango? Really? We’re more happy that Bryan Adams’ long lost son is still going strong in Valletta. Chris Grech does his thing and does it decently. We also loved power ballads once. We get it, man. Karen DeBattista must have the same eyebrow stylist as Cristiano Ronaldo. And we finally realized why people talk so much about the looks of those boring pop stars and footballers: There is nothing else to say. More importantly: DANIEL TESTA IS BACK, BACK, BACK! We’re superdupertrooper overly excited. Not sure this song quite matches One Last Ride, but nothing seems to do. We can not stop being impressed by the high level of quality and rock solid performance this young fellah delivers, and can’t wait to see this live. Also, our 7 year old co judge is ecstatic. GO DANIEL! All the way to Vienna! Glen Vella should instantly win the price for most enthusiastic performance of the evening. We figure Glen has a good shot as winning this, and will not be sad at all to see him in Vienna. This song will reach the dance floor of Euro club no matter what and is also tested and very much approved by the 7 year old. Nothing to trash, really. Next, please! We figure Raquel must be the most unlucky gal on the entire, tiny island. Can you imagine having such a fantastic voice and the greatest talent ever while at the same time being haunted by such rubbish song writers and told not to move for the entire performance? Let go of her, for Christ’s sake! IONA can have all of Domenique’s points too. Where do PBS find all these size 0, double d cup, zero personality women and what makes them think we want them? We figure Malta doesn’t have a large crowd of men as they tend to recycle the ones we have already seen. Lawrence Gray is one of them. And maybe the song should have stayed in the MSW bin? Do you really feel like going to bed with a lovely headache tonight? Neither do we. So stay away from Deborah C. Not OK, that is what she is. Another member of the spice family is Danica Muscat. We forgot what we thought about this. What was her name again? Corazon has such a nice dress. Hope she wears it for the semi final, because tomorrow might be too late. Best Celine Dion impersonation of the evening, though. Remember the lovely Gianluca Bezzina? He joined some kind of cult of estranged doctors with facial hair and started singing family friendly tunes that might as well have been jingles for Christian TV shows in the 90s. May we offer our deepest condolences? Here is The Kelly Family and Hanson and all kinds of other singing families at once. Plus a few Junior Woodchucks for good measure. Leave Utah and go back to 2013 or the funk scene, where you belong, hon. This is just scary. For some reason our fellow Eurovision bloggers tend to like Amber. We’ll let them explain this rare phenomenon and settle with awarding her the price of highest rate of vibrato ever presented in MESC. Trilogy is a group of three very different looking people who surely must have failed chemistry class. But apart from that, we like. There’s a very tiny resemblance to Cezar here, and that couldn’t be wrong. 12 points to the long haired fellah and the fabulous key change, a little meh to the rest. Dominic is also great for dragging us out of Never Neverland. He’s fun, cool and quite handsome too. What’s not to like? Just calm down your hair already and you’re set for the final. What do you do when both grandmothers, giants and Dracula already have been introduced to the European crowd? You send in the nuns. It then comes as a pleasant surprise that they are not a performance act, but actually a group of women doing a decent job. Still. The quality of the song should require quite a few Ave Marias for them to reach Europe. PS! You can watch the semi final online at PBS

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