Yay, the day has finally come! The first semi-final is only hours away and we are bouncing off the walls with excitement. Unfortunately we can’t vote tonight, so this guide is mainly for those of you out there holding the power over the 18 hopefuls at the tip of your fingers. To give you an idea of how we would have voted we’ll take a quick stroll through the running order.
1. Montenegro: We have no idea what’s going on here. “I got no ambition for high position in the competition” Rambo Amadeus sings. So to piss off him and the fanboys, vote for this one and stay cool as a swimming pool!
2. Iceland: Violin Barbie & Ken tries their best to convince the viewers they got great chemistry. To us it looks like they just had a row, and Ken is secretly wishing he was already at the after party in Euroclub. But we won’t defriend you if you send them a couple of votes. After all, Reykjavik 2013 would be brilliant.
3. Greece: This was all Greece could afford when getting fabric for their stage costumes. Skimpy outfits, steaming hot male dancers, equally hot female vocalist sans aural skills and Zorbas choreography = Top 10? Yep, most likely.
4. Latvia: Pick up the phone and vote for me goddammit! Or is that Mick Jagger on the phone? Anmary does a Maria Haukaas-Mittet outfitwise, which turns kinda Christmas office party on us. Still, we’re kinda liking it!
5. Albania: How can someone in their right mind vote for this scary creature? We nearly wet our pants when this image popped up. And don’t get us started on that organism swirling around her neck. We just hope it isn’t alive. Yikes!
6. Romania: Romania sure knows how to make skimpy outfits look good too! Contender for the teenage boys votes along with Greece and Austria. Not that we think many teenage boys actually can be bothered to watch. But this has grown on us, loving the brassy gang around the half naked woman.
7. Switzerland: Not exactly as cool as a swimming pool, but at least they have their hands full swiiiming against the striiiim. Predicting it will be an uphill battle for them to make it to the Grand Final.
8. Belgium: Would you mind us granting us the first toilet break of the evening? Ok then, thanks!
9. Finland: Pernilla, snilla, what have you done? You’re ruining it with that awful mullet frock and terrible staging! Such a shame, because this was one of our national final season’s favs.
10. Israel: Mr Smug here is trying to convince us he’s really one of the good guys. Take it from us: He is not. We do not want to join Israel’s circus, as you might have picked up on by now.
11. San Marino: Delivering a social network song live on stage seems all wrong to us. Can someone please lock this people up in YouTube and make it PG rated?
12. Cyprus: ‘Watch me, I can stage dive all the way to Ayia Napa’. And we wish you a safe journey, hon. No return ticket for you, though.
13. Denmark: Hey, another lonely sailor! She should totally hook up with Turkey. Except Turkey is unfortunately way out of her league. Better luck next time, Denmark.
14. Russia: We’ve heard rumors that Russia are favorites. We cannot for our bare lives understand why. Maybe there’s some senior program from EBU?
15. Hungary: Major hunk alert going on here. We are in love, song not concidered.
16. Austria: Remember this: When given the worst song in the competition, try to fix it with some pole dancer. It won’t work.
17. Moldova: The lead singer claims he warms up to shows by making sex. Let’s make sure he participates in shows forever, because the creation of sex is really what has kept the world going.
18. Ireland: Jedward has gone Tin Man on us and abandoned their signature broom look. There’s one other stage gimmick, but we won’t give that away, you’ll have to watch it yourself! Maybe you’ll become so distracted you’ll actually pick up the phone and vote the crazy twins to their second consecutive Grand Final. Happy watching!