Yay, the grand final is rapidly approaching in Copenhagen! We just watched the jury final, and here’s a heads up on what to expect:
1.Ukraine: Tick-Tock sung by Mariya Yaremchuk
Struggles to impress us with a man in a hamster wheel. That’s nothing but a nice try when Greece has THREE men on a TRAMPOLINE.
2.Belarus: Cheesecake sung by Teo
Thank God the final at least has one song about cakes. Claims to not be Patrick Swayze, which is great as he never would be able to lift us anyway.
3.Azerbaijan: Start A Fire sung by Dilara Kazimova
Did a great job in the jury final so we love her even more. Or could be just the free whisky her delegation pours us that is talking here. Much better investment than buying votes, we’d say.
4.Iceland: No Prejudice sung by Pollapönk
We think SexyPönk is a more appropriate name for YellowPönk as he keeps doing his great bassplayermoves. Who would know playing in front of a Eurovision crowd is exactly the same as playing in front of the 3 year olds they tend to prefer?
5.Norway: Silent Storm sung by Carl Espen
Like all other Norwegian serious journalists, we are obliged use this post to tell you Norway is a favorite and will win. At least Carl Espen is great as well! Yay!
6.Romania: Miracle sung by Paula Selling and OVI
Ovi is our second Norwegian in this bunch and makes us proud as he threads a piano over his head. Word of advice: Don’t do this at home. Not even if you are from Bryne.
7.Armenia: Not Alone sung by Aram MP3
This is a time for quoting the very important Eurovision site The Guardian: “It goes boring, boring, boring, boring, REALLY LOUD, boring, boring”.
8.Montenegro: Moj Svijet sung by Sergej Ćetković
No comment whatsoever.
9.Poland: My Slowianie sung by Donatan and Cleo
Right now we get a lot of hits on our blog from all the people googling Poland+boobs. A big thanks to Poland for very (un)appropriate use of body language.
10.Greece: Rise Up sung by Freaky Fortune feat. Riskykidd
We figure Greece must be doing much better these days as they both have risky kids and freaky fortunes. Just don’t spend it all on trampolines, sweeties.
11.Austria: Rise Like A Phoenix sung by Conchita Wurst
We have been desperately trying to book a hotel room in Vienna next May, but they are all booked. Guess we just have to cancel that conference about funny instruments from the Appalachian mountains we were going to.
12.Germany: Is It Right? sung by Elaiza
No, sorry. Still wrong.
13.Sweden: Undo sung by Sanna Nielsen
Demonstrated early in this competition that they think everything is about the right lighting. How unfortunate.
14.France: Moustache sung by Twin Twin
These guys should get a good lawyer as they might get themselves into trouble for giving half of Europe epileptic seizures. We recommend Sebalter from Switzerland.
15.Russia: Shine sung by Tolmachevy Sisters
We’ve heard that Siberia is next for Russian contendors who don’t end up on the left side of the score board. Start running now.
16.Italy: La Mia Città sung by Emma
Sings in Italian, which is always a good thing. Best Miley Cyrus impression of Eurovision.
17.Slovenia: Round And Round sung by Tinkara Kovač
There’s a first for everything. And this would be the first Eurovision song ever about airport luggage conveyor belts.
18.Finland: Something Better sung by Softengine
Quite impressive for a band of 12 year olds, but isn’t this way past their bed time?
19.Spain: Dancing In The Rain sung by Ruth Lorenzo
We figure it must be really bad tourist promotion for Spain to tell the whole world how much it rains in Costa del Sol.
20.Switzerland: Hunter Of Stars sung by Sebalter
Sebalter should have picked up a few tips from Alexander Rybak and actually taken his ADHD medicine BEFORE entering the stage.
21.Hungary: Running sung by András Kállay-Saunders
Does his best to promote Budapest Marathon 2015. We are starting our training straight after the final.
22.Malta: Coming Home sung by Firelight
We have started a crowd funding to get some new jeans for the lead singer Richard. We know there is financial crisis going on still, but all humans have the right to enter the Eurovision stage without filthy pants.
(But of course we love these guys to bits and are currently ironing our Maltese flag!)
23.Denmark: Cliche Love Song sung by Basim
We assume no one in Denmark is above 14 years old as they decided to send this song to Eurovision. Recommend Junior Eurovision instead.
24.Netherlands: Calm After The Storm sung by The Common Linnets
Apparently Ilse De Lange is a very fun woman from a small place with a strange dialect. Something we could totally relate to, but are there any people from The Netherlands without funny language?
25.San Marino: Maybe (Forse) sung by Valentina Monetta
Valentina Monetta and her songwriter Ralph Siegel have previously stated that they will come to Eurovision every year until they reach the final. Cross that problem off our list.
26.United Kingdom: Children Of The Universe sung by Molly
Her stage backdrops looks like one of Petter Stordalen’s cheap Choice hotels. That says it all.