Eurovision voting guide for losers and relegated

Oh crap, we suddenly realized Norway is actually out. Up until now we have been in denial and sort of wished it was a bad dream. We bet a lot of our fellow country madames et messieurs really struggle to come up with one single reason why to turn on the telly round about nine o’clock tonight, let alone, who on earth should they vote for? And we are in good company with the likes of Portuguese, Israelis and Poles, to mention a few. And not to forget, the Dutch! They should be used to this situation, maybe we should ask them for some advise on how to deal with the humiliation of being among the losers and the relegated.

Thing is, at the end of the day, we wouldn’t miss watching it for the world, and the same goes for you, basically. So out of the goodness of our hearts we have taken upon us the task of convincing the Eurovision sceptic out there to devote a few hours of their lives to watch this wonderful televised singing competition!

We’ll start off with the good stuff, these are all perfectly good reasons why you should watch the show, not walk the dog, do the dishes, call your mum, or let’s say get married today and have a wedding preventing your friends from getting their share of annual Eurovision glamour.

The Good:

  • Denmark: If you didn’t catch our love for Denmark yet, you didn’t read our blog. Shame on you. But even worse shame on you if you miss this.
  • Ireland: Cool, funny and high on sugar. We love these sugar babes. And so will you. And everyone else.
  • Estonia: When she is not out of breath from jumping around too much, this is one fine lady. And her song is just perfect for this competition. Thank you, Estonia. Again.
  • Finland is ahead of the world. Not exactly a common sight. Add the fact that the singer Paradise Oskar is the cutest lifeguard around, and we’re totally talking Finnish revolution. Better than all kinds of wars performed during this winter and bound to reach history books. You want to be the one who watched it live as it happened.
  • France: See, we tried really hard to hate Corsican opera. Because we’re not exactly fan of tenors. Except this tenor, we then realized. It’s actually pretty good this song. Even better, that Amauri is a sight for sore eyes. When he’s not dressed in his casual teenage outfits that is. Only tonight onstage that is.
  • Hungary, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Iceland and Italy because this can actually be labeled as music performed by some reasonable talented artists. Scarce in demand and should be savored while you have the chance.

Then we move on to the reasons why you really shouldn’t bother watching, which is the very same reasons why you definitely should watch anyway, for a good laugh and world class entertainment. After all humor is what we love the most.

The Bad:

  • Ukraine has got some live sandy art going for them. We bet you won’t remember that song when it’s done. But you’ll remember that art forever. Note to Norway for next time we build a ski jumping arena and there’s no money left for poor artists badly in need of promotion.
  • Moldova gave us the brilliant Sax Guy last year. This year watch out for cone hatted girl on a unicycle playing the trumpet. Now, why haven’t anybody thought of that before?
  • Germany isn’t exactly coming across as a bucket of chuckle this year, going all dark and crazy psycho bitch on us. One of those not so rare moments in Eurovision were you giggle in all the wrong places. Thank you Lena for coming back, being as cocky and average as ever!
  • Romania for bringing us the worst pants in Eurovision history, gets the discussions on who should win the Barbara Dex Award up and running.
  • Spain since we all wonder if our buddy Jimmy Jump will show up this year. We suppose no on would even notice if he joined Lucía Pérez’ carnival on stage.
  • Greece, Russia and Azerbaijan offer us our share of eye candy for the night. Please ignore Stereo Mike, and Nikki the Cougar.
  • Slovenia, Austria; Lithuania, Switzerland and Serbia all give you some decent looking women that all have their qualities. At least if you count on some affirmative action.

And finally, this is where it’s starting to turn ugly. Please exercise caution when watching these parts. In our opinion this is the reason why this competition have semifinals, and why there shouldn’t be a Big 5 group.

The Ugly:

  • UK: There’s something utterly disturbing about those boybandies returning ten years later looking and sounding exactly the same, only a bit worse and, say, dated. There’s something utterly disturbing about Blue. Because you know we’ve changed in ten years. A lot actually. And we weren’t exactly fans to begin with.
  • Georgia basically because they stole Norway’s rightful place in the final, but also because of the enormous amounts of welded on artificial hair on the lead singer, the hideous outfits, the lame rapping and their shouty, noisy song with ridiculous lyrics. I am lame, psycho from the brain, there is nothing I can do, that ‘s the part of the game. Go figure.
  • Sweden: We strongly suggest you get familiar with the mute button on your remote before this shows up. It will do more damage to your head than Paradise Hotel and Fashion TV combined. If you are to use your racism, Eastern Europe, please do it here.

So who will go ahead and win tonight? We have no idea, and who cares really? Enjoy the ride!


  1. Sorry damer, tror ingen av deres “good” vinner, foruten Ungarn om stemmen til damen stiger et par hakk i kvalitet. Og kanskje Irland, siden de hadde med et par frekke kordamer (og herrer) som går hjem hos mange som spiller på den hjemmebanen, ett par poeng bare der. Spania blir tøffe i år tror jeg. Referenget er catchy nok for oss som kan kun “ono…no….dos cerveza por favor”. Fordi de fleste middelhavstemmene går til den Iberiske halvøy i år. Tyskland kan også vinne om ikke Lena knekker sammen i hoftebevegelsene, hun må da vært på slankern siden i fjor der hun ikke akkurat var i L-størrelse.

    Foruten puppedamene da, Slovenia og Litauen. Slikt slår aldri feil.

    1. Kveldens finale er like åpen som 7-Eleven. Mange gode og relevante observasjoner i analysen din. Vi driver egentlig ikke med forhåndstipping på resultater, men må innrømme at vi har en hunch på Irland, og tror jaggu det at Lena har en sjans til å score en dobbeltseier også. Spania tror vi havner langt ned i bunnslammet.

      Vi ønsker deg en alldeles strålende Eurovisionsaften!

  2. Håper på finsk seier i år, er også begeisteret for Sveits, Georgia og Tyskland. At Azerbaijan gikk videre og ikke Norge er for meg et mysterium… De synger jo falsk halvparten av tiden >:/

    1. Godt gjort å vinne ESC når bare den ene av de to på scena faktisk kan synge. Ganske så middelmådig. Jaja, nå kommer det i alle fall til å bli det villeste Eurovision-arrangementet verden har sett i Baku neste år!

  3. Jaja, da vant tyrkerne. Og Armenia boikotter nok neste års mgp. Enda godt at svenskene ikke vant. Det hadde vært for meget for denne kroppen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.