Ok, we are soon ready with all our reviews this year. Time to focus on what this contest is really about: The men. And who should we look out for in this year’s screens, press conferences and Euro clubs? Time for us to cast our votes:
Teo’s real name is Yuriy Vaschuk. That pretty much does it for us. Oh, and the fact that he is a Belarusian man deadly afraid of being objectified. Welcome to our list, cheesecake.
2 points go to Lorent Ardouvin from France
It was kinda hard to choose among the French twins. Then we remembered the fact that we are particularly fond of men who have stuffed their fingers into the electrical sockets one or two times too many, not of men who unintentionally look like women. We fear a rather displaced mustache might show up, though, so only 2 points for Lorent TwinTwin for now.
3 points go to Nikolas Raptakis from Greece
This is a guy that seemed to have everything going for him when he first saw light in 1990 (!). The looks, the voice, the body, the Greek package. Why go ahead and waste it all with funny hair coloring his mama could have done in the kitchen and several ODs of manic techno trance sessions? That was unfortunate. But he might just have been the victim of bad influence, so we give 3 points for potential anyway to Nikolas. Let’s also give him a stylist and a free trip to techno rehab for Christmas.
4 points go to Wayne William from Malta
The first of the bunch of hunky Maltese to make our list. We actually had to discriminate a few of them so other families could stand a chance. But Wayne made it with his cute little smile and sincere looks that we have enjoyed since he first told us about some kind of wonderful in the national finals MESC. He looks a bit like he works in a kinder garden, and we bet he would be the most popular uncle on the island. In fact Wayne looks so decent we dream indecent dreams about pushing his limits ever so slightly. Watch out in Euroclub.
5 points go to Carl Espen from Norway
We’re so proud of being from the country with the coolest dude this year. We totally love Carl Espen’s dark and effortless rock style and tattoos to match. Also, we cannot really understand why people are trashing his jacket. One has got to dress up for the big stage, right? And it’s not like he’ll show up in smoking anytime soon like certain other, more oedipal male ballad singers, not to mention any names. Carl Espen has a sincere presence wherever he goes and there is very much right with a man who shares his emotions that extensively instead of hiding them under a big biceps. Sure, a little on the chubby side, but that’ll probably secure him an honorary membership in Norway Bears any day now. And that would be one of our favorite organizations.
6 points go to Tony Polidano from Malta
Dapper seems to be our favorite word these days and no one gives it more meaning than Tony with his crooner suits, well placed hats and double bass. Congrats on being the first grandfather on our hotlist for…like…ever. We’re not sure if it’s us or only our taste that seems to be getting a little bit more…mature, but we do love older men with style and attitude, and Tony seems to have both. That equals 6 points to our second Maltese in this pageant.
7 points go to Waylon from The Netherlands
Now, if there’s something we’d like for dinner every single day it’s hunky country men in hats and boots. Not only do The Netherlands have one of the best songs this year, they also have one of the finest men. Both actually seem a bit too good for this competition which is why we keep waiting for them to disappear like another fata morgana, but they seem to stay with us just fine. Lucky for us, as we’d stare into that face forever. AND listen to that song of course. Sept points and then some from the jury.
8 points go to Gudni Finnsson from Iceland
There is a lot to say about an Icelandic combination of John Cusack and Ricki Hall and it’s all positive. We seem to have a thing for bass players this year and with that beard Yellowpönk certainly play more than four of our strings. He seems so very…philosophical. And yellow. And very fit by the looks of it. Oh, and yeah, he can do the alphabet with is body – which would be the driving force behind our points. We mean, with those moves who knows what else he is capable of?
10 points go to András Kállay-Saunders from Hungary
A thousand queers cannot be wrong: András looks flawless. Add the united housewives of Europe, a million screaming teenage girls and a couple of Norwegian bloggers (around 29ish) and no wonder he’s running head over heals to get away from all the commotion he’s bound to cause wherever he shows his pretty face. And did we mention his sensitive soul and social consciousness? Please allow us to take a minute while we swoon. Given the high quality of the Magyar male species we fear we won’t survive a Eurovision week in Budapest, but we’re willing to take our chances!
But of course. 12 points go to Richard Micallef from MALTA
Holy Appalachian mountain dulcimer, this tiny little island (or should we say family?) has a lot to offer. No wonder everyone has been trying to get there since biblical times. Currently we are desperately searching through real estate in Valletta so that Richard can come home to OUR place. This fine gentleman pushes all our buttons, really, and there are many. He has the equipment to impress us, the face to soothe our minds and the voice to sing us to sleep (as if we’d ever want that). He seems like a great person like the rest of his family although not so much like a kindergarten employee. Tattoos, Morten Harket wristbands, shady beard, t-shirts and tight jeans all add up to an image that we’d certainly hang on our wall as well. One word of warning, though: Recently Richard has threatened to blow a kiss to the audience at the end of his song, which will be totally out of character and not very suitable to secure stone cold Nordic ladies like…ourselves. We recommend saving your kisses for us in order to stay on top, hon.
Are you missing someone? These guys failed to make the list due to the fact that they probably are underage and we do not want to commit felony at this stage:
- The whole Finnish bunch
And then the rest of Malta didn’t make the cut, you know. Please, someone, stop us before we put Michelle on the list too. They can’t have it all those guys. And we want them to win the biggest prize come Saturday around midnight, don’t we?