When will the UK ever learn to respect Eurovision as the dead serious, international acclaimed competition it is? Not this year, that’s for sure. Ladies, divas and gents, we bring you the one and only Bonnie Tyler:
International sing-a-long star Bonnie Tyler has had a long and successful career working with some of the greatest writers, producers and musicians in popular music, including various animals of the Muppet show. In spite of this, she decided to grace the people of Malmö with what sounds like a theme song for Melrose Place.
God save the Bonnie. Who would have known she would have a total eclipse of talent and end up sounding like a third class lady straight out of Nashville’s dumpsters urging you desperately to believe in her? Sorry to say, we did have our suspicions back when the blue was bitter and we’re happy to get these confirmed. After all we mostly remember her for getting her leather jacket stolen while performing at our local tivoli in rural Norway. And that was while she was claiming to be huge. Guess she could find it on Ebay now, at least.
Sad to say, the rule about men getting more shaggable with every year added to their age while women facing a somewhat opposite development is also true in the music industry. We mean, there’s Bruce Springsteen. And then there’s Bonnie Tyler. We know who we would pick, and welcome the state of New Jersey in next year’s Eurovision.
As for UK, they seem to have given up on the true meaning of Eurovision and turned it into a secret retirement plan for the wealthy and bitter. Participating seems like buying an apartment on the floating glory home The World, only with more exposure. That is really so sad when we think of the country’s long and proud history. But hey, at least they have a royal baby coming, right?
Apart from the presence of a bridge there’s not much to believe in in this entry. Have to say, though, Bonnie’s whiskey voice has always made us happy. It shows us that even we can be singers in the final when we retire from our important jobs as Eurovision correspondents. It’s all about the botox and the hydrogen peroxide and UK knowing where to find us.
Until then, and until princess Little Grape is born and free to make wine, we wouldn’t exactly go for Rule Britannia.