Booyah! Tonight’s the night Tooji’s gonna ace through to the final. At least that’s what we hope for. If you are a foreigner with the most fortunate voting rights granted to you by the president of EBU, our voting guide for tonight is simple: 16 for Tooji. If you are a Norwegian with limited voting rights or if you just want a snap shot of what else is on the menu: Take a look below.
1. Serbia: Here, Zeljko is visualizing just how big he is in his home country. We’d say he don’t even need your vote to be in the final. Nice song, though.
2. FYR Macedonia: Don’t think this looks so interesting? That’s quite an appropriate impression.
3. The Netherlands: Do you remember that time when the savage cowboys entered The Netherlands and physically removed the rather peaceful, indigenous, feather clad people? Neither do we. But we’ll surely support a second try with this lucky survivor.
4. Malta: Malta was so sad there won’t be a Friends-movie they decided to use Ross’ little brother for making a statement in the only field where they truly matter: Eurovision. We’re not sure this strengthens their position in Europe, though.
5. Belarus: ‘Calling all units, this is the more developed dictatorship in the EBU speaking. Is anyone in need of some vacuuming? Not? Well, I’ll just sing a little tune in my hoover then. Don’t vote for me before I give Ben Adams back his hairdo’.
6. Portugal: ‘Yawn, I’m so bored. Why do all these people behind me raise their hand? Do they really think I’ll let them speak? Not before I finish this utterly uninspired singsong of mine, that’s for sure’.
7. Ukraine: Ukraine did promise us a rose garden for tonight, and we’re sure we’re gonna get one. Not sure what else, though.
8. Bulgaria: ‘Hey, did any of you see my dress? I think I’m supposed to wear one. Why else would I be here? It’s not like my song is worth noticing.’
9. Slovenia: ‘Listen to me. Don’t just stand there and pretend you are a wedding cake. You are the lead singer, for crying out loud. Now at least have the decency to sing’.
10. Croatia: Erm, not to be rude, but there is one person here that doesn’t quite adapt to the surroundings as well as first predicted. Do you think we should tell him?
11. Sweden: Loreen decided to borrow Albania’s hair for accessories. Not sure how well that worked out. But at least she is in contact with mother earth. And we promise to cast her a few votes for the sake of decent competition to Italy and the Russian grannies in the final.
12. Georgia: There’s loads of stuff going on there. Music not being one of them.
13. Turkey: And Can created a song. And he looked at all the mess he had created around his men and he was content. Because he knew that GEE will love him forever and he’ll never be a lonely sailor again. After Eurovision, that is. For God and Can’s sake: Vote, people.
14. Estonia: ‘I’m standing still, I’m standing still…Hey! Wait! That’s not my song. Mine was so pretty, go away Germany. At least I have a head’.
15. Slovakia: OMG; Slovakia forgot to put on his shirt. In our opinion, that’s the best thing he can do tonight also.
16. Norway: We have teamed up with the PartySwedes of Oslo tonight to secure the vote for Tooji with their TeliaSonera phones. After all, we have left them all our money at an earlier stage and are now just stuck with tons of corporate suits we never wear, an Omega 3 subscription we don’t want and an alcoholism at a well developed stage. They owe us big time.
17. Bosnia & Herzegovina: ‘Holy mother of Tooji, that grand piano better have the breaks on or I will hurt Lithuania. And he’s blind already’.
18. Lithuania: Nope, this is not the Paralympics section of Eurovision. Meaning you do not have to vote for this to secure the inclusion of disabled people. This man can see just fine if he only bothers to find out what he’s doing.