GEE’s hotlist: Guide to talking Norwegian shit

If it looks like a tourist and acts like a tourist it probably is a tourist. And no one really wants to be a tourist. Here’s a couple of one liners you could pull off to impress Norwegian hipsters with your local belonging. 

“I did have sexual relations with that man”
Norway was just approaching a diplomatic crisis as one of our handball blondies that are not actually a lesbian confessed to dirty business with the Swedish princess’ thereafter ex fiancée, Jonas Bergström. Ball chick kissed and told, and she claimed to have done it for Madeleine’s sake.We can hardly picture that, but she certainly didn’t earn as much money on the message as she could have. Go ahead and give it a better try. Someone is bound to believe you.

“Who the fuck is Askil Holm?”
This question emerged as one not so exposed plus three overexposed Norwegian musicians picked up their guitars at the same time and every breath they drew was Hallelujah. No big surprise who really is the coolest of those guys, but hey, you’re not supposed to know him.

“I experimented and tested”
No matter what you’ve done in your past, no matter what you end up doing while staying in Oslo and no matter where you want to go in your future. This line will get you through everything regardless of all previous expectations, and everyone will love you for it, especially if you shed a couple of tears throughout the utterance. You could even win the Crown Prince and half the kingdom, just ask Mette-Marit.

“Books aren’t really culture”
If you are a 22 year old beautiful, newly elected politician of a party no one likes but everyone votes for, mind your words. Mette Hanekamhaug didn’t when claiming books and culture were two very separate phenomenons, and by that making all guardians of high culture suffer from grand hysteria. We say go ahead, as long as you know that Eurovision is high culture at it’s best.

“There is something wrong with the signals”
Norwegian trains aren’t what they used to. Half of them are always running late, and it is always because of some error in the signal system. This sentence is now so worked into the mindset of the train travelers it has become the most accepted excuse in the country. Just remember that when you arrive late for your Eurovision date or rehearsal. Bad signals are always to blame.

“Maybe the king will arrive” 
In April one part of the duo Knudsen & Ludvigsen, largest heroes of everyone who has born after the 60s, passed away way too young while doing orienteering. Only to make sure everyone is in grief and that orienteering is not the most popular of sports at the moment. One of their best songs is translated to “Maybe the king will arrive”, so if you want to make a Norwegian cry, ask them that. We think the king should arrive, because he is a cool fellow  – and so was Ludvigsen, God bless.

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